one year mark with javaflix savannah

This month was my first anniversary as a JAVAFLIXian!
The group has grown greatly since then.
The above photo was taken this past July, at the viewing of "Philomena". I wasn't there, but several of my friends are! That's Barbara, lower right, on the loveseat by herself. On the tan couch, in the blue shirt, is Sandy. Between them, on the folding chair, in the green shirt, is Bonnie. Nanci is wearing the ballcap, behind Sandy, and Kimberly is behind Nanci and wearing a blue shirt, too.
As I said, I wasn't there. I was with Willie at the ballgame instead. I had meant to be at this screening, though, and had signed up for it, even though I had already seen the movie.
Many of the movies are ones I've already seen at least once. Last year, it was rare that a selection was not one I had seen.
Last year, I had joined the group in February, seeing my first film with them the next month. That one, the foreign film "Wadjda", was new to me and of great interest. I had liked that there were only three of us there, that wintry night, but looked forward to meeting others at future films.
I missed the next months.
For April, I commented on the film, but did not attend. I had seen "Dallas Buyers Club" at the beginning of 2014 and could not bear to ever see it again.
In May, I did not want to see "12 Years A Slave'. I still have not seen it and truly have no interest in doing so. Apparently, few others chose to go see it, as Patrick screened it for only himself and two others.
But I was there - and with a big crowd! - for June's screening! Apparently, "Her" was attractive to the voyeuristic vein in people. I had already seen it, of course, but on a weekday afternoon in a deserted theatre. It was good to see it with others! Truly, this was the best-attended JAVAFLIX event, with almost twenty people there. Wow!
July has already been covered, so let's move on to August. "The Lunchbox" was an Indian film I'd already seen at my beautiful Cinematique - but it was such a lovely film that I leapt at the opportunity to see it again! Such an excellent story of love and death and regaining one's joie de vivre - or should I say, ज़िंदादिली (the Hindi translation)? As I recall, everyone very much enjoyed this one!
September found the JAVAFLIX group "Finding Vivian Meier". I had already done so while in Daytona Beach. I advised all to see the Helen Leavitt photography exhibit at the Jepson Center before their viewing. I hope they did.
Then "Belle" came to the JAVAFLIX screening room. Ah, yes! Even though I had already seen it with my stepmom and first niece, I was eager to see it again. I was joined by twenty others!!! Great discussion afterward, though it did try to wander off into "back in the day" areas. That's okay; easy enough to regain the focus!
I skipped November's screening of "Chef". Already had that dish! But I did leave the group these words of advice.
"Fun movie, with a side of heart! Wish I could be there, but I have plans in Daytona Beach that weekend. Be forewarned - you'll want Cubans after the movie!"
December, January, and February have all featured movies I'd never seen!!! That's been amazing!
As you know, I see a lot of movies. I used to read books, but I do not have time for that indulgence. Movie-going has been a very satisfactory substitute and takes far less time. So, when this group of mixed viewers managed to select three films, over a course of three months, which I had not seen - well, it's not quite a miracle, but it is miraculous!
The films were "A Most Wanted Man", "Calvary", and "Dear White People". I had never even heard about those last two. The other I knew of, but hadn't seen it because it was being pushed as "Philip Seymour Hoffman's last movie" when it played in the multiplexes. This was definitely the right venue for it, especially as I had been to my friend Arthur's funeral that morning and was in need of distraction. Nothing like a spy film, full of betrayals and lies, to do the trick!
For the January event, I made a cake. Odd, right? But Patrick's birthday was coming the following weekend, so I made a cake. It was an Orange Dreamsicle Cake and I gave him the four pieces that were left. The movie generated a lot of talk about death and religion the stages of grief, whether that grief is for one's own impending death or that of another. I'm glad Sandy and I took off for karaoke afterward!
I've already waxed rhapsodically about "Dear White People", so you can read about here. That truly was a lot of fun!
Tonight's movie was "Birdman", the Oscar winner for Best Film of 2014.
How very appropriate to share my second viewing of the movie with the fine folks at this discussion group. You can read more about it here.
Thanks, Patrick! I look forward to more time shared with you and this diverse group of movie lovers!
(smile)

happy anniversary of... what?

