dream so real

I would have sworn that I was held this morning as I slept.
I had awakened earlier, then gone back to bed, but not to sleep. Tossing and turning, I tried my usual tricks to regain slumber. Start on my right side, until I'm drifting, then roll over to the left to the land of Nod.
Nope. I was still awake.
Try it again. Slow the breath, bring the sheet over my head for a little extra darkness, let the mind go blank.
No. No, no, no. This was not working. And I was to leave for Pennsylvania today and would need to be rested.
And, as I lay there, with the sheet partially covering my face, I thought I felt someone come and lie down against my back, then drape an arm under my own and pull me near.
I didn't dare open my eyes for fear that I would find I was dreaming.
I didn't want the sensation of being held to be proved false.
Yet, it had to be... right?
No.
I chose to believe it to be true and snuggled into the embrace, relaxing into the deep, and not stirring until my alarm clock signaled the time for me to rise.
No one was there with me. I woke alone.
I wanted to talk to the peace Guy about the sensation, but I couldn't. Instead, I found myself fighting back tears.
I want touch.
Not sex.
Touch.
Is it really so impossible to have one without the other?
Sex would be good, too, but that comes with so many expectations and baggage. Also, it would be breaking one of my laws, as brothers, whether by blood or by choice, are out of consideration.
But why would it be wrong for two friends to cuddle while watching tv at the end of a night? Why would it be wrong for those two friends to hold each other while they slept, to wake up next to a smiling face? Why must the solace of such comforting touch only be obtained through sex with strangers?
The situation makes no sense to me, makes me crazy.
The situation makes me very sad.
For now, I need to leave.
Maybe I can talk about it when I return home in a week.
Maybe.
Probably not.
And that makes me sad, too.