vanity...

About this time on Wednesday, I was putting on a brave attitude.

One of the two facial moles which I've had all my life had been determined by my new dermatologist to be a possible hazard to my health.

All I could think of was the loss of self.

It was not the only one taken, but it was the one most important to me.

During the night I was awakened by wetness of blood on my pillow.

That lone mole was seeping, necessitating a second trip to Georgia Skin & Cancer Clinic.

This time, electric cauterization was used to close off its blood vessels.

That was a very different smell from the chemical staunching agent.

I was a bit sadder about the potential loss of that mole.

Today, about another 24 hours later, I am even sadder.

That red triangle around my poor burnt mole speaks volumes about its unhappiness, and my own.

I've spoken with Andew, my British friend in Virginia, about it.

His wife had one taken off, in about the same place on her face, three months ago. 

His brother died of skin cancer three years ago, from a mole gone bad that went internal and poisoned his liver and other organs.

I understand about that, having had a scare with a mole on my chest forty years ago, when I was in grad school at FSU.

None of that logic and science can help me right now.

I need to know how I will find me in the mirror, when my face becomes asymmetrical from the loss of one of the moles that mark me as myself.

I'm tired of marking my birthdays with medical procedures.

How will I adapt to a new face?

Can I?

wednesday, wednesday, such a busy day!

First order of business: go to the Georgia Skin & Cancer Clinic to meet Taylor Byrne, my new dermatologist.

What odd things they had on the walls!

She did a full body scan and found five moles - FIVE! - that looked suspicious. 

She took scrapings and was done, for now.

I had some time before the movie started.

Off I went to the Southwest Chatham Public Library to get my early voting done! 

I was actually shocked at how many items were on the Democratic ballot.

Based on the flyers in the mail and the ads on TV, it was easy to think only six seats were up for grabs.

Even so, I made the best choices for me and moved on and out of there!

Next up was a visit to Auto Zone.

I'd made five visits, buying at least $20 worth of goods each time, and now I would get my reward: $20 of free goods!!!

In honor of my car's upcoming 25th birthday on the 16th, I got two quarts of oil for her.

My thirsty Saturn will be drinking in style!

Her oil lines weren't the only ones getting a treat on this outing.

Her gas tank received $25 of gasoline, all free to me!

I used that gift card from the AARP luncheon, so the 'free' gas was a bday68 gift for me and a bday25 gift for my car.

That wasn't the only gift from AARP, either!

My game-playing reward points netted me a 5-buck gift card.

That granted me an almost-free Cameo special at AMC today!

Paired with my A*List membership, this matinee and snack cost me $2.

I would have gladly paid more for this Hugh Jackman caper!

Oh, yes, i intend to see "The Sheep Detectives" multiple times!!!

I do!

It was like stepping back in time to the Disney Sunday night movies of my youth, with a lovely bunch of English folk running the mystery!

Then I dined early at Texas Roadhouse, courtesy of that fundraiser last month, as well as the Christmas gift card from Tony and Laura.

I used the gala's "free appetizer" coupon to buy Tater Skins, of course.

Those will be a great breakfast for the rest of this week...

then I tried the Chicken Alfredo Penne, as something different.

Different it certainly was!

I'm not saying it was bad... as I took half of it home for another meal... but it needed garlic to make it sing.

How about that!

I made a pun using the focus of that gala!

What a wonderful Wednesday!

musical monday!

Get this: it all started with the WSAV weather song.

I kid you not.

Just look at those notes trailing up and down the scale!

Taking a cue from the song in "The Sound Of Music", I figured it out.

Starting with today's high and following through the week, here goes!

LA -- DO -- MI  -- SO  -- MI -- SO -- LA

Very raggedy tune fragment, but there you have it.

I followed that with a music documentary on PBS, "Looking For Cole".

Wilfried Van den Brande was inspired to make this documentary about Cole Porter after singing "So In Love" with Kim Criswell.

That duet was in 2007.

Seven years later, the film was completed, full of the music of the man that Van den Brande regards as "the greatest American songwriter".

I loved that Porter's journals were included in this!

All those notations about "Love For Sale", "Anything Goes", "Night And Day"...

his life in Paris with his wife, Linda, the only woman he loved...

spending his inheritance from his grandpa on fun in the sun with men...

what a vibrant life he led until a horse-riding accident in 1937.

I'm so glad that PBS gave this slice of his life to me!

(smile!)

Then I was off for something different: a concert film at AMC!

"Billie Eilish - Hit Me Hard and Soft: The Tour" was even part of the A*List!

That meant it was free for me, perhaps as a bday68 gift from the Universe.

See, Barbara Nixon was a fan of the young American, perhaps because of her math students, so I went to the movie in memory of my friend.

The Universe was looking out for me.

I'd chosen the 2 PM, 3-D, movie time, but that had been a mistake in the schedule and wasn't actually a thing.

However, Brooke set me up with my very own private viewing...

and I could feel Boo's presence with me as I watched the 24-year-old singer/songwriter bounce all over the stage in Manchester, England.

