happy birthday!!!

What a fabulous month I have had! I feel so very loved, and so very blessed, and so very fortunate to have the people I have, and have had, in my life. I could not be who I am today without all of them.
I have been to Beaufort, Bluffton, Charleston, Tybee Island, San Francisco, Yosemite National Park, Las Vegas, and Myrtle Beach. I am blessed to be in the company of a bird that likes flying off hither and yon about as much as I do... maybe even more so!
What a wonderful beginning of my new year!

more chocolate wisdom

Earlier, I had logged in several words of wisdom, found on the inner foil of some delectable dark chocolate. Here, I continue wandering along that path.
"Joy is found in the smallest of moments. Like now!" Ashley, Sumter, SC A "moment" is so much nicer than just a "block of time"!
"Chocolate-coated truth tastes better." Amy, Shawnee, KS Don't believe me? See the previous paragraph!
"Silence might be golden, but laughter is priceless." Aubrey, Mesa, AZ Bonus: good, hearty laughter releases endorphins, making you FEEL better. True!
"Walk with a light step and a lighter heart." Fontana, Winter Springs, FL Worry is such a heavy package to lug around, and it's usually awkwardly shaped, too and difficult to hold, like invisible trees.
"Even small celebrations deserve a dance." Laureli, Spring Grove, PA Snoopy certainly knew this, even dancing when he got his supper - that someone else made especially for him. That is certainly worth a celebratory jig!
"Celebrate the small victories in your life." Debbie, Fairfield, OH Yes,indeed! Like that wonderful parking space right THERE!
"Do something for someone less fortunate today." Lori, Cheboygan, MI Done solely for the benefit of one's own heart, this is a real pick-me-upper AND reaffirms your sense of place in the world.
"A smile is the best accessory." Emily, New York, NY A smile is something that cannot be taken from you, either, or misplaced. And the most wonderful part? When you GIVE a smile, you GET one back!
"Try something new today." Paula, Rio Rancho, NM Even if it's just a new path home from work, expand your experiences!
"Keep looking forward - new adventures lie ahead." Becky, Valdosta, GA No sense dwelling on the past and missing the present - there's no future in that way of living!
"Inspire others to be their best by being your best." Christina, New York, NY yeah, I know, this is sometimes easier said than done... but keep trying!
"Promise to stop and smell the chocolate." Marie, Manahawkin, NJ Or the roses or the petunias or whatever lovely scent wafts in your direction... Aaahhhh!
"Dare to dream and go for it." Patricia, Jasper, TN No one can foretell the future, but most people say it's the decisions they didn't make that they regret. Don't leave room for regret!
"Life does have do-overs." Sharon, St. Joseph, MO As long as you are still on this planet, you do have the opportunity to rectify any wrongs. No, you cannot erase the past, but you CAN alter your present path.
"All things work together in the tapestry of life." Christine, Durham, NC Amen to that! The good, the bad, and the ugly are all part of the package as we spiritual beings have our physical experiences on this third rock from our sun.

it's a new day!

Yes, indeed. Thank God the sun came up and it was a new day and I awoke to see it! Yesterday was the TENTH Mother's Day since Mama died.
I would say that I am just so OVER the whole Mother's Day thing, but I cannot. So many women who are dear to me are mothers themselves. So, henceforth, I shall celebrate the day in honor of them, and in remembrance, always, of my own dear Mother. Happiness and appreciation for all Mothers, for without them, we could not exist.

