painting the church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Then the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

***** ***** *****

James went into the Confessional Box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Jameson Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal
glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest came in and James said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been
to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replied: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side!"

***** ***** *****

A father was reading the Bible to his little girl before bedtime one night. He was on the first chapter of Genesis.
"In the beginning, the world was without form and void," the father read. "And God said, 'Let there be light.'...And God separated the light from the dark."

"I know what happens next!"the little girl exclaimed excitedly.

"What happens next?" asked the father,smiling.

The girl replied, "God did two loads of laundry."

***** ***** *****

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question: "Boys and girls,what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know," the boy replied, "Our Father, who does art in Heaven."

***** ***** *****

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook folks' hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one. By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few.

The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her say, "How long, Lord? How long?"

Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that He will come through for you."

She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.

Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out when the door to a small women's restroom opened and someone came out.

The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside.

***** ***** *****

(These jokes brought to you by my fsilm, finally back online again!)

smilin' all the way

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Perhaps the old gentleman should have gone to the burlesque show last night. He would have certainly attained full mast! WOOOO HOOO!!!! I'm not even equipped with those dangly bits, but I was quite excited by the dancing and vamping and humor! Hooray for kickstarter and a successful campaign!

punctuation panda

This is one of my favorite jokes, sent by email by my fsilm.

A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders a sandwich and quietly enjoys his meal. When the waiter gives him the check, the panda suddenly stands up, pulls out a gun, and shoots out all the windows!

As the panda is making his exit from the eatery, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You have to pay for this damage and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! P-A-N-D-A! Look it up!”

The manager goes to his office and opens his dictionary, where he reads the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves.”