I only knew four of her songs - "Bad Guy", "Ocean Eyes", "Birds Of A Feather", and "No Time To Die" - and that was rather glancingly.

Not so for her fans!

They knew every single word of every single song.

I should note that no one in that concert audience was my age.

The vast majority were females, in their teens and twenties, with a few male sprinkled in, as well as a few moms.

I came away knowing Billie to be a good role model for her peers, emphasizing knowledge and not sex appeal.

No wonder Barbara liked her music!

Then I finished up this day with Music Bingo in the company of our mutual friend, Sandy, as well as Marcia.

I opted for the Chef Salad at Midtown Sports Grill, topping it with the peanut vinaigrette usually reserved for their Thai Salad.

Wow, what a flavor sensation!!!

That used up the last of my winnings, too, from two months ago.

Sandy was the only one of to win this time, taking the free-appetizer prize for the second game, which was, appropriately for her, "80's Mix #2 - New"!

She does so love that era!

My card was pretty useless for that game, as well as for the first game, which was all about country music.

However, for the last game, that music was more the speed for me and Marcia, and I was only one song away from that 50-dollar prize card!

All I needed was "Feels So Good", by Chuck Mangione.

Better luck to all of us next time!

What a day full of music, and friends, for me!

i thank You, God!

cold day, hot men: part 2

Subtitle: Thanks, James Van Der Beek, for making a hero move.

See, I figured out why this special from December of 2024 was re-aired.

On February 11th, that actor who'd been in "Dawson's Creek" died.

James would have been 49 years old next month on March 8th.

That's him, second from the right, in the brown pullover and tam.

The woman to the left is Mandy Moore, the choreographer of their burlesque dance routine to Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On."

Starting from the left, the men are Bruno Tonioli, Taye Diggs, Anthony Anderson, Chris Jones, James Van Der Beek, and Tyler Posey.

As diverse as their ages (in 2024) are their distinguishing features.

Bruno is the 68-year-old Italian dance machine of the stars.

Taye is the 53-year-old hunk that once helped a new divorcee find her strengths and get her groove back.

Anthony, at 54, represents the chunky boy next door that could always make you laugh and feel pretty, as a game show host always should.

Chris, that tall drink of water in the middle, at 30 years old and a three-time Super Bowl champion with the Kansas City Chiefs, fulfills every woman's fantasy of making it with a buff football player.

James, 47 years old, was the genteel white dude who had been a teen-bop heart throb on television.

Tyler, the tattooed 33-year-old Latino with the musical background, is the perfect addition for the six-man team. 

Together they represent a flavor for every female fantasy, which was obvious when Bruno, Tyler, Chris, Anthony, James, and Taye took the stage for that one-night performance in Los Angeles.

But let me set the record straight: this was not a Chippendales strip show.

Anthony Anderson had lost his father and three brothers to cancer and wanted to do something to encourage men to take action.

He knew that men, no matter what race, have a problem with associating going to a doctor with stripping down and showing weakness.

What might put that action into proper perspective than to strip down with a few others, in front of an audience, and to bare all in the name of fighting prostate, testicular, and colorectal cancer?

He went ahead and booked the theater where the show would be held.

The problem, then, was trying to get other male celebrities to bring their star power for that fundraiser.

The first to show up was Taye Diggs, unsure of whether he really wanted to strip down, but wanting to honor the deaths of his mom and dad to cancer.

Bruno Tonioli was the next to walk through the door for the training session; he'd come to honor his friend and mentor.

Chris Jones showed up just a few days before the show, to replace a man who'd had to leave; Chris was there to honor his coach.

Tyler Posey's mom had died of breast cancer, having postponed going to the doctor until it was too late.

That had almost been James Van Der Beek's story, but with him being the one who had waited until almost too late.

As he finally told the others at dinner a few nights before the show, he had known something was wrong, but he didn't want to see the doctor, afraid his worst fears might be true.

That sounds like exactly what Daddy had done in 2008, and like exactly what Mother Pat had done in 2006. 

Both of them were dead within a year.

Now, James Van Der Beek has died, after a three-year battle.

The re-airing of the 2024 special was done to continue to raise awareness.

Fox even kept the QR code onscreen at all times, encouraging viewers to donate to support colorectal cancer research.

That truly is a disease that should claim no lives and cause no heartbreak, as a simple screening can lead to its discovery and treatment.

Want to be a man that takes care of his loved ones?

Get a colonoscopy.

Have a prostate exam.

See your doctor on a regular basis so they know you.

