"An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered." Such reads the unattributed quote on one of my friend's facebook page. Oh, yes... Adventure! That has always been a magic word for me. Everyone has some magic word that'll motivate them toward one choice over another. Mine is "adventure."
When I was 17, that one word led me to choose the Navy over the Air Force. Why? The U.S. Navy's slogan at the time was :"It's not just a job, it's an adventure." How could I resist? Even though the initial contract was for six years (Advanced Electronics Field), I saw this choice as my opportunity to see the world, to travel, to meet new people... to have adventures! And I most assuredly did, including many that I did NOT share with Mama in my chatty letters home. Hey, some things need to stay where they happened, ya know, especially when in your early 20's. Especially when a SAILOR in your early 20's. Good times, very... good... times.
I had some incredible adventures during that time. Hanging out in Taipei with the owner of the tea shop behind the hotel... and going one evening to a movie ("The Gods Must Be Crazy", of all things!) and some beautiful gardens with her nephew. Eating orange beef at the Stoned Crow, an Australian restaurant, in Hong Kong, then wandering the streets, stopping at the temples along the way, the city lit up like a Christmas tree. Riding a local passenger ship, at night, back from Taiwan to Okinawa and seeing the jewels cast up in the black velvet sky. Driving from Pensacola, Florida, to my first duty station in the Panama Canal Zone, taking the Pan-American highway down Central America with the trucks and the cyclists and the mule-drawn wagons. Having the best tan ever at Playa del Diablo, just past Fort Gulick on the Atlantic side of Panama. Cruisin' up and down the California coast from San Diego to San Francisco, passing La Jolla and San Juan Capistrano and open desert.
Those were so very long ago, it seems, another lifetime ago. But I've had other adventures since then, just as memorable, some more so, some in my own back yard. I live for adventures, for trying new things, new places. I'll be off for a new adventure the first weekend in February: off to Charleston to hear Elliott and the Untouchables do their fabulous blues! I can hardly wait!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9r6Z7noLcl0&feature=related
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
rain
"I can't stand the rain/ Against my window." So sang Ann Peebles back in the day, so sang Tim Love last night with the Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love. On the other hand, I love the sound of rain, I love the sound of driving on a highway in a steady rain. Not a gully-washer, nor a light drizzle that makes the windshield wipers scrape, but a steady, drenching wash of water.
Today was a rainy day in Georgia and it was a rainy day in South Carolina as well. I had intended to go over to Beaufort to visit my ailing father in the morning. Time ticked away and I was still at home after noon. Then the postman delivered a big envelope from my youngest brother and the letter had a message for our father. Finally, motivation to get me out of the house! Northward I drove, with the rain beginning as soon as I hit the highway. Big lovely drops of rain, falling out of the sky, falling on the rivers and creeks and marshes, sweetening the air, knocking out the dust. Ahhhh...
I had a really good visit with Daddy and his family, even discussing the rain at one point and how much he and I both enjoyed driving in it. Not in town, mind you, where folks with licenses from Cracker Jacks feel free to get out and muck up the roads every time precipitation occurs. No. We like driving on the highway, accompanied by the wooshing sound of rubber on wet pavement, the "tlok tlok" of windshield wipers keeping time with the tunes on the radio, the gentle drumming on the roof of the car.
On the drive back to Savannah, the rain commenced again as soon as I was back on the highway. Nice! With dusk settling down around me, I saw the many slender fingers of the fog reaching out of the rivers and creeks and marshes, reaching for the sky, reaching for the soft dark underbellies of the clouds. What an incredible view: water, water, above and below and all around.
Today was a rainy day in Georgia and it was a rainy day in South Carolina as well. I had intended to go over to Beaufort to visit my ailing father in the morning. Time ticked away and I was still at home after noon. Then the postman delivered a big envelope from my youngest brother and the letter had a message for our father. Finally, motivation to get me out of the house! Northward I drove, with the rain beginning as soon as I hit the highway. Big lovely drops of rain, falling out of the sky, falling on the rivers and creeks and marshes, sweetening the air, knocking out the dust. Ahhhh...
