when i'm 64

That was one of Mama's songs that she liked to sing. When i am sixty-four, i will be one year older than she was when she died.

Where are you going with this?

I'm just sayin', that's all.

Dear, i've been around enough that i know that when you use that phrase, you usually have something to say. So, out with it! Stop your dillydallying and speak your piece about whatever it is that you have on your mind.

Well, okay, but i want you to acknowledge that YOU asked for it.

Fine. I asked for it.

Yesterday, i went to a children's movie with my bff and lost my mind.

Jeez! Is that it? Aw, come on, you cry at animated films almost all the time. I'm not sure, further experimental data is needed to verify, but i believe you cry more often at animated films than you do at live action movies. Truly!

(Exasperated, elongated sigh.) I really can't recall, Perhaps, but i doubt it, as i have over-reactive tear ducts.

Hahaha!! Oh, that's priceless! No, what you have is an over-active imagination which allows you to integrate, perhaps, too deeply into the entertainment. Remember, they're all just poor little fictional characters -

You now, the purpose of attending an entertainment event is to allow one a respite from one's own existence and a brief interlude in someone else's world. It matters not whether the event is reading a book or listening to a concert or viewing a film.

(Stifling another chortle.) Fine, fine. (grin.) What movie was it this time?

(Sidelong glance, assessing the other.) Well, it was the new one, just opened yesterday, in fact, and my bff had pleaded by text before her visit that i agree to go see it with her. So i did. And we BOTH got a little teary at the end, though i suppose for different reasons. I don't really know. How odd.

Why odd?

That we didn't discuss WHY we teared up at the end. Don't you think that's odd?

(Shrug of shoulders.)

And off i go on anoher tangent. Yes, i know. Maybe i'm trying to avoid the topic i broached at the onset of this rant. Or is it a rave?

Seriously?

Fine. Here's my point. (Deep breath.) Okay, on Thursday, i had my portrait painted. No, not for posterity, but it will exist for about a month or so, i think. You recall that kickstarter project about the wall mural downtown?

(Nod of head.)

Well, some of my fliss funding went into that. Every month, a new artist will get to place their handiwork up for all to enjoy, then the next artist comes up to bat. So to speak. Perhaps i should have said "with brush in one hand and palette in the other." And someone else films the process for each artist, then the filmed work is placed online for all the backers to enjoy, so we can appreciate the end result in case we live too far away to visit the actual wall.

I thought we were talking about a movie???

I'm getting there! I have to set it up first, so you can better understand how my head was working. Lord knows, i wish i'd had someone to set it up for me!

You are definitely different, dear.

Don't i know it. KidSyc even talks about that in a song, too! "You say you know i'm different, i say i know i'm different, that's why i'm so terrific, that's why you're noticing me." You know, i think i would seriously enjoy sitting in on on of his class sessions.

(Incredulously) So, you think he wrote the song about you?

Maybe, maybe not. We have met a couple of times! (laughing) But i don't think he wrote it for me. I know he used the song when he was trying to help a local charity get some much-needed funding,

So... you were talking about some wall downtown... ?

