hey diddle, diddle

Spring has sprung locally and the air is full of sperm. Sure, some persist in calling the floating, ubiquitous yellow bits "pollen", but it's sperm, nonetheless.
After all, consider the source, shall we? Pollen is a fine powdery substance which contains the male gametes of a seed-bearing plant - that is, pollen is the fertilizing material released by the anthers of a plant. The anthers, a two-lobed structure at the tip of a thin, stem-like appendage, rupture when the pollen sacs within the lobes mature, releasing hundreds and thousands of egg-fertilizing cells. Sure sounds like SPERM to me!
It smells like sperm to me, too, and leads to a non-specific, near-constant horniness on my part. I've recognized this same effect of pollen in others as well; folks have an increased proclivity toward coupling during this part of the year (and again in the fall, when other flowering species are prolific).
As I am an analytical chemist, my specialty is pattern recognition, a type of puzzle solving. Sometimes there are so many variables at play that the true problem is isolating the key factor responsible for a pervasive behavior or response. I do believe the pollen is the dominant factor in the increase of sexual activity which coincides with the blooming of so much local flora.
My response is NOT to rush over to the nearest guy with a pulse to get a bit of action, a bit of the old in-out, so to speak. I'm not inclined toward one-nighters these days, not am I in search of a long-term mate, so what's a warm-bodied gal to do with herself?
Well, as my BFF would say, "a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!" But what to CALL it? "Diddling" seems utterly ineffectual and implies that one has all day to spend on the act. No. Climax should be accomplished within about twenty minutes or less, so a girl can get on with other important matters.
I have a personal fondness for the phrase "jerking off", though that seems to be regarded as a male-only expression. "Jacking off" and "whacking off" are also viewed as not quite appropriate for females. I have three brothers and have worked alongside men my entire life, so perhaps that explains my attraction to the term.
"Masturbate" is hard and clinical and I don't like it; it contains neither joy nor humor. ANY act of sex should include both joy and humor for maximum enjoyment by any, and all, parties present.
When I was a sailor, I found out about "Rosie Palmer and her five talented dancing sisters" and, I must admit, that expression ALWAYS brings a smile! True, a lesbian friend is the one who shared the phrase, so some might say those who are "strictly dickly" should abstain from its usage. I say those folk need to lighten up ... and maybe get diddled!