since you've been gone, away

This morning, I was grateful when my ringing phone awakened me from a bad dream.
No, let's rephrase that.
It wasn't a bad dream - it was an incredibly sad dream.
I had been dragged back into the darkness, into the depths, into the deep, deep sadness of the world.
By my mind.
By my mind.
Heartbreaking, sobbing sadness, that I couldn't shake.
I wrote the dream down, needing to get the words out of my mind, set them free, release their hold.
Andy asked me if I knew where he could locate... some odd thing. I told him, "if it's anywhere, it's in Sam's locker." We then went to Sam Johnson's locker (full-length type, with a couple of shelves in it) and I opened it and we began pulling out items from the messy stacks on the middle shelf (the area where normally you would have hooks to hang stuff). At some point, I lost track of Andy - I was caught up by the smell of Sam still in the items. I pulled out a gymbag stuffed full and, holding it against my chest, placed my nose near it, inhaling deeply - and realized how much I still missed him. I wandered off, still clutching the gymbag to me, unaware of the locker or anything else. - Then I was home, still clutching the bag close so I could breathe in his scent. I knew it wasn't - good? healthy? sane? - so I called Hai, to ask him to come over. I knew he would understand. He knew Sam, too.
I cried as I wrote, as I reread the words. I just couldn't seem to stop...
Then, my first niece called.
Not texted.
Called.
And I answered, knowing she would hear the tears in my voice, trying to disguise them, failing. She knows me, knew I would tell her when I was able, knew to wait for it.
In the meantime, would I like to go to brunch with her and the baby? She was just coming from the church. Would I like to ride with them or meet them at the Atlanta Bread Company?
I want to ride with you, I said.
I didn't think I would leave the house on my own.
So she came by and I threw on clothes and escaped the dream.
We had a long visit together, talking and talking and talking. At one point, I tried to tell her about the dream and almost started bawling again. She understood and just let me be for a few minutes. Then the baby stirred and life slipped back on track.

Almost two and a half hours later, I was home again.
Home.