Dear Tony,
I had not thought of putting funds into your account until I received your letter.
I've put $90 into your account, but will not have more until after I get paid - which will be 28 February.
So you might want to keep that in mind and plan accordingly.
By the way, I think somebody hacked my JPAY account.
Every credit card I have used on that site has had fraudulent charges run on them.
Every card.
It usually takes a month for the false charges show up.
This has been going on since March or April of last year.
I may have to switch to money orders, though.
I wonder if anyone else has had that happen.
The credit card companies have been very good about canceling the charges, so that's good, but sometimes the case drags on for several months. Very sad that someone is doing that.

Tomorrow is the Science Bowl at the school.
A bunch of high school students will be there to compete!
I'll be a reader,
which is what I've done
for the last few years.
They've tried to make me a timer or a scorer,
but I do best at reading the questions to the students.
I like that best, too!

with my love!

- And of course I wrote on the back of the card! I sent this joke to him!
Funny, I just noticed what anniversary this is: Four years since I blogged that panda joke!
Coincidence?

breathe, just breathe

One of the best things about vacations is this: you breathe again.
I know, it sounds absurd, right? You breathe all the time, without even thinking about, with the pace of your breaths linked to your gender and activity level and various other things.
But on a true vacation, one that has a little staying power to it or a relaxing vibe, you wake up one morning and realize: you're breathing.
Very nice feeling.

Um... you've been somewhere? I missed it??

No, I've been here, but the vacation came to me. So to speak.

Okay, the bait is out there, i'll bite. Whatever are you talking about?

Okay, remember i was talking about five-year anniversaries of bad things?

(Silent nod and slow exhale.)

Well, yesterday was such a day. I had actually gotten the date one day off earlier, but the seventh of July of 2007 was the day of betrayal and the last day of my ex in the house. As you know, i had been planning a pity party, to bitch and moan and be generally unsociable. Oh, but with some poor sod to serve as designated driver. Or some such. Pity party, mega scale. But i didn't get to do that.
And at first i was pretty aggravated about it.
But it all worked out for the best.
You see, my bff came down for the weekend and stayed with me. As did her husband. And her lovely daughter, my punk rock goth girl.

Oh, how wonderful! She always perks you up, doesn't she?

Yes, she does. She certainly does. On this trip, she had come with some dread of her own: her 'rents wanted to look at houses, as they will be moving in here in a bout a year. Meaning, of course, that she would be moving here in about a year. And going to a new high school. And all that jazz.

Well, you know, you go where the job is, right? Her dad has a new job and it's here, so the family has to be move here, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You weren't uprooted in your teen years, so you really don't know. But i digress.
Your fault.

Again?

You bet! So, let me set the scene: on Friday, i wake up and am feeling pissy because i have company coming to my pity party. I eventually take some of that hostility out on the yard, getting most of the front lawn cut before my battery-powered mower runs out of juice. (I think the mohawk strip perpendicular to my sliver of moon looks cool, so i may start doing that intentionally.) Some of my new girlfriends have invited me to an evening meet-up down by the river, so i go, all the while knowing my bff and family are on their way to town. Remember, i was feeling pissy.

So you've said.

Okay. (Deep breath.) Well, my new girlfriends don't know any in-depth on me. Which means they don't know i have a pity party planned. And you know what happened? The pity party got circumvented right out of existence, at least for that evening. I had a margarita and shared a bucket of boiled shrimp and danced and sang and talked. Then i shared s'mores and danced and sang and talked. That evening, i allowed myself to take a little vacation from the demons in my head. And the reason i could is simple: no one there knew of them, so i didn't have to acknowledge those serpents, either.
By the time my company arrived, the hour was late, i beat them home, and life was doing well. Not great, but manageable.
The next morning, off we go to breakfast, to an old haunt i once visited often. This time, i had something completely different for breakfast and that was good. All seems to be going okay. Then we leave and the girl is glum. Why? The 'rents are driving around and around, looking at houses for rent, houses for sale, houses for the big move here. Here, where the girl will be leaving all her friends.
So i suggest we drive by the arts high school, the high school she'll most likely attend. And we do. And as we drive along the canopied road, with the old brick houses and white-columned porches, she brightens some. As do i.