Cancer doesn't discriminate, it's an equal opportunity killer.

brevity is the soul of w;t

No, that isn't a typo.
The play follows the last few months in the life of a professor of English literature, dying of ovarian cancer. She has given her body to science, while living. That is to say, she has agreed to undergo radical chemotherapy for eight months, knowing the treatment will not cure her, but agreeing to allow the doctors to use her as a test case for their research.
Thank God she had a nurse with both a conscience and a heart.
It's important to note, at this point, that the bedside manner of physicians has undergone a major overhaul since the early 1990's, when this play was written.
It's also of importance to note that the doctors are not the only ones dwelling in ivory towers, with limited exposure to the real world. The author, Margaret Edson, probably modeled the lead character after herself, as far as educational background is concerned. Both women, the real one and the fictional one, went straight from high school to college to graduate school and then into university as a teacher. Pardon me; I meant to say "Professor".
(smile)
Believe me, that distinction matters to many of those who have lived in the halls of academia their entire lives.
That's where the snobbery towards the bard comes into play. After all, Shakespeare wrote in the words of his day, the everyday language of the working man. "Hamlet" is chock full of lines which have lived on into usage still, such as my title quote. The same is also true of many of his other plays, too. I can recall being surprised when reading "Macbeth" at the number of lines I already knew!
I'm also familiar with the works of John Donne, a late sixteenth- and early seventeenth-century poet who struggled mightily with his own religious beliefs, raised Catholic but converted to Anglican to avoid death. Hence, his poems reek of suffering and pain and loss - and an interesting use of punctuation to alter perception. Later studiers of his works described him as the founder of "metaphysical poetry".
I would have liked to know his take on that.
His "Holy Sonnets", written after the death of his wife (during the birth of their twelfth child), are at the heart of "W;t". The lead character has studied his works for more than half of her life, teaching them for the last three decades.
I have to wonder about the purposeful use of a semicolon instead of the letter "i" in the play's title.
Did it represent the loss of the individual to the disease?
Does it reflect the impersonal use of the patient as an item to be studied?
Was it meant to remind us of the temporary nature of being an "I"?
Or are we to remember its cousin, the dash, and the usage of that small item to document the length of a life?
I'm going to close with a poem, written by Linda Ellis, in 1996. I've read it several times in emails, but never did it bear more meaning than to me than now.

​The Dash
by Linda Ellis copyright 1996


​I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
​the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

​So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?


​Copyright 1996 Linda Ellis
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

www.Linda-Ellis.com
- See more at: http://lindaellis.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/11/the-dash.html#sthash.Ir1pAGCU.dpuf

that girl is POISON

Today, a cat was reprieved. She was to have gone to the oncologist for an ultrasound and biopsy.
But he forgot his keys.
The plan was to pick her up from his home and then go to the only-in-town-once-weekly specialized vet for a four-hour oncology visit.
No rain to contend with for this pet's vet visit, but the path would be beset with obstacles as we were to travel in lunch-time traffic. Time would be one of those obstacles, as we needed to complete the journey from the school to downtown to midtown in about 40 minutes. Doable, but no spare time built in.
So after fleeing northward to retrieve the cat, we arrive to to his home to find: he has left the keys southside.
Really?
Really. The keys were left on his desk in his locked office.
Reprieve for the kitty.
Reprieve for me, too. I had not wanted her to go through this procedure. I had made it clear that I was not in favor of this action. I know it will be painful for her and may well shorten what little time she has left in this world. Pain is such an energy-sapping vampire.
As it stands, this thirteen-year-old has done quite well. The cancer now accounts for about a third of her total body mass. You read that correctly: a THIRD of her mass. In about 8 months' time. But she has seemed pain-free, maintaining a good appetite and good bowel habits and good response to her master's touch.
The key to her existence is for her to continue to have a managed pain level. The key is for her pain to be under her control, rather than the other way around.
His key was left southside.
Coincidence or subconscious thought?
Either way, the cat was safe to continue managing her own pain, her own way.

still me

One of the lessons I've (re)learned these past few months is this: whatever life throws at a person, they still NEED to be treated as they always have been. Not pitied, not shunned, not scorned. Too many times, the PERSON is equated with the physical body, though nothing could be farther from the truth. The physical body is simply the destructible, flawed vessel inhabited while doing time on this planet. The French philosopher, Teilhard DeChardin, long ago wrote: "We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience. Rather we are spiritual beings having a physical experience." Even before I knew of this person's writings, these words have been a cornerstone to the foundation of my views on life in this material world.

After the divorce, I kept telling everyone that I didn't want to be part of the great sadness in the world. I hadn't asked for the circumstances that threw me into this situation and I didn't want it to affect how people treated me. But the label "divorced" did change how I was treated. I was, and still am, the same spiritual being I ever was, with the same moral code I've had since my early 20's, but I found that my new label made folks a little uneasy. Suddenly, I couldn't be trusted around other people's husbands because I was an unescorted woman. Suddenly, I had friends questioning their own marriages because mine was no more. Suddenly, I was excluded from some social events because I would have been attending alone. Suddenly, I was regarded as "available" sexually.

What the hell?! I am still me, the same caring, trustworthy gal with the open heart, open mind, open arms. I am STILL me.

And my father is still himself. His body is full of Cancer, but the disease is NOT part of him. The disease is simply part of his body. Daddy still has his lively sense of humor, he still has his stories to tell, he still has the need for a connection to those he loves and holds dear. And so I have been trying to do as he wishes, to treat him still the same as I ever have, though maybe just a little nicer... then I get in my car to return home and shed my tears once I am on the road.