happy birthday flag

I had known something was wrong with me from the moment i woke up today, but i couldn't put my finger on it.
I hadn't looked at a calendar.
The social network had reminded me late last night of Sam J's upcoming birthday, and I had posted celebratory greetings on his wall. I had even commented on how he was missed.
Then i went to sleep and woke up this morning down, down, down.
I started my day texting a new friend, with an apology for not asking him about a line of thought interrupted by the film last night. Before coffee, i was texting, seeking to lend solace. Before coffee.
As we sent our words through the morning air, i brought up blogging as therapy and mentioned how i had been on my beach a lot these past days. He suggested a meeting tonight to cage my demons and i agreed.
Then i had coffee and pasta for breakfast. And i thought i would go through my blogs, maybe pull up a few that help give my new friend a crash course in me. Not that i really think he needs it much, as he's been to my AD house and even seen part of my AD photo album. Still, i thought he might be interested in some of my blogs.
So, there i was, still in my nightgown, perusing my beach for scattered treasures. Posts like rain and "touch" and "irony". And let's not forget about "music festival" and "impact" and "invisible trees". All good ones for anyone trying to get a true feel for who i am or at least the machinations of my mind.
Then i found myself reading all the posts about Daddy and his impending death. And i sat here and sobbed. Father's Day is this weekend and the commercials just keep comin', just as they did for Mother's Day, reminding me that i have no parents now. Friends talk to me of the health and mental issues mounting for their parents and i cannot even begin to know what anguish they are bearing. For both of my parents, it was a matter of months between knowing of their ill health and mourning their death. At least i was better prepared for Daddy's death, having already watched Mama and Mother Pat waste away into the darkness. I was even able to help Daddy continue to BE himself for those last months, as i concentrated on treating him as my Daddy and not talking of his disease.
Then I came across "18 years" and my heart broke. I read it all again, through my streaming eyes, though i do believe i could have recited it by heart. I read the comments again, missing the man and missing our friendship and missing his strength during my first AD years.
Thanks to Sam, i have friends here, and elsewhere, now, who know me and know my story but don't know the ex. Believe me, that is a wonderful situation - they never ask about the ex and i don't bring him up, allowing a bit of breathing space in my new life.
I knew i was off today, but i didn't quite understand how far i had strayed.
I knew it was the 14th of June, but i had muted my actions of the night before, allowing me to temporarily derail my sorrow.
I knew i was missing a piece of my heart.
I didn't realize it was more than one.