I was just catching up on facebook, stopping by for quick visits to those who truly exist in MY world, posting little remarks hither and yon. Then I find myself in an actual conversation, repartee through postings, centered on the "nonsense life situations" which are repeated in our personal histories. I took the tack about memories of bad choices being replayed over and over in the cinema of my mind; the other countered that the reruns of successes past were usually the root of present mental hiccups. And I realized that the two of us were, perhaps, not quite talking about the same thing. Then, again, maybe we were both playing the game "what if", but on different planes?
With my game, I'm usually trying to forgive myself for errors in in the past. Not that I've ever run anyone over... or killed anyone... or left anyone with lasting physical scars from an encounter. I guess that's all good. But I know sometimes I'm not as ... sociable... as, perhaps, I should be. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in my own little world, that I don't stay in touch with folks I hold dear as much as I should. It's an ongoing issue with me, one I've tried to counter since I was a teenager. And I have made great strides in that area. Before I joined the Navy, I only interacted with a handful of folks, outside of family. I was shy to the extreme... or maybe I just could not relate to the whole "girls versus boys" scene. Are we NOT equally human, made of the same flesh, the parts simply rearranged? Another topic for another day, I assure you.
My days as a sailor changed much of that introversion. I was finally out seeing the world and by golly, see it I would! And touch it and smell it and taste it, too! I even got started with theatre work; not on stage, but behind the scenes, and integral component deep in the mix, but not seen except by those also in the mix. Lights, sound, props, wardrobe, whatever needed doing for those who would be SEEN trodding the floorboards. And although I had a grand social life, I also had a lot of self-chosen solitude. Ever since my early 20's, I've regarded myself as one of the most sociable antisocials I know. I do enjoy being part of a crowd, part of an audience, part of a larger whole. But I have no problem with going out and about on my own, as I had said in an earlier post. I've done that in Hong Kong, in Great Lakes, IL, in Imperial Beach, CA. My philosophy has been "don't wait for someone else to work it into their schedule to join you or you just might miss out on the event." So, many times, I don't even ask anyone to join me; I just go. And I always enjoy myself, too, but I do sometimes miss having someone with me for those good times. In many ways, facebook serves as the vehicle for me to share those events with those I call family, whether blood or chosen or both.
Where on Earth was I? Oh, yes, I was talking about my penchant for "me" time interfering with my interactions with those whose lives are important to me. I mean, hey, there are DAYS that go by that I call no one and no one calls me. My cell phone might as well be turned off, actually. And, for the most part, that's okay. Last year, I went through a spell where that bothered the heck out of me, but then I started blogging and I felt connected to the world, even if this version of the world is all ones and zeroes. Maybe I'm not connected to any one person when I write, maybe my audience is mostly me and my ghosts. But I know my words are out there, rolling on the digital waves, tugging on the ether ear, waiting to make an impact on someone - even me.
2 comments:
Wait a minute... this sounds vaguely familiar to me in places... ;)
But yeah, some of us have been blessed to have difficulty finding the darker periods of their life to reflect on. Granted, it's probably more denial or short sightedness on my part (I seem to recall having apologized to at least one person for my behavior in the past), but I think it's been more positive than negative.
Of course, the flip side of that coin is exactly the same. You end up focusing on the positives instead of the negatives, and you find that missing those now can be just as bad as regretting negative actions can be.
Oddly enough, we're probably incredibly similar when it comes to social engagements, with the possible exception that I still don't think it's all that important to get out at every possible opportunity. I might be convinced otherwise at some point, though...
You think I'm never home, do you? Every so often, I take a few days and veg out, truly. I do!
I also tend to "accentuate the positive", whilst acknowledging the negative. This time on Earth can be heaven or hell, the choice belongs to each person. I find I get the most run-down, in all ways, when I'm not paying attention to the little details that make life more wonderful: a sunny blue sky, the smell of salt marsh, the taste of garlic-infused food, the sound of a dear voice. Oh, yeah... heaven is most certainly in the small moments.
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