thanksgiving greetings from the C-Port

whooo whooo!

time to go to bed

The owl outside my window is like a demented alarm clock,
urging me to go to bed.

hoot hoot
it's late
hoot hoot
go to sleep
hoot hoot
hoot hoot

I hit the "not yet" mentally -
then the delay passes
and the owl again urges me to sleep, to sleep, it's late.

favor from a physicist

So, the dialogue went like this:

me: Hey, are you still on campus? I need a favor.
him: I am. What do you need?
me: I'm stranded at Wendy's and my car won't start. I have help coming, but I don't know when they will get here and class is at 6. Could you leave a note on the board and ask them to stay until I get there? Tonight is their last test.
him: I can do that. Which room?
me: 2502. Just let them know I will be a little late and to please stay.

short time passes

him: Done! Hope your car problem turns out to be something cheap and easy ... like a good date!
me: lol! Thank you!

So, the car gets started, and I get to the school, just a few minutes late. I rush to make copies of the test and head to the room, where everyone is sitting, waiting, in accordance with the message on the board.
Are you ready for this?

charles in charge

I must preface this entry by saying that the following piece is not new to me. I have received this email numerous times in the past and, after reading it, sent the expected "lol" and moved on.
Today, for some reason, I actually thought about it.
I blame the bfe; lunch with a physicist has that effect.
This email is usually titled "Physics of Hell", even though it is referring to a gas law used in chemistry.
Today, after the afore-mentioned (celebration of his fourth-decade birthday) lunch with the bfe, I realized something: the following is most likely a myth or urban legend.
No! Say it ain't so!
I wish I could. Perhaps if they had referred to the correct gas law, I would have accepted it as gospel.
I guess it just shows you how easy it is to read something in a hurry and not comprehend what is actually written.
So, here is the piece for your enjoyment. I will follow it with a brief discussion of the gas laws which should have been used and why "Boyle's Law" was an incorrect choice.

*******************************************************
*******************************************************
HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. {This is an erroneous application of this law, as I will soon explain.}

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. {This is another erroneous application of Boyle's Law, as I will explain.}

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
*******************************************************
*******************************************************

If this "student" did truly exist and did truly write the above essay and did truly receive an "A+" grade, then the "teacher" must have been too consumed with laughter to recognize the errors.
Boyle's Law concerns the indirect relationship between volume and pressure. Specifically, the Law states that for an ideal gas at constant temperature and constant amount of gas, changes in volume are indirectly related to changes in pressure.
In GOB chemistry, this law is called the Law of Respiration.
Breathing?
Exactly. Consider the lungs, flexible vessels for the containment and processing of air. The volume, or amount of air which the lungs can hold, is controlled by the placement of the diaphragm (the muscle which separates the thoracic and abdominal cavities of the body).
As the diaphragm contracts and elevates, the lungs are compressed, decreasing their volume...and increasing the pressure of the gas within. This action results in air (containing carbon dioxide created during metabolic processes) being expelled from the lungs. Immediately after, the diaphragm relaxes and lowers, allowing the lungs to expand and increase their volume. This results in a decrease of gas pressure within the lungs, allowing air (containing oxygen needed for metabolic processes) to be inhaled.
Thank God we don't have to think about making that happen, right? Over and over and over, every second of every day, inhale, exhale. Thank God we have a portion of our brain dedicated to that mundane task as well as others of its ilk, like the heart beating.
But I digress.
My point is this: Boyle's Law was not the correct choice for the introduction of the student's essay. Perhaps the composer of the farce was familiar with Boyle's Law and thought its presence would lend some credence to the tale.
I'd be willing to wager that the majority of my students will remember that law, if only in part because of my in-class demonstration of it in action. The power of visual demonstrations!
So, which of the gas laws would be the better choice?
Well, I would recommend Charles' Law for that first part of the tale, when the speaker is talking of gas cooling as it expands. In other words, the talk was of temperature and volume. For Charles' Law, also known as the Law of Volumes, the premise can be stated thusly: for an ideal gas at constant pressure and constant amount of gas, changes in volume are directly related to changes in temperature. In short, as the temperature increases, the volume also increases.
However, a different law is needed for the second part of the emailed tale, the part which proposes to present the student's essay. There, the "student" writes that the "temperature and pressure...stay the same as the volume changes with the addition of souls. Boyle's Law is certainly NOT the correct choice, but Charles' Law would not fit this change of parameters, either.
No, the best choice would have been Avogadro's Law. If the temperature and pressure are both constant, then volume changes directly as the amount of ideal gas changes.
How does any of this relate to souls???
Well, if we assume that souls are spirits and behave comparably to ideal gases, then we can assume that Charles' Law and Avogadro's Law can be applied to the student's essay.
In accordance with Avogadro's Law, we have the number of departed souls (ideal gas molecules) increasing continually, leading to the continual expansion of the volume of Hell (vessel holding the gas). However, given the number of departed souls over the entire lifespan to date of Earth, we can assume that current change in number of souls is very small compared to the number of souls already in Hell, so the expansion can be regarded as very small at this point in time.
Likewise, if the volume of Hell is only nominally changing at this stage in the game, then the temperature and pressure would also only have slight variations as time proceeds and more departed souls enter. In other words, any decreases in pressure or increases in temperature for current increases in departed souls are fairly negligible.

