jokes of my mother

Why did the elephant paint his toenails all different colors?

So he could hide in the jellybean jar!

I grew up with that as one of my favorites! Mama had several jokes about elephants, but that is the one which leapt into my mind the moment I saw this bracelet.
The shop had two of the bracelets and I bought both of them. I shared the joke with the young clerk, but I don't think she really appreciated it.
My first niece will.
She knew Mama. She knew her as Grammy, but she still knew her, and that is what matters.
Before I leave town tomorrow, I will stop in at Sun Dollar to see if perhaps more of those bracelets have been located. I would like to have one for each of my great-nieces.
Not exactly a piece of my mother to share with them, but definitely a piece from my memory collection.
A favorite moment.

Here are a few more of those jokes.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

So he could hide in the apple tree!

Why did the elephant paint his toenails orange?

So he could hide in the orange tree!

Why did the elephant paint his toenails green?

So he could hide in the watermelon patch!


Corny, sure, but also funny, especially to kids.

I sure hope they will have more of those bracelets.

that's what SHE said

I actually started this post over a month ago.
I'm not sure why I haven't yet finished it, but perhaps I was waiting on a last quote from a film with a great message. Tonight, I saw that film.
So, here we go, now!
Some of these were garnered from minor characters in the films, so don't blame a faulty memory if some of the lines don't ring a bell. I've tried to only repeat those which resonated with me.
Let's begin with the lines uttered, then try to match them to the correct ladies, shall we?

1) "I'll look if you will."

2) "You'd have to be very brave to love me."

3) "Everyone says seize the moment, but it's the moments that seize us."

4) "You don't stink of anything I don't like and you kind of remind me of an old boyfriend."

5) "It's a good plan... if it was 1985."

6) "I dreamed that I was being pursued by a tall Chinese man."

7) "Can I borrow a piece of your chicken?"

And the ladies are:

A) Nicole in "Boyhood"

B) Sophie in "Magic In The Moonlight"

C) Clementine in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

D) Chantry in "What If"

E) Vanda in "Venus in Fur"

F) Bertha in "Sin City: A Dame To Kill For"

G) Luna in "The Expendables 3"

*

*

*

That first line was uttered by leading lady Chantry. She and Wallace had just disrobed, prior to going skinnydipping. (No, sadly, we did not get to see 'Harry Potter's' package.) That scene led to the end of their platonic friendship, though they did try to pretend otherwise for much of the rest of the movie.
The next line was tossed out there by Vanda. Not only was she the leading lady, she was the only other person in the film. Great Polanksi film, based on the play, based on the 1870 book by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. S-M, right? Almost 150 years ago. Yeah, Shakespeare may have been correct.
I'm so glad the peace Guy and I saw the play a year ago.
Back to the quotes!
Line 3 spilled from the lips of a minor character. A very minor character. Nicole doesn't appear until the last few minutes of the 165-minute film. She summarizes the entire theme with that one line. So, now you know. She and the new-to-college boy are sharing a doobie, out in the desert, awaiting the sunset, with each of their roommates. Kudos for the efforts of all involved over the twelve-year filming process, but ... sheesh, that was a long movie to sit through!
(Yeah, I did ramble on a bit, didn't I? But I wanted you to appreciate the feel of the film.)
The diner waitress was responsible for the fourth line. What diner waitress, you ask? Bertha, played by the one-and-only Lady Gaga. She is only onscreen for a few memorable minutes, just long enough to console a broken Johnny and stake him for his next poker game. Quite memorable few minutes it is, a beautiful bit of noir as we skirt the fringes of a city that soils everything it touches.
The fifth line came from another character with a tiny role, but large presence. Luna may not speak more than fifteen words in the entire film, but I wanted to include her here. Why? Well, of all the females noted in this post, she is the only one who was a woman in a man's world. Usually, you don't see women as mercenaries; I don't know how she got this role, but I applaud her for not letting them doll her up.
And, as I served eight years in the Navy, as a Cryptologic Technician-Maintenance, I had my share of being a woman in a man's world. You haven't truly experienced that sensation until you have someone ask you why you're "taking the job away from a man" - and the questioner is a woman. Ouch.
Dreams can be funny outtakes on life, can't they? Sophie certainly saw them as such. Then again, perhaps she made up this declaration to try to draw out the alternate identity of Stanley, aka Wei Ling Soo, the magician. This Woody Allen film is the fun side of period pieces, with quite lovely fashions featured throughout.
The last quote is from darling Clementine. She is seated beside Joel, ouside and on the top step of a beachfront house, when she utters the line and, justthatfast, plucks the drumstick from his plate and starts munching on it.
"Borrow"? Like she was going to give it back to him?
Funny line, but true to life. Folks say silly stuff like this all the time.
I find it nice that this dear psychological romance threw it in there. It makes this bit of science fiction a little more approachable by those not so attuned.
Okay, that's all for now.
Maybe I'll collect quotes from just the men next time!