I had a really good visit with Daddy and his family, even discussing the rain at one point and how much he and I both enjoyed driving in it. Not in town, mind you, where folks with licenses from Cracker Jacks feel free to get out and muck up the roads every time precipitation occurs. No. We like driving on the highway, accompanied by the wooshing sound of rubber on wet pavement, the "tlok tlok" of windshield wipers keeping time with the tunes on the radio, the gentle drumming on the roof of the car.
On the drive back to Savannah, the rain commenced again as soon as I was back on the highway. Nice! With dusk settling down around me, I saw the many slender fingers of the fog reaching out of the rivers and creeks and marshes, reaching for the sky, reaching for the soft dark underbellies of the clouds. What an incredible view: water, water, above and below and all around.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
50 is the new 40?
I don't know how anyone else's brain works, but I have some knowledge of the nature of my own. My brain likes to solve puzzles: crossword, jigsaw, sudoku. It always has and I've used that feature to my advantage time and time again, especially when I was in school. When I needed to write a paper, I would simply task my brain with developing the total topic and then wait for it to let me know the time was come to write. My friends and teachers didn't seem to understand that draft-writing and outlining were simply not useful tools for me in composition and really slowed me down.
The topic at dinner last night concerned age and appearances and included the assertion that "50 is the new '40' and 40 is the new '30'." Next thing I know, I've voiced a cohesive, multi-point argument. Unbeknowst to me and unbidden by me, this very topic was a puzzle my brain had taken on some time back and out of my mouth came the theories for the veracity of that assertion. Amazing.
First and foremost, I stated, we have MUCH better nutrition these days and, for many of us, that better nutrition began when we were in the womb. Better nutrition allows our bodies to better maintain every cell, every muscle, every organ, including the skin. With better cellular maintenance internally, and better skin care externally, we look younger longer. And for a nation so consumed by the appearance of the package, that translates to older folks looking a decade younger in the eyes of the beholder and the camera.
Second, we don't work as hard physically as our forebears did. We have developed tools to make our work easier and faster. No more do we have generations of skilled craftsman building a single mansion, or church, or monstrous public display such as a pyramid. With the tools now at our disposal, those edifices can be erected in a matter of months or years, not decades. Less strain on our bodies means less wear and tear on our physical appearance, allowing us to not show our age at the once-normal pace.
Third, we have more free time on our hands. Not only do the tools we have developed make our work easier, those same tools make our work faster, allowing us to work fewer hours. More free time should translate into better rested bodies, though that is not necessarily so. Still, more leisure time again means less wear and tear on our bodies, as many of us use that leisure time to exercise and tone the vessels that hold our souls. The benefit again is reflected in a longer stance with a younger appearance.
It's taken me longer to write this than for me to have uttered these thoughts last night at dinner. Amazing. I tell my students all the time that the subconscious brain is faster than any computer, that it is the source of our "gut feelings", of our instinct about a situation or a person. The brain is the keeper of every sensory bit of data collected by our bodies, as well as the library holding every word we've ever read. And yet, we depend too often on input from others to govern our own actions and beliefs. Not that it's a bad thing to look to others for advice and to take heed of their knowledge and experience. No, but we need to have more faith in our own database and continue to add to that store of knowledge, including one-on-one with other people. We need to accept responsibility for our own actions and decisions.
Me, too.
The topic at dinner last night concerned age and appearances and included the assertion that "50 is the new '40' and 40 is the new '30'." Next thing I know, I've voiced a cohesive, multi-point argument. Unbeknowst to me and unbidden by me, this very topic was a puzzle my brain had taken on some time back and out of my mouth came the theories for the veracity of that assertion. Amazing.
First and foremost, I stated, we have MUCH better nutrition these days and, for many of us, that better nutrition began when we were in the womb. Better nutrition allows our bodies to better maintain every cell, every muscle, every organ, including the skin. With better cellular maintenance internally, and better skin care externally, we look younger longer. And for a nation so consumed by the appearance of the package, that translates to older folks looking a decade younger in the eyes of the beholder and the camera.
Second, we don't work as hard physically as our forebears did. We have developed tools to make our work easier and faster. No more do we have generations of skilled craftsman building a single mansion, or church, or monstrous public display such as a pyramid. With the tools now at our disposal, those edifices can be erected in a matter of months or years, not decades. Less strain on our bodies means less wear and tear on our physical appearance, allowing us to not show our age at the once-normal pace.
