amazing

I just returned from a trip to Orlando to see my BFF's daughter dance in Downtown Disney. Truly, that was the reason I lit out of here on Tuesday morning: to watch the girl dance. Well, and to see my BFF, of course. She lives up past Atlanta, in a tiny town that Travis Tritt also calls home, and it's about 4 1/2 hours from here. Not terribly far, but not all that close, either.
Orlando is about that same distance. On Sunday, she left me a message on facebook saying "wish you would come". Well, work has been extremely quiet, so I asked for the two days off in the middle of the week and was immediately granted them. Nice! Scary, too, but nice. So I found a room for Tuesday night and off I went!
And I am so glad I did. She and I had a good chance to TALK, something she and I don't often have time for, especially as she is, essentially, a single working mother of two teens. Yeah, she's married, but he's hardly been home for several years now, as he has been working overseas. He has no idea how stressful her life is, and she tries hard to keep from letting him know because she doesn't want him to worry. I think she's letting him off the hook for his parental responsibilities.
I think when he IS home that he needs to let HER take off while he's stateside. He can be the one responsible for the care and feeding of two teenagers. And no, she is not allowed to stock the fridge, freezer, and pantry before she leaves. She is not allowed to clip the coupons which make everything more affordable. She is not allowed to pay any bills early that will be due during his tenure. She is not allowed to reschedule any of the kids' events that fall during his tenure. She is not allowed to make helpful lists for him; that's the sort of thing you do for a babysitter, not a parent, especially not a parent who is a partner in the marriage.
Yes, I think he would have a new appreciation for her and for all she does to make his life easier, not only when he is home for a visit, but also while he is away. The woman is amazing.
And get this: she doesn't see it. She's been looking at how much more she thinks she SHOULD be doing, not at how much she HAS done. (This bad habit was taught to her by her mom.) She is so busy doing things for other people in her household all the time that she isn't taking care of herself. She told me she hasn't had a physical for years. YEARS. No Pap smear, no mammogram, no blood work to check her cholesterol or liver function or thyroid function or ANYTHING. And her husband has no idea that she has forgone these necessary tasks for her own well-being so the FAMILY can have what it needs. After all, taking care of herself takes time and resources from others, and she's the mom. If she doesn't take care of everything, who will? That's what she says to me. Who will?
I say, give more responsibility to the others. She has two incredible kids, but she is concerned that people will think SHE is a failure because her son wears his pants in that ridiculous fashion (yeah, bet THAT won't come back in style in 20 years!) of his peers. Say what? First and foremost, WHO CARES WHAT STRANGERS THINK? Seriously. Oh, and his hair is dyed a weird color. SO? And he isn't doing well in a couple of classes. AND? Let me tell you this: He's polite to his elders, he's well-spoken, he's very supportive of his friends and even his sister. All are very good LEARNED qualities and are traits that others have commented on approvingly. He has several classes he positively excels in; that is certainly commendable. He does what is asked of him, though he doesn't yet do such tasks of his own volition; but he's 16, not an adult. He doesn't do drugs or sell them, a truly remarkable accomplishment these days, especially for a child of a single working parent. He isn't in jail, doesn't think it would be cool to be in jail, and doesn't hang out with jailbirds as friends. I wish I could say the same for some of the kids in MY family.
And the girl? She is very smart and beautiful, just like her mother. She is a very talented dancer and kind person, adored by her peers, her teachers, and her fellow members of the dance troupe or any other group she has ever belonged to. She is very helpful and does whatever household tasks are asked of her. True, she needs to be asked to do them, but she's only 13, not an adult. She, also, doesn't hang out with jailbirds or drug addicts, even though I'm sure this little town has its fair share of such bad influences.
I think, when you're dealing with kids who LOOK grown that it's too easy to fall into the trap of expecting them to ACT like adults. Having no children of my own, I try to keep my mouth shut about how I see folks raising their kids. After all, what do I know about it? But I can say this: I saw both of them soften and transform into true KIDS one evening last summer. We had all gone to the beach and time had gotten away from us and we were quite hungry. We went to a local place, The Crab Shack, so we could finish with treats from the ocean. (My BFF does have this one major fault: she doesn't do seafood. Fortunately, she has copious good qualities to more than offset this one shortcoming.) The kids spent some time exploring the place and, magically, became... kids. They were actually able to let down their guard and just be themselves for a while. THAT was the best part of the evening!
Enough. It's late and I need rest. But let me just close with this: Dad, make sure Mom takes care of herself and gets those doctor appointments done NOW. Also, don't expect adult actions or thought processes from the kids; they are not yet adults. Instead, realize that they are good people with good hearts and enjoy them for the people they are NOW. I sure do.