blessed

Dearest Mama,
What a wonderful day I've had! Not that it's been anything spectacular, but it's been filled with small blessings.
This morning I spent working around the house. One day last week, I looked around and realized with a start that I did NOT want to come home to this clutter! So I took some time this morning to sort through the piles of paperwork in the dining room, in the living room, in the office. My, my, my! I don't know why I feel compelled to hang on to old bills for electricity, gas, cable. Lord knows, if they don't receive my payment, they will surely let me know. So, to the shredder with them! Then sort and file, sort and file, repeat.
I took a time-out to talk with my Pooler friends, the ones I usually meet for breakfast. Bu the children were off the chain this morning, so the parents had decided to divide and conquer, with the mom keeping the daughter home while the dad and son took a breather. I went ahead and ate my own breakfast, then back to the paperwork.
I received a call around lunch time form my stepmom. She had called to thank me for the Mother's Day card and the 2003 photo of her and Daddy. I had emailed the picture to her earlier this week and she had been so enthusiastic about it that I decided she should have it. You know, after seeing Grandpa in the hospital, how sad it is to have a recurrent mental picture of a loved one dying. I keep happy pictures of you around for that very reason: to scare away those of you sick and so very weak. It works most of the time.
After that call, I decided it was time for a break, so I took myself to a movie. I used one of my Regal discount coupons, to keep the cost down, and guess what? The manager entered some code that let me have the movie for FREE! What a nice little perk! So I went ahead and treated myself to the kid's popcorn & coke special. The movie, "The Losers", was action-packed and reminiscent in style of the graphic novel of origin. I have discovered that I REALLY like those types of movies! I think you might have liked it, too, since you had enjoyed the "Mission: Impossible" movies.
So, as I was waiting for the movie to begin, I saw a commercial for the Outback Steakhouse on the screen. "After the movie," it said, "bring your ticket stub to the Outback and get a free appetizer with your meal." Hey! That sounds like a deal too good to pass up! Take the stub of my free ticket and parlay it into free eats!
Hey, why not? I had already planned to take myself to dinner, though I was thinking Bonefish Grill. Why? Quite simply, they were treating me to a free appetizer in honor of my upcoming birthday. I also had a balance remaining on one of my gift cards I had purchased when they had the special discount at the end of the year; I wanted to go ahead and use up the card before starting another. So, you see, I had dinner plans already...and the two restaurants are in the same family, so my gift card was ALSO good at the Outback! Sah-weet!
So, I had a great dinner after a most enjoyable movie, then came home and my bird called and I shared my goings-on with him. Then I was sorting out a junk drawer and came upon an unlabeled cd.. which were the voices of YOUR mom and dad and Uncle, all long departed. I listened to the whole thing, even the songs Grandpa sang off-key at the end. I'm going to try to post them on youtube and then share them with all the family.
What a blessed day!
with much love always,
T

confusion

I am so confused. I have thought it was Thursday ALL DAY LONG.
It all started last night. Philo Cafe, the philosophy group I have attended most Wednesday nights for the past three years, has changed things up on me. After meeting at the same locale, same night, same time, last week they met on a different day, different time, different location. OMG! Still, even though I knew of the change, it only glancingly affected me. They met on a Monday, when I was at work, therefore I did not attend. It wasn't until last week Wednesday that the change had its effect. My habit of joining them at a local restaurant after the meeting (which generally coincided with my departure from the school) was rendered pointless, as the group had met two evenings earlier.
So here we are at this week. The meeting was on Monday, at the usual time and usual site. Okay! Different day, but same people, so all was good... or so I thought. The evening ran long and I stayed up to my usual late time.
However, I had to get up early for a doctor appointment. And this morning was when the sense of disorientation wrapped its foggy arms all around me. Between the lack of sleep and the change to my Monday schedule, I truly didn't KNOW it was Tuesday. My head kept telling me "Thursday! Yeah, it's Thursday! This week is almost over!" Wrong, but my body believed the lie, because... habits take time to change. For the past three years, meeting with the Philo folks has been synonymous with mid-week event. Now i have to try to find SOMETHING to get me back on track. After all, tomorrow IS Wednesday, when I am scheduled to administer a final exam to some of my students. I'm pretty danged sure they would like me to show up! But I'll only be there if I can convince myself that it's actually Wednesday, not Friday. Oh, bother! (as Winnie the Pooh would say)

persistence of grief

It's been six years since Gloria's death. It was a beautiful Friday afternoon in April. She had been to the bank ATM, then driven straight to the grocery store around the corner. A group of youths waited until she came out of the store, then accosted her. She was shot in the chest and killed by a teenaged boy near the age of some of her grandchildren, which included one of my nephews.
Her husband still mourns her death. I know this because a memorial wreath stands sentinel in the grassy patch near that store. That wreath has followed in the tradition of those before it in that locale, bearing witness to the permanent repercussions of a moment of barbarism.
I have to wonder how much longer the wreaths will be placed there, how much longer her husband will express this open wound in his soul, how much longer until the hole in his heart has healed enough to allow a regular heartbeat.
I know it took a long time after my mother's death for my heart to beat as my own again. I was fortunate to have so many supporting me during my long struggle to accept her death. A year passed, and another, and yet another, and still I mourned. I had not realized until she was gone that she, not myself, was the center of my universe. She was my sounding board, my assurance that my actions and thoughts and feelings were real and valid and valued. I had a deep, dark hole of loss that threatened to devour me if I could not develop a sustainable patch.
In the fifth year of my grief, I received an unexpected kindness that allowed me to physically revisit a duty station and some old memories from my twenties and to create new ones in their stead. These would be new memories with ME at the core, new experiences for ME in an old haunt, with my actions void of thoughts of cataloguing to later share my experiences with Mama. I do believe that saved my sanity and possibly my life.
I am truly blessed to have known the people I have known, both now and in the past.

