loss adjustment, still

The end of the year was very hard on me. I had to ask myself some hard questions, partly because hard questions were being asked of me, partly because a dear friend recently went through the loss adjustment that I did last year. I still communicate with my ex-husband, as does she with hers, and the question was posed: would I take him back, even though we are now divorced and have been living separate lives for more than a year?

Well, that would be akin to going back to your favorite place in the world, trying to recapture the feelings you had then. But even though you can revisit that PLACE, you cannot revisit that TIME. Time goes ever forward from the present moment, time is only available for visitation NOW. When you attempt to recapture a feeling from the past, you have already been changed by experiences you have had since that moment, so you are not the same, nor is time. The trick is to enjoy the moment NOW, so you can enjoy the memories later because you cannot, in this world, reclaim that past moment in time and space.

That said, my answer is no, he and I cannot be a couple again. I traveled that road years before, of forgiving and trying to forget the hurt, the loss of what we had. After about two years of hard work, he and I had recovered much of what was lost and were again moving forward together, creating new memories of our love and our life, finding new times to treasure, looking toward a future in each other's arms. I cannot struggle down that road again. My body may know his body, but my mind cannot allow that betrayal to ever be visited upon me again. I want his friendship, I want to know how he is doing, I want him to be happy... and I choose to believe that he wants the same for me.