Third, we have more free time on our hands. Not only do the tools we have developed make our work easier, those same tools make our work faster, allowing us to work fewer hours. More free time should translate into better rested bodies, though that is not necessarily so. Still, more leisure time again means less wear and tear on our bodies, as many of us use that leisure time to exercise and tone the vessels that hold our souls. The benefit again is reflected in a longer stance with a younger appearance.
It's taken me longer to write this than for me to have uttered these thoughts last night at dinner. Amazing. I tell my students all the time that the subconscious brain is faster than any computer, that it is the source of our "gut feelings", of our instinct about a situation or a person. The brain is the keeper of every sensory bit of data collected by our bodies, as well as the library holding every word we've ever read. And yet, we depend too often on input from others to govern our own actions and beliefs. Not that it's a bad thing to look to others for advice and to take heed of their knowledge and experience. No, but we need to have more faith in our own database and continue to add to that store of knowledge, including one-on-one with other people. We need to accept responsibility for our own actions and decisions.
Me, too.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
lagniappe
An unexpected bonus, a perquisite, was awarded to me at the cinema tonight. I was there to see a concert movie (Fall Out Boy in NYC), a rare occurrence in and of itself in this town. I had been contemplating whether or not to have popcorn with my night out or to save that money for another time and had almost fixated on the latter option as I approached the ticket counter. "One ticket for 'Fall Out Boy,' please." "Oh, here, you can be the guest of the theater tonight, just write your name and phone number on this log." Incredulously, I did as I was bid and was rewarded with free passage into a night-time show. With my ticket money still in hand, I went on to the concession stand and treated myself to popcorn AND a small coke. That proved to be a bonus for the cinema: contrary to popular opinion, they make their money off snack sales, not ticket purchases. Lagniappe for all!
I really do like that Cajun word: lagniappe. So many synonyms are available, all with their shades of meaning. Perquisite, aka "perk." Bonus. Gratuity. Reward. Benefit. Gift. Tip. As per dictionary.com, the word of interest means "an unexpected or indirect benefit." Unexpected is good! I like surprises, especially those which grant me a gift simply for my presence in the right place at the right time.
This weekend has been full of lagniappe. Saturday morning, I was called to breakfast with dear friends (and their children!) I haven't seen for a while, mostly due to schedule conflicts. What a bonus to start the day with a meal with family! Later, I went to my 10-year-old niece's birthday party and was greeted with the company of extended family I rarely get to see, as well as the absolute pleasure of playing Five Star Family Fun games with my nieces and nephew. From there, I was off to another friend's 50th birthday party and again was thrilled to be sociable with folks I see only once or twice a year, as well as those I see more often.
I finished Saturday doing my karaoke thing, with songs added to the playlist earlier that very day "especially for me". What a treat, indeed! Friends from another social group just happened to be there, too, so we chatted and laughed and talked about a future sociable event slated for Monday evening. Later, a new friend arrived and we sang some duets for songs that aren't those kinds of songs... and we did them well and had great fun with the non-traditional duets!
Today, I woke up when I woke up, which means I slept in. What a luxurious bonus to be able to lounge in a warm bed until almost 11am! Then, I pretty much didn't do anything all day, just goofed on the computer, took care of a few household chores, made some lunches for next week, all at a leisurely pace. I even talked on the phone several times to folks, including an old friend trying to renew the friendship we once enjoyed. That'll certainly be a bonus, too.
Then I went to the cinema to watch a concert and a complete stranger offered me: lagniappe.
I really do like that Cajun word: lagniappe. So many synonyms are available, all with their shades of meaning. Perquisite, aka "perk." Bonus. Gratuity. Reward. Benefit. Gift. Tip. As per dictionary.com, the word of interest means "an unexpected or indirect benefit." Unexpected is good! I like surprises, especially those which grant me a gift simply for my presence in the right place at the right time.
This weekend has been full of lagniappe. Saturday morning, I was called to breakfast with dear friends (and their children!) I haven't seen for a while, mostly due to schedule conflicts. What a bonus to start the day with a meal with family! Later, I went to my 10-year-old niece's birthday party and was greeted with the company of extended family I rarely get to see, as well as the absolute pleasure of playing Five Star Family Fun games with my nieces and nephew. From there, I was off to another friend's 50th birthday party and again was thrilled to be sociable with folks I see only once or twice a year, as well as those I see more often.