Good. That's good! The end of the pity party... right?

Not quite. Remember, i had been "looking forward" to my event for a couple of weeks, if "looking forward" can be used here. Actually, i had been in deep dread of it, but held it in the same regard as a mammogram or pap smear: a necessary bit of messiness to be dealt with and done for the greater good. You know? Some warped rite of passage from where i was five years ago to the time now, on my way to the future.
So, we finish Saturday, the day of the damned, doing sunshine events. Down to the river for First Saturday, eyeballing the wares for sale. Ducking into a local joint for drinks (another margarita) and brief shade. Down to the beach for wave-crashing and shell hunting. Dinner at the place where the "elite eat in their bare feet." And the day was done for my guests, but I did a quick change and was out the door for a margarita and karaoke.
"Ain't No Sunshine"
"Just My Imagination"
"I Dig Rock and Roll Music"

Those don't sound like downbeat songs. I would have expected stuff like "Wake Up Call" and "Something In The Air Tonight" and "Before He Cheats." "Every Breath You Take." That type of song, all songs you've done before.

You know, I had, earlier in the week, planned to sing those very songs. But I decided on - the Wednesday? the Thursday? - to do more upbeat songs instead, try to jumpstart my glass-half-full way of thinking. And it really did help. So did talking to Elvis, one of the regulars there. And by the time i returned home, life was better, but not yet normal.
I wakened at five to the realization that i was going to be out of toilet paper and had four people in my house. Off to get it, then back, and back to bed for an hour or two. I sent my bff and her family off to the morning beach and stayed home to mope, getting it out of my system enough to have lunch with them and my first niece at a barbeque joint.
Then my niece went back home and they went to visit his dad. I went to enjoy a quiet time at the stadium with some regulars and my boys of summer. That was relaxing, being outside but in the shade, feeling the breeze kicked up by the huge propellers overhead, drinking in the sounds of summer.
No need to go home afterward, either. A ghost tour had been arranged to entertain and inform the three from northwest of Atlanta. I headed downtown to catch a missed wave for talk and dinner. And there i was, kvetching about five year marks of odious occasions and ill-timed visitors and whatever else that came out of my mouth. And he said to me, you would have rather had the pity party?

Seriously? Those exact words?

No, i paraphrased, but that was the essence of what he said. And i realized how very selfish i had been, to have thought that rolling around in mope would be preferable to spending that time in the company of those who know and love me. And how those particular people knew best how to handle my insanity, when to stay close, when to back off... but not too far. Because the bff not only knows where the bodies are buried, but helped me put them there.
Thanks, gfriend.

talking to the moon

I would sure love to be able to talk to Mama right now. No, wait. I think i would rather talk to Grandmama right now. She would have the better perspective, i think.

About?

About my relationship to the ex. About my new friendship. About life and my head.

You DO realize that maybe your mom would be the better choice? Having been through a divorce and counseling and all that?

Honestly, that's why i first thought of her. But, as was recently pointed out to me, grandmas have a different perspective. Partly, i'm sure, this is due to the extra time invested on this planet, gathering knowledge and experiences. However, and this may be as important, my Grandmama would also have had the luxury of distance from the stage of life that i am in, having passed through that time four decades earlier. Yeah, come to think of it, that amount of time WOULD provide a nice buffer zone.

Really, g'friend, you should try to get out more. Not from your house, but from your head.

No, this is important. I'm trying to process my thoughts and getting them out of my head and into the air is beneficial for me. Leaving them inside just allows them to fester and foment and other terrible f-words. Of course, talking to someone in person is always best, but that is not presently available,
so i have come to the water's edge to toss my thoughts out to sea,
in hopes they will find a rhythm more appealing to me.

