awake

Sometimes, I feel disconnected, like I'm living in a dream, waiting to wake up. Lately, that feeling was been all over me. I find myself still up at 2am, forcing myself to go to bed. Heaven knows I would stay up all night otherwise. I've even been turning on my heated bed pad, to help lure me in.
This week, in particular, I've had death on my mind. The 15th was the third anniversary of Mother Pat, my ex's mom, who died scant months before our marriage passed away. Monday will be the 19th, the anniversary of Sam's death. The 26th will mark a year since my father's death.
Perhaps my reluctance to go to sleep is this: if I persist in staying awake, perhaps I will truly wake up and find so much has been a dream. After all, going to sleep is caving in to reality, accepting the new status quo. No one actually dreams of going to sleep, do they? No, of course not. People dream of doing things, of alternate paths trod, of new endings to current stories. So, if I can keep busy enough that I don't dwell on past losses, isn't that a form of denial? And isn't denial a part of being in a dream state?
So, if I don't sleep, then I must yet be dreaming...