sea change

This evening I had a moment of clarity. While in a karaoke club with new friends, listening to an old friend sing a Matchbox 20 favorite, I realized that maybe I was healing. I was back in my own skin again, at least for the moment.
I was finally living again, rather than going through the motions. THAT was a welcome feeling!
As you are well aware, I've been more and more aware of having been sleepwalking through the last decade. Part of it was due to Mama's death, no lie. But then having a part of me turned off became an addictive habit. I was definitely unwell.
The divorce was a shock to my system, jolting me back into this world. I wasn't quite awake yet, but I was starting to find signs of life and I reacted by bringing color into my environment, stripping wallpaper borders and painting Sunwashed Blue and Aged Mint and Valencia Violet, with some Jasmine Time. When I returned home in the evenings, the off-white walls were covered over with Maize Gold and Lifevest Orange, trimmed out with Surfboard Yellow. Warm, vibrant re-entry accompanied by cool ocean hues and a throwback to my childhood haven.
After four years of daily contact with my new colors of home, I seem to be me again.
After four years of immersing myself into different cultural experiences, absorbing knowledge in the form of film, theatre, music, art, I seem to be me again.
After four years of loss of old friends and gain of new companions, I seem to be me again.
What a long, strange trip it's been! I know it isn't over, not by a long shot, but at least I'm awake to enjoy the scenery.