You are one strange bird sometimes, but you can have a nice path to follow on occasion. Lead on.

Okay. Here's my latest point of fluster. This morning, i had a long conversation, by phone, with my SAR best friend -

SAR?? Please, do us all a favor and step AWAY from the acronyms! I know you have a fondness for them, with your "wmla" and "bff" and "lifer" and "ykw" -

Excuse me, but "ykw" was not one of mine. That belonged to my mother.

Whatever.

Indeed.

(Sigh.)

Oh, alright. SAR is search and rescue. It's what he does on a volunteer basis, but he goes when called. It's very important to him. I was even fortunate enough, on one of my visits, to attend the annual awards banquet with him and his dear wife. Pretty cool for all of us, and you know how i enjoy pomp and circumstance events!

Yes, i certainly do. So, you were saying...?

I was having this long talk with him, and, somehow the conversation came around to the ex. Oh, wait, i recall now how it went. He had asked if i had heard anything from the ex and i had responded with "oh, yes, he's the one who picked me up at the school when i returned from Italy." I could have sworn there was almost a gasp on the other end of the line.

I can believe that!

Yeah, i know. I've gotten that same reaction from other family members when i've related this story. These are all people who know and love me and don't want me putting my heart out there in harm's way, and anything to do with the ex is still perceived in that regard. But, as i explained to my SAR bf, the encounter with the ex was not a planned event. He happened to be in town for his elder daughter's high school graduation. His call to me, to catch up with each other's lives and talk, coincided with my arrival at the Atlanta airport from Italy. As this particular day would be the only chance to meet, he agreed to pick me up once the bus had returned my group to town. He'd had a late lunch, so we agreed to a late supper at a nearby, and local, burger joint. You recall how opposed he is to eating at nationwide chain restaurants?

Oh, yes I do. That's why you had only been to them sparingly for so many years, but a bit more often lately.

Okay, so that's the scenario.

Wait a minute, here! I thought you already had arranged a ride home from the school?

Yes, i had, with my first niece, but the bus was going to be arriving later than originally planned, so i thought i would let her off the hook.

Uh huh. If that's what you want to tell yourself -

Listen. That's what i DID tell myself. But, also, i felt the need to talk to the ex about the visit to Rome. He and i had shared that experience almost ten years earlier -

Ding ding ding!!! Alarm bells!!!

Yeah, i hear you. And them. And i know those who know and love me hear them, too, any time i speak of the ex. But i'm much better these days, at least about him. Well, mostly, except when certain little things impinge on my memory lately. I do have July sixth coming up, so we'll see if i flat lose my mind then. Actually, i think i will PLAN to lose my mind and just get that five-year "anniversary" over and done. Yeah, that's a good idea. I need to line up a designated driver for that day. Oh, even better, it's a Friday this year, so that will make it perhaps easier to set that up... i wonder if he is also planning something for that day? Probably not, but who knows?

Train of thought derailed, dear. Back on the tracks, please? That way lies madness and the invisible forest, snakes hissing and writhing and lashing out...

You are correct. I don't know how i managed to stray so far off topic, being as one would think i would have fewer opportunities for such in this setting -

Ahem. (Right eyebrow slightly uplifted.) Shall we? Else you will need to finish this later...

Yes, you're so right, let's move along. So. As i was saying, he and i had been to Rome almost ten years ago, on the Mediterranean cruise of our tenth anniversary. Strange to think we would have had our twentieth in October this year... Damn it.
(cleansing breath out of my lungs, my body, my mind)
Anywho, i had thought it would be nice to talk to him about my trip to Rome, maybe do a little comparison and contrast, so to speak. After all, the guide i had for the tour of the Vatican and Sistine Chapel and St. Peter's Basilica was, surprisingly, the SAME ONE he and i had so many years ago! How cool is THAT? And she (Angela Raffaelli) was very good before and even better now and she had even fondly remembered being associated with Splendour of the Seas. And she was touched and thrilled that i remembered HER. Let me tell you, as a teacher, dealing with as many students as i have over the past nineteen or so years, being remembered fondly is a fabulous gift for the spirit!