hat trick, received and accomplished

Dear Tony,
Glad to receive your last letter! It was waiting for me when I returned from Tallahassee on Sunday. I had told the bfe on the trip that if a letter from you was in the mail, that would make a "hat trick" for me. It's a hockey term, meaning 3 goals scored successively by a single player.
Say what? What does that have to do with you?
Well, I look at it this way. I have three brothers. A hat trick requires there to be 3 things concerning a single person. Here's how this worked on Sunday. While on the backrooads of Georgia and heading home, I received a phone call from Ronnie. That was one! Then, while we were in Blackshear having dinner, I received a phone call from Smitty. That was two! That's when I told the bfe about hat tricks and that I hoped a letter from you would be waiting for me.
Then, when I arrived home, I saw I had received a letter from you! 3 contacts from 3 brothers, to me! Hat trick!
Well, of sorts. Right? maybe you have to hold your mouth just right to be able to tell.
:) ☺ (:
The trip, obviously, went well. We stayed at Penny and Steve's house and we all had lots of conversation and good times together. Aunt Linda came over on Sunday, around 11 AM, and we had sandwiches and talked a bit more. I don't think Aunt Linda really understands my friendship with the bfe, but Penny does. Steve and the bfe talked physics and that made both of them happy. And that made mea and Penny happy!
Their sons, Jacob and Alex, are 14 and 11 now. Aunt Linda was there to also help tutor Alex before his math test this week.
Okay, it's getting pretty late, kid, so I think I'm going to bed now.
Sweet dreams to you!
(That happens to be one of my favorite things that the bfe says.)
with my love!

***** ***** *****

So, that letter completes the third "goal" for me today, making my hat trick of appreciation complete.
The first goal was accomplished this afternoon, for my middle brother. His phone will now be active for sending and receiving phone calls for the next thirty days.
The second goal wasn't accomplished until late this evening. That was for the benefit of my oldest little brother, Smitty. For him, I filed his sales tax report for August, after spending three hours getting the data for it and reconciling the numbers yesterday.
Then, as I said, I wrote to my youngest brother, sending him love and much talk of hat tricks.
As Penny once said to Sheldon on that physics show I enjoy so very much, "Oh my God, you're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber."
And I did.
(smile)

Pretty cool that I accomplished my hat trick for my brothers in the same order in which I had received the communications from them on Sunday.
Pretty cool.

hotdogs, skiers, and blondes

These are all jokes that appeared in my email inbox from the fsil'm last month. I got a chucckle from them and hope to keep them close to enjoy again.
(smile)

***** ***** *****
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete.
She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

***** ***** *****
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:
"What part did you get?"

***** ***** *****
BROTHEL SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE
Mount Vernon, Texas

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding; with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

***** ***** *****
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here, boy!" he replies.

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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