May day

Dear Daddy,
What a glorious day this has been! True, I did sleep through much of the morning hours, but that left me refreshed for the day's activities. Yes, I did have hotdogs for breakfast, but they were 98% fat-free, giving me lots of protein. A much better breakfast than I would have had out and about, I'm sure, where butter and cheese lurk around the edges of 'most everything.
My backyard neighbor was cutting my grass as I was having my coffee. I felt a bit guilty about that. I had fully intended to get up early and try to work on my lawnmower, maybe see if that blade I was given was even the right size. Yeah, I know: I should have already done that by now, but I can ALWAYS find a reason not to.
Anyway, I went out to thank him, yet again, for making my backyard beautiful, yet again. He told me he liked doing the work and actually tried to do it when he knew I was gone because he didn't want me to feel like I was obligated to try to do something nice in return. Well, I asked if it were okay if I treated him and his family to dinner and he grudgingly said okay. I gave him one of the Bonefish Grill gift cards and a little money, but I had tucked the money in the card holder so neither of us had to actually look at the amount. I do hope he and his wife and daughter will have a lovely evening out. They have been so very gracious to me, especially since your death. He lost his dad last year, too, so please let his dad know he has a good kid on this planet.
So, I have breakfast and get busy with my eBay work on this lovely first day of May. I just cannot tell you how very glad I am that a new month has begun! Then again, you already know how hard April was and how very glad I am to be shed of it. Between your birthday the first week and your death the last week, there was so much heartache in between. I sure miss you.
Anywho, I finally got caught up with my computer works and decided that a movie was just what I needed. So, I go looking for movies and realize that I'm looking for times for "Oceans", the new Earth Day release. Not in a single cinema in Savannah. Not one. All these multiplexes and NOT ONE had the film!!! But the little cinema in Bluffton did! So, I called your wife to see if she might like to meet me there, as we have done from time to time, and lo and behold! She said YES! Out the doors we both flew! The cinema is about an hour away and the start time of the film was scheduled for an hour's time, giving us barely enough wiggle room. And, amazingly, we both made it in good time, even getting popcorn and cokes and finding seats before the lights went down. The film was WONDERFUL and she told me she could always count on me to pick a movie that she would like...and I do try to do so, because I truly enjoy her company and we have such a good time on our outings.
I know that technically she's my stepmom, but she would be the first to say we are friends more so than relatives. I fully agree. Friends are the family YOU pick, not the ones thrust upon you by genetics, and we two ARE friends. We've helped each other get through this past year, this first year without you physically in our lives. It's been tough at times, but knowing we were in it together always helped.
You know, she insisted on treating me to dinner, calling it my birthday dinner. talk about being the first to wish me birthday greetings!!! Still, she's right, we won't see each other then. My singing bird is doing up my birthday this year, taking me to Myrtle Beach for Dixie Stampede and the aquarium and waking up to ocean sounds. He's Plum good to his Peach, ain't he?
So my stepmom, my friend, takes me to dinner and we have a very nice Italian meal, with lots of excellent bread and flavor. Oh, and this mayonnaise with chipotle peppers that was - mmmuummff!! - que bella! We both ended up with a meal for later.. maybe later tonight! - and full tummies, and maybe just a wee spot left for a sweet something or other. And wasn't that a cookie shop around the corner?? Sure enough! We split a Millionaire cookie, full of chocolate and caramel and I don't remember what all made up its yumminess. Very nice!
After, we went our separate ways,
she back to her new home, me to a games night with friends.
I enjoyed the drive home, the color of the blue sky and the new green of the trees
and the warmth of the sun through the slight cool of the breeze.
And I thought to myself how very fortunate I am
to have her in my life
to have my singing bird in my life
to have new friends in my life.
I am so blessed that my mayday was heard
and I was given this May Day.
Word!
Yeah, I know, I just can't help myself sometimes. I didn't mean to go into a rhyme scheme, but, there ya go.
With my love always,
your one-and-only, ever-lovin' daughter