And did he remember her?

Not so much, surprisingly to me. He tends to recall different details than i do and that is true in this case. He had sharper memories of the guide we had for the Forum and Colosseum, even recalling her name! Once he spoke the name, i remembered her, too, as she had a very unusual name (Flavia), like i do.

Yes, indeed!

And i have really enjoyed the use of my name this past year! My new friend uses it, as did the folks i traveled with on this latest trip abroad. Really nice!
So, as i was saying, the ex and i talked about Rome, past and present, over burgers with panache, and had good conversation. Then, about an hour and a half after picking me up at the school, he deposited me at home, helping me in with my bag.
We hugged goodbye, he gave me a kiss on the cheek, and he left.
End of visit. And i was glad he left, as i did not want him to stay.
I wanted to sleep.

That's good. Right?

Yes, it was. My body regards his as family now, not as a former lover, and THAT is very good.
Very good, indeed.
I can certainly understand how folks who get divorced or separated will sometimes still find theirselves in bed together, as the body has a tendency to lapse back into familiar actions. One thing leads to another, as The Fixx would put it.
But i have been careful to train my body against such tendencies. And i have trained my mind to regard him as family, meaning my First Law now pertains to him.
And that is good.
But a time-marker is approaching and i will still prepare for it accordingly. I intend this to be the LAST time i mark that day of betrayal. Five years is the time span required to be deemed cancer-free, right?
Not that I'm saying the marriage was a cancer or the ex is a cancer. Like i said, he's family now.
But the emotional turmoil associated with divorce, the extreme stress of spirit invoked by the death of a relationship that was to be forever, the physical reeality of being a part of the sadness of the world - those may surely be likened to a cancer, a malevolent presence that will consume your mind, body, and soul if not eradicated.
Five years of rooting out those brittle shards, thinking they were all gone, then getting a fresh cut by an overlooked, still sharp, edge, jutting up from an unexpected area, from a formerly smooth surface.
Enough.
After all, i prefer to think i am anticipating delight these days, don't you?
And, more and more often this year, I am.
And THAT is wonderful!

Yes, it is! (big smile!)

letter home

Dearest Mama,
I had meant to start this earlier today, but certainly didn't, did I? Still, I didn't want the day to end without touching base. It feels like forever that you've been gone, though it's not quite been nine years. That sounds like forever right there.
I wanted to talk to you about last Saturday, in particular, and maybe the whole weekend and the days leading up to it. But last Saturday, in particular. You know, that would have been the 17th anniversary for Jeff and I. And, in keeping with our custom of taking vacation around the anniversary, that's what I'd continued to do. This time, I wanted to do something different. Wanted, hell - I had a NEED to do something out of the routine for this time of year. Instead of running off and waking up somewhere else, I decided to stay here in town. But I also needed to make sure I didn't bolt out of here at the last minute, I needed to be invested in staying put.
I found my answer in the First City Network newsletter: the First Annual LGBT Film Festival. THAT would be different AND it would offer movies and shorts that I would most likely never get to see. Count me in! The tickets went on sale to the public that first Friday in October and I raced from work to the ticket venue to make sure I was able to get my tickets. I finally decided to buy the Festival Pass, as it would be a neat memento AND was the best deal. Good call! I then taped it to my kitchen cabinet to remind myself of this change in my regular fall schedule and waited for the 24th to arrive.
And you know what? Even knowing I had the weekend "booked", I STILL found myself thinking about plans to get outta town for that time frame. Can you believe it?? I know, old habits die hard, and I've had a lot of time invested in that particular habit. Heck, I'd like to think I did pretty well at planning little mini-holidays for this special time in October, especially as time went by. I would like to think Jeff would agree with me on that. (