Right. So, the first artist had painted this edge of the marsh scene, very nice, with lots of blue sky above and sand along the bottom. As if, perhaps, you were standing in the shallow water and gazing at the near distance. Quite nice.
The second artist chose to allow that work to stand undisturbed, mostly, painting stenciled flowers randomly between the marsh edge and sand foreground. Then, the word was sent out: any kickstarter backers who would like their likeness embedded in a flower, come on down!
So i did on Wednesday evening, having a bit of time on my hands. But the artisit was busy with locals who had come by, especially some children. After introducing myself, i pledged to return the next day.
And i did, but again there was a line of folks waiting to have their portrait become part of the new artwork.
So i waited. I talked to the folks there, discussing whether the stone in my ring is a citrine or citron. (It's a citrine, a lovely lemon-colored quartz.) We discussed the music, as the songs were familiar, but not by the particular artists performing them, underpinning the tunes with new meanings. (Such as, "Respect" being sung by a man, rather than Aretha.)
I watched three little blondes as their images became part of the visual dialogue, three little blondes who, at first glance, seemed so similar. But the artist was able to capture the nuances of their features, bringing to the fore the individuality of each girl. Over the course of an hour, i watched as he distilled their "sameness" into unique beings. Magic for sure!
Then it was my turn. I sat in the chair and had my real image captured, then settled in to allow him to see ME. And he did, in about ten minutes. And at first, i really enjoyed it. Dark brush strokes for the hair, mixing of tones for the face, put the tongue in or keep sticking it out? I decided to keep it in, so he finished up the lips, even adding a bit of what i thought of as gloss. Fun! And the bright green for the arms of the cheap sunglasses - definitely! And then he placed the splashes of gray into my hair, and, even though i knew in my heart that he was right and he had been successful in his task, that image was incongruent with the mental image of myself which i carry around in my mind. Was i truly that gray??? Surely not... right?
Then i thanked him and went off to prepare for my dinner party that evening.

You didn't realize you had gray hair? That's what you want me to believe?

No, i am quite aware that i have gray hair. I just hadn't realized how MUCH. And it was startling to see it reflected back to me through another's eyes. That's all.

And still we haven't gotten to the movie...

Okay!! Jeez, i thought you didn't believe in nagging!

Only for you, dear, only for you.

Fine. So, now you have the background. My feet are being swept out from under me by a young wave and my hair tells me i'm older. No, NOT old, just oldER. Okay?

I said nothing...

Nor did you need to. So, i'm watching this animated film about this strong-willed redhead and realize: the previews didn't spoil it. We had NO IDEA where this story was leading us. Pleasant surprise!
And i start noticing the gray in the mother's hair. Not salt and pepper, not scattershot like mine. No.
Her hair was adorned with the silvery gray, like my mother's had been.
And suddenly i was missing Mama. And i was feeling older.
And it was just a bit too much for me.

Well, dear, you do have the option of washing that gray right out of your hair, you know. You did so for years. As did Mama.

Yes, i know. And it could well be that i am now the age at which Mama stopped coloring her hair. If not, i must be close. Maybe. I had stopped dyeing my hair about March or April of 2010. I was dating an older fellow and i was curious about the quantity of gray i now possessed, My hair had lost color so slowly over the passing months that i somehow overlooked the evidence that the ratio of gray to dark was higher than i had supposed it was.
Now, i still may not notice the gray, but it shows up in pictures, so i cannot deny its existence.
And that freaked me out.

So, get some color on it! That's an easy enough fix!

And i had considered that. I am still considering that course of action. But earlier on Friday, i had bought a bottle of ash blonde, thinking that i would give it a whirl, maybe it would just color the gray but not affect my natural dark tone. And when i pulled it out to show her, after the movie, she jumped all over me for choosing such a light color, telling me that she wouldn't even go that pale for HER hair. And next thing you know, i'm in tears and telling her i don't want to look old and i don't know what to do and i miss my mom and i'm boy-crazy.
And she takes each issue and we deal with it. Right then and there.
And i felt much better.
And i had put up a question in the status line of my social network: To dye or not?
And i was amazed how many responded!
And even though the answers were mixed, it was good to know that folks had taken the time to think about the question and to think about me.
And i've placed that topic on hold for now. It's been two years, it'll keep a little longer.

Good. I think that's a good idea, give it some time to breathe and develop into a final plan.

You know, sometimes, i just need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I know, dear, i do. And when you need that, you get on the phone and let folks know so they can help, you hear? No one can read anyone else's mind, so if you don't tell them what you want, they have no way of knowing.
Right?
Hey!
Right???

Yes'm. Message received.
I am doing better at that, and i'll surely keep working on it.
And now i'm going to get outside for a bit, maybe go and visit that wall before the improv workshop.
And i'm taking a dress for tonight's dinner with the physicist.