Maybe the universe is Hell. We all know the universe is slowly and continually expanding. We all know that the space outside of our atmosphere is frightfully cold and basically a vacuum of constant pressure.
Perhaps space is Hell and the many stars are the departed souls...

got pickles?

So, there I was, on a Tuesday afternoon, stranded.
No, not my car.
I was at home, with a jar of pickles that I could not open.
Mind you, this was not my first encounter with this stubborn jar.
Oh, no.
The jar and I had gone round and round for several months. I would have a hankering for a pickle and have another go at the jar and the jar would not yield. I would then put the jar back into the refrigerator, to await our next encounter.
I kept meaning to ask for assistance when folks would come by the house.
But, as it happened, the pickles would not come to mind when others were present.
Only when I was alone.
And so I went pickle-less, only thinking about the lack when I would spot the jar and want to have a pickle.

Today, I had decided to have a hamburger sandwich.
I know, for some folks, that's a fairly common lunch item.
Not for me.
I'm rather picky about burger meat.
In fact, this burger might not even be called a burger by some folks, as it contained no beef and was made from ground chicken.
But it was a burger to me and I had been thinking about eating a burger sandwich for a couple of days.
I had my mouth all set for it, you know what I mean?
And I wanted pickles with my burger.

So, I set myself to try to open that jar, one more time.
I ran hot water over the cap.
The cap would not turn.
I turned the jar upside-down, to break the vacuum seal, a trick I have used to good advantage on other jars.
The jar would not open.
I tapped the lid with a knife.
The lid still did not turn.
I put on my gardening gloves with the rubber beads on the palms and fingers.
The pickles remained trapped within the glass.
I even wnet onto the front porch to see if I could flag down someone with strong hands that might be passing by.
No one was there and my neighbors seemed to be gone.
By this time, I was getting angry. All I wanted was to have some pickles with my burger. That's all. That did not seem to be a great demand that I was making. I just wanted some dill pickles with my lunch.
Arrrgghhhh!!!!
Realizing that I was leaning toward the use of my hammer to break the jar, just to get some pickles, the thought occurred to me that I should send out an SOS to my first niece and her husband.

me: Help! I cannot open my jar of pickles! Seriously.
her: Lol. Jason gets off at 3, should I send him over?
me: Yes, please. I have waited for two months to eat these pickles.
me: I have two other jars I cannot open, too.
her: Ok, I will let him know.
me: Thank you so much!
him: I'm getting off work now. I should be there in just a few minutes.
me: Thank you! <3

And so he did.
By the time he arrived, I had five jars lined up on the counter for him.
The pickle jar took a little work, but he finally opened it.
The jar of olives opened fairly readily, too.
But the jar of banana pepper rings refused. He had to put on the gardening gloves and really put some muscle into it, but the cap finally yielded.
As did the previously opened jars of apple butter and mango jam, glued shut by their own sticky residue at their mouths.
Then he and I talked a little while and gave each other big hugs and he headed for home.

I had my burger sandwich... and at least five pickles.
At last!

rules for life

Written By Regina Brett, "90 years old *", of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to '91' in August (2009), so here is the column once more."

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20.. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22.. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23.. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39.. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


Just so you know, the woman is actually in her 50's. Somehow, somewhere along the line, somebody went to forward her list and mistakenly read her age as "90", not "50". Strange how things like that happen!
Wear your glasses, folks... I do!
Well... most of the time. :-)