love and loss

The Third Annual Francophone Film Festival began its three-day run last night. I have been attending this festival since its inception and have seen it grow and change, much as I myself since my divorce in December of 2007.
At last year's festival, I was joined by my Charleston bird for the third, and final, evening of films. This year, he came along for this second evening of the festival. Both of these were studies of couples and their relationships - as are the majority of films in the world. Both were a unsettling for a couple still trying to define their couplehood.
The first film was mostly in English - surprise! - but took place completely in Paris. THE Paris, in France, not Paris, Tennessee, where two of my nephews live. Written, directed, and starring Julie Delpy, "Two Days in Paris" takes a long look at a couple from New York visiting her family in France for the first time. Together two years, we know they have traveled to Italy prior to this stopover, but we know nothing of their life in New York. My guess is they night be newly living together, but may still be living apart. In either case, they have secrets from each other and issues of trust, with these floating to the surface repeatedly throughout the film. Awkward romance, with some lighter moments, and much truth.
Next up was billed as a thriller. Titled "Ne Le Dis A Personne" ("Tell No One", for those not fluent in French), this was an outstanding film. Exploring the aftereffects of love lost to death, the film takes the time to show how anchored this couple's love had been. Childhood sweethearts, they had etched their initials onto a huge tree, returning each year to add another notch as they marked time together. Then evil steps in and their time is shattered...though we are not yet aware of the extent of this evil presence. The true evil is best personified in the form of a gaunt woman so devoid of human feeling that, even after being shot twice with a large-caliber gun, her body persists in trying to carry her upright down the sidewalk as though nothing was amiss. True evil, not gussied up by false sweet expressions or wrapped in wealth.
The end of this movie had me in tears. How terrible, I thought, that these two people who had such a bone-deep, soul-entwined, mindful love had been separated by such corruptness in those around them! Then I thought, how equally terrible that I had been separated from the one I had loved so deeply by corruptness of those around us...
And lightning-fast, I was jolted by a realization: I had NOT had the love these two had. I had assumed he had felt the same way I did, I had assumed his love for me was as true and solid as mine for him, I had assumed our love would stand the tests of time and be forever. I was wrong. Although I have no doubt that he loved me, his love of me was not of the same nature as my love of him. He had betrayed my trust in him before we even wed, though I did not learn of that betrayal, or others, until almost the fifth year of our marriage. Then we rebuilt the trust lost, together weathering other trials along the way for almost another decade: the death of my mother, the loss of his job, the death of his mother. And I found out he had betrayed my trust in him again and I felt as though I had lost my soulmate and I knew I could not live with him and allow myself to be hurt again.
So, now, here I am. After Divorce, Anticipating Delight. Here I am, fully aware that the type of love I thought I had was a mistaken perception. Bone-deep, soul-entwined, mindful love has to involve BOTH people, not just one. What a rare treasure in this world... and one I know, realistically, I may never have or even see in the many couples around me.
Still, I intend to Anticipate Delight and accept love in all other forms presented to me - and give love, too.