hotdogs, skiers, and blondes

These are all jokes that appeared in my email inbox from the fsil'm last month. I got a chucckle from them and hope to keep them close to enjoy again.
(smile)

***** ***** *****
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete.
She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

***** ***** *****
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:
"What part did you get?"

***** ***** *****
BROTHEL SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE
Mount Vernon, Texas

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding; with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

***** ***** *****
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here, boy!" he replies.

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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

just for the tip, thanks

The photo above, of an oakleaf hydrangea, has nothing to do with the following. it's simply very pretty and I took the shot in a fellow church member's garden at a recent open house gathering, while in attendance with my first niece.
Now, what does this post concern?
This joke with two old ladies, sent by my friend Boo recently, via email.
I was sure I had posted it here, for future viewings.
But, no.
Remedied, as of now!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Two little old ladies are outside their retirement home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in hell is that!

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms.

The pharmacist, embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (after all - she's 80 years old) and asks her what brand of condoms she prefers, to which Maude replies, "Doesn't matter, sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

HAhaHA!!!
That could've been me, if I still smoked!
Camel cigarettes were my poison of choice, once upon a time.
Every once in a while, I still think about walking a mile for a Camel.
Then again, maybe not.
I see that the blend of tobaccos was altered in 2008.
That's another good reason to stay quit of them.

... and YOU are the Grand Winner!

Imagine that you had won the following PRIZE in a contest:

Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use. However, this prize has rules.

The set of rules:
1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.
2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
3. You may only spend it.
4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.
5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, “ Game Over!" It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.
What would you do?
You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?
Not only for yourself, but for all of the people you love. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?

ACTUALLY This GAME is REAL!

Shocked?? YES!!

Each of us is already a winner of this PRIZE. We just can't seem to see it.
This PRIZE is *TIME* !!

1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life,
2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us.
3. What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost.
4. Yesterday is forever gone.
5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time without warning...

So, what will you do with your 86,400 seconds?

Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars.
Think about that, and always think of this:

Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

Take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply, and enjoy life!

Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day.

Start spending...

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This was shared with me today by my friend, author of MAGGIE: A SAVANNAH DOG.
I have no idea who wrote the above piece about time.