I finished Saturday doing my karaoke thing, with songs added to the playlist earlier that very day "especially for me". What a treat, indeed! Friends from another social group just happened to be there, too, so we chatted and laughed and talked about a future sociable event slated for Monday evening. Later, a new friend arrived and we sang some duets for songs that aren't those kinds of songs... and we did them well and had great fun with the non-traditional duets!
Today, I woke up when I woke up, which means I slept in. What a luxurious bonus to be able to lounge in a warm bed until almost 11am! Then, I pretty much didn't do anything all day, just goofed on the computer, took care of a few household chores, made some lunches for next week, all at a leisurely pace. I even talked on the phone several times to folks, including an old friend trying to renew the friendship we once enjoyed. That'll certainly be a bonus, too.
Then I went to the cinema to watch a concert and a complete stranger offered me: lagniappe.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
invisible trees
"Am I gonna learn this time/ am I gonna try to get around it/ am I gonna reach the vine/ when will I realize that I found it?" So begins one of those songs that get into your head and and won't let go, songs with an ulterior motive, working on your subconscious mind. Moreover, the song is NOT one ever heard on the radio and I wouldn't have ever been exposed to it except I was married to a music man. The song is called "Invisible Tree" and it's sung by Josh Clayton-Felt, a young man taken off this planet by a strain of the great virus Cancer. I like the song, an anthem to a human tendency to make mountains out of molehills, to play what if. Now, there's a game with absolutely no winners and it's a real time-consuming and energy-sapping beast, engaged in more often than it should be.
"Some are gonna know it's there/ some will say you're only wishin'/ some are gonna be too scared/ don't wanna know what they are missin'." Not making a decision for fear of it being the wrong one, not believing in your own path because others haven't yet walked it, not asking for something desired for fear of hearing a negative answer; not making a move because of the invisible tree in your path, the monster in the closet, the bugaboo haunting your thoughts. The loss of faith in your own ability to choose your own path. How does that happen? One moment, you can see the future laid out before you, even the bends in the road being gentle enough to assure that the path is safe and bright. Then, an obstacle rises before you, cutting you off forever from that sure path and forcing you to make a decision: stay planted with past ghosts on that narrow blocked path, surmount the obstacle and regain your path, or force your way through the dimly lit underbrush to create a new path.
Well, I like to travel and have done so my entire life, ever since I was a baby and my mother would roll me around the apartment in the stroller to calm me. Since I cannot retreat into the past (because of the nature of time on this planet), and I have already climbed over this hurdle once before and cannot do so again, then it's my choice to forge a new way, yet again. Adventure, that magic word for me, awaits. One step at a time, my girl, one small step at a time to find a new bright future., acknowledging the presence of invisible trees and swinging on their vines.
"Some are gonna know it's there/ some will say you're only wishin'/ some are gonna be too scared/ don't wanna know what they are missin'." Not making a decision for fear of it being the wrong one, not believing in your own path because others haven't yet walked it, not asking for something desired for fear of hearing a negative answer; not making a move because of the invisible tree in your path, the monster in the closet, the bugaboo haunting your thoughts. The loss of faith in your own ability to choose your own path. How does that happen? One moment, you can see the future laid out before you, even the bends in the road being gentle enough to assure that the path is safe and bright. Then, an obstacle rises before you, cutting you off forever from that sure path and forcing you to make a decision: stay planted with past ghosts on that narrow blocked path, surmount the obstacle and regain your path, or force your way through the dimly lit underbrush to create a new path.
Well, I like to travel and have done so my entire life, ever since I was a baby and my mother would roll me around the apartment in the stroller to calm me. Since I cannot retreat into the past (because of the nature of time on this planet), and I have already climbed over this hurdle once before and cannot do so again, then it's my choice to forge a new way, yet again. Adventure, that magic word for me, awaits. One step at a time, my girl, one small step at a time to find a new bright future., acknowledging the presence of invisible trees and swinging on their vines.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
resolution
I only made one resolution for this new year: be more sociable. I've been saying that to everyone and I think my brother put a voice to everyone's thought. This past Sunday, as the family was visiting outside a favorite restaurant, I happened to voice my resolution and my brother looked at me incredulously. His wife asked him, "what was that look for?" and his reply was, "She wants to be MORE sociable? She goes out ALL the time! She'll never be home."