how I marked the 13th year

This past week has certainly been a time of remembrances of my days in the military. Ever since last Friday, when I discovered, to my horror, that the Naval stations I had spent my young adult years at were (long) gone, I have had the impact of the military on youth on my mind. During times of peace, the effect is minimalized, primarily manifesting as an increase in structure and responsibility. That's all to the good. Regardless of the reason a person volunteers for service, that time elisted can bring happy memories and long-term friendships.
Today was not to mark a time of peace. This country has been deeply involved in war and peace has been absent for thirteen years.
In honor of this great country I call home, I attended two events at Armstrong State University today.
The first was a fun learning experience. Titled "Star Spangled Banner", the lecture explored the origins of several patriotic songs, not just our National Anthem. One piece in particular caught my attention: "America The Beautiful". Based on the poem "Pike's Peak", written by Katharine Lee Bates in 1893, the lyrics give praise to the World's Columbian Exposition, better known as the Chicago World's Fair. She was a 33-year-old single woman, a teacher from Massachusetts, who had traveled to Colorado for a summer teaching job and stopped in Chicago along the way.
Why did this hold such importance for me?
Well, it appealed to my alter ego, Fliss of Kickstarter! In particular, the reference in the song to "alabaster cities", in conjunction with the knowledge of her trip to the Fair in 1893, immediately placed her in the context of the musical I had backed on kickstarter. 'Wait a minute!', I thought, 'I know that story about the Fair!' Indeed. Thanks to "The Dreamer and The Devil", I am rather familiar with the architect of that White City of which she speaks. I can certainly understand an intelligent young woman being quite taken with Daniel Burnham's gleaming dream, especially after the city grime she knew.
How fortunate for us all that she did not opt to stay at the hotel built by "Dr. H.H. Holmes" during her visit to the Fair. That establishment, self-billed as "World's Fair Hotel", came replete with dungeon, gas chamber, and moratorium, and was the site of at least 27 murders (possibly as many as 200). Had she rested her head on one of those pillows, we might not have ever had this paean to the beauty of America's diverse vistas.
Brrr! Did you just catch that chill?

The second event I chose to mark time in America's history was this evening.
The Armstrong Masquers performed
"A Piece of My Heart", the play written by Shirley Lauro. Her work was adapted from six stories of the twenty-six women in the 1986 book by Keith Walker. The six stories selected cover a broad range of women who served in Vietnam, during their time there (in the late 1960's) and up to the completion of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial (in 1984).
Some of these women were so young! Martha, a daughter of a career military man and Army nurse mother, and Sissy, who had just looked for escape from her Pennsylvania hometown, were 18 and 19 years old when they enlisted.
MaryJo, a Texas entertainer in her early 20's, thought a contract to entertain the troops would advance the careers of herself and her band. That was the story her agent told her.
LeeAnn was a hippie and a war protester, thinking that being a military nurse was a way to help folks - especially as she had been told she would be going to Hawaii.
Whitney, in her mid-20's, was an idealistic Ivy-leaguer, volunteering as a nurse for the American Red Cross.
They all believed the stories on the radio, on television, in the newspapers and magazines. America was winning the war over there, but could still use help.
The only one who truly knew what was going on was 35-year-old Steele, a 17-year intelligence specialist in the US Army. Of course, she found out that being a black female was not going to get you too far, regardless of the information you brought to the general's attention.

Yes, I cried.
I wept when the young nurses were thrown into the horror pit of war, forced to learn how to start an iv through OJT. Add to that scene the sound of helicopters,
the endless screaming and noise, and the sight of men, their age and younger, missing limbs and bleeding out before their eyes.
Horrific.
I wept when a dying young man gets to talk to his mom for Christmas.
I wept when the veteran in the group tries to stave off the Tet offensive and failed.
I wept when they all sought solace at the bottom of a bottle, both in Vietnam and back at home again.
Their return to the States was met with more tears, because I know the greeting they received from the civilian world here.
I am so grateful to be a supporter of the Armstrong Masquers.
Keep up the good work, y'all.

what a difference a day makes, 24 little hours

"There's so much time in a day, Faustina.

You could have breakfast, lunch, and dinner on 3 different continents.

You could outline the book you're going to write, start the screenplay adaptation, and watch "Gone With The Wind," before the sun even sets.

Spend a day at work, and still have 16 hours left over.

Or you could just think 60,000 different thoughts as you tool all over Savannah.

Hey, the record for climbing Mt. Everest is under 9 hours, leaving 15 to nap and go Yeti searching. There's so much time in a day, Faustina. So much.

You're rich,
The Universe"

joke for George

A mother and her ten-year-old son are talking. He's just arrived home from playing baseball.

mom: "I'm sorry your team lost. Did anything noteworthy happen?"

son: "Well, a new kid joined our team and he's left-handed."

mom: "Oh? Is anything different because he's left-handed?"

son: "It's kinda the same, except the opposite. Like he wears his glove on his right hand, not his left."

son: "And when he bats, it's from the other side of the plate."

mom: "I get it - and if he hits a pitch, he runs to third base instead of first, right?"