My dearest BFF,
You had been making such progress toward autonomy, but I fear the worst over the past few days. You have so little sense of self-worth, though all who know you think you are poised and beautiful and strong and smart. I do wish you could see yourself through our eyes, but that is a very difficult thing which few of us are able to master for any extended period of time.
The man you thought your soulmate has wounded you emotionally yet again. That's right, AGAIN. If this were the first time, given your love of him, then forgiveness would certainly be a plausible direction to take. After about two years, the trust you once had in him might have been restored, if you both had worked hard, him to earn your trust, you to truly forgive him and leave the hurt in the past. You know this to be true, you and he have already had this experience in regaining what was lost.
And now, this is yet another time that this person has betrayed your trust in him, that he has abused your love, that he has hurt your soul. This time was different, though. This time, you caught him and he did not know his betrayal had been discovered. This time, you had ample opportunity to rally your friends, your family, your support group, to your side. This time, you were able to set plans in motion, plans to protect your children, your home, your financial well-being, with him blithely unaware. This time, you could monitor his actions, gathering information for lawyers to use on your behalf. This time, you even took that first step with a lawyer to separate yourself from the abuser.
Then he calls and you go silent on your support network, preferring his lies to our truths. He says he has forsaken his mistress of the past two years to return to your side - and you believe him. When you do allow us to to know what is happening, we urge you to be cautious, to learn from the mistakes of ourselves, our friends, our family members. More silence from you as you meet him for lunch, for dinner, alone, none of your support group to keep a watchful eye.
Your teenaged son, what is he to make of this? Remember how hard you and his father were on him when you found out he was having sex? What lesson is this that you are now teaching him? Go ahead, do whatever you want to whoever you want? It's okay to abuse others?
Your teenaged daughter, new to the dating rituals, what is she to make of your actions? Are repeated immoral acts and emotional abuse to be repeatedly forgiven and allowed? How is she to learn to trust the boys she dates when she cannot even trust her father to respect and stay true to her mother?
I have wept so much for you these past few weeks, but I cannot make your choices for you. And I do fear what those choices might be, have been, and how they will hurt you in the future.
Know this: I still love you. And I will go by my dear Mama's advice: I may not always agree with your choices, but I will always support YOU.
Please, trod carefully. Your heart is not the only one trampled by his selfish and careless acts.
wmla.
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2 comments:
What a great letter. I have been there where your friend is now. The best thing I ever did for myself was to get rid of him after many years of marriage. We are all capable of so much more than we think. Sometimes the best gifts come from the most unexpected places.
You have written everything and all that I have wanted to voice that was in my heart these past few days. I have actually voiced some of these things to my own husband, but you said it in such a more beautiful way that I would like permission to share this with him and my younger brother and his wife who both are very much aware of this situation, have known the couple for many years, and are so concerned about her and what is going on as well. She doesn't know how many people are for her, in her corner, praying for her and want nothing but the best for her and the children. We are all concerned about his well being as well, but first and foremost, hers!
By Lisa
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