Well, being sociable and going out on the town a lot are NOT the same. Going out on the town is a way of passing time, of being with others in the acquaintance category, of postponing a return to an empty abode. "Sociable" is defined as "inclined to associate with or be in the company of others." For me, to be sociable is to take an active concern in making connections with others, especially with those already known, and I have two paths to achieve that goal. First, I have realized the past few years that I have fewer presents to buy for my nieces and nephews each Christmas and each birthday, as their age advances beyond 18. My policy is to give presents up to the senior year of high school; after that, they're "adults" and it's cards only. Some kind of limit had to be constructed; after all, I have nineteen nieces and nephews, thanks to three brothers, one stepbrother, two stepsisters, two halfbrothers, and one stepsister-in-law. In addition, I have several "honorary" nieces and nephews, born to people I regard as family. I even have a great-niece and a great-nephew, with another to arrive this summer.
As it now stands, I have ten who are over the age of eighteen. One niece has just turned 26; one more niece and one nephew will follow suit in March. And I truly realized this Christmas how little I know them anymore. As they have completed high school and gone in their own directions, there are only two of them that keep in regular communication. The rest have their own lives, their own jobs, their own routines. I don't even keep any regular contact with the ones who are still in school, as their families have schedules to keep, others to see.
Truth to tell, keeping up with each other was much easier when my mother was still alive. There would be HUGE family get-togethers for Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas at her and my stepdad's home, cars and kids and kinfolk spilling out into the street. After her death (Jan. 2, 2001), the family splintered off into other homes, only reuniting for Christmas. So, it's now been several years since I really had much interaction with several of my nieces and nephews, much less their parents. I miss that.
The second path to being more sociable is all internal and I will have to work at following that road on my own. This path is ALL about "inclined to associate with or be in the company of others." See that word "inclined"? That's where I truly need change. Sure, I go to a lot of events, a good number of movies, out to dinners and lunches; but I'm doing these things alone. Sometimes I prefer to be by myself, true enough. There are other times, though, that I would rather have someone with me to share the experience, but I haven't called anyone or even made any attempts to contact a friend or family member to see if they would like to join me. Why? Well, mostly I don't contact others because I get tired of hearing "no", which I tend to get because I call on the spur of the moment because I don't make plans in advance. Spontaneity is fine and dandy if one is single, but not when a person has responsibilities to others and I really don't know that many single people. Rather, I don't yet know that many single people who's idea of a good time doesn't involve a bar or alcohol, but that will change, too.
Hence, my new year's resolution for 2009 to "be more sociable." Invite family and friends to my house more often, call more often, actually get the addresses for my older nieces and nephews. Actively seek company for my ventures out and about. Participate more, visit more, laugh together MORE.
Well, being sociable and going out on the town a lot are NOT the same. Going out on the town is a way of passing time, of being with others in the acquaintance category, of postponing a return to an empty abode. "Sociable" is defined as "inclined to associate with or be in the company of others." For me, to be sociable is to take an active concern in making connections with others, especially with those already known, and I have two paths to achieve that goal. First, I have realized the past few years that I have fewer presents to buy for my nieces and nephews each Christmas and each birthday, as their age advances beyond 18. My policy is to give presents up to the senior year of high school; after that, they're "adults" and it's cards only. Some kind of limit had to be constructed; after all, I have nineteen nieces and nephews, thanks to three brothers, one stepbrother, two stepsisters, two halfbrothers, and one stepsister-in-law. In addition, I have several "honorary" nieces and nephews, born to people I regard as family. I even have a great-niece and a great-nephew, with another to arrive this summer.
As it now stands, I have ten who are over the age of eighteen. One niece has just turned 26; one more niece and one nephew will follow suit in March. And I truly realized this Christmas how little I know them anymore. As they have completed high school and gone in their own directions, there are only two of them that keep in regular communication. The rest have their own lives, their own jobs, their own routines. I don't even keep any regular contact with the ones who are still in school, as their families have schedules to keep, others to see.
Truth to tell, keeping up with each other was much easier when my mother was still alive. There would be HUGE family get-togethers for Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas at her and my stepdad's home, cars and kids and kinfolk spilling out into the street. After her death (Jan. 2, 2001), the family splintered off into other homes, only reuniting for Christmas. So, it's now been several years since I really had much interaction with several of my nieces and nephews, much less their parents. I miss that.
The second path to being more sociable is all internal and I will have to work at following that road on my own. This path is ALL about "inclined to associate with or be in the company of others." See that word "inclined"? That's where I truly need change. Sure, I go to a lot of events, a good number of movies, out to dinners and lunches; but I'm doing these things alone. Sometimes I prefer to be by myself, true enough. There are other times, though, that I would rather have someone with me to share the experience, but I haven't called anyone or even made any attempts to contact a friend or family member to see if they would like to join me. Why? Well, mostly I don't contact others because I get tired of hearing "no", which I tend to get because I call on the spur of the moment because I don't make plans in advance. Spontaneity is fine and dandy if one is single, but not when a person has responsibilities to others and I really don't know that many single people. Rather, I don't yet know that many single people who's idea of a good time doesn't involve a bar or alcohol, but that will change, too.
Hence, my new year's resolution for 2009 to "be more sociable." Invite family and friends to my house more often, call more often, actually get the addresses for my older nieces and nephews. Actively seek company for my ventures out and about. Participate more, visit more, laugh together MORE.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
peace
Ah. Hear that? Nothing but the hum of the computer fan in the foreground. No television burbling its incessant stream of noise, no traffic sounds grinding in the street. This is one of the reasons I like this time of night. The day has had its moment, the evening is winding to a close. Time to turn on the mattress pad (soothing, comforting warmth!) and chill in front of the computer's unblinking eye for a bit. This has been "my time" for years now. Anyone else in the house would be asleep and I could do whatever I wanted for a while. The only thing that would make this time better is a cup of hot chocolate or warm eggnog. Hmmm.... now, THERE's a worthy course of action!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
loss adjustment, still
The end of the year was very hard on me. I had to ask myself some hard questions, partly because hard questions were being asked of me, partly because a dear friend recently went through the loss adjustment that I did last year. I still communicate with my ex-husband, as does she with hers, and the question was posed: would I take him back, even though we are now divorced and have been living separate lives for more than a year?
Well, that would be akin to going back to your favorite place in the world, trying to recapture the feelings you had then. But even though you can revisit that PLACE, you cannot revisit that TIME. Time goes ever forward from the present moment, time is only available for visitation NOW. When you attempt to recapture a feeling from the past, you have already been changed by experiences you have had since that moment, so you are not the same, nor is time. The trick is to enjoy the moment NOW, so you can enjoy the memories later because you cannot, in this world, reclaim that past moment in time and space.
That said, my answer is no, he and I cannot be a couple again. I traveled that road years before, of forgiving and trying to forget the hurt, the loss of what we had. After about two years of hard work, he and I had recovered much of what was lost and were again moving forward together, creating new memories of our love and our life, finding new times to treasure, looking toward a future in each other's arms. I cannot struggle down that road again. My body may know his body, but my mind cannot allow that betrayal to ever be visited upon me again. I want his friendship, I want to know how he is doing, I want him to be happy... and I choose to believe that he wants the same for me.
Well, that would be akin to going back to your favorite place in the world, trying to recapture the feelings you had then. But even though you can revisit that PLACE, you cannot revisit that TIME. Time goes ever forward from the present moment, time is only available for visitation NOW. When you attempt to recapture a feeling from the past, you have already been changed by experiences you have had since that moment, so you are not the same, nor is time. The trick is to enjoy the moment NOW, so you can enjoy the memories later because you cannot, in this world, reclaim that past moment in time and space.
That said, my answer is no, he and I cannot be a couple again. I traveled that road years before, of forgiving and trying to forget the hurt, the loss of what we had. After about two years of hard work, he and I had recovered much of what was lost and were again moving forward together, creating new memories of our love and our life, finding new times to treasure, looking toward a future in each other's arms. I cannot struggle down that road again. My body may know his body, but my mind cannot allow that betrayal to ever be visited upon me again. I want his friendship, I want to know how he is doing, I want him to be happy... and I choose to believe that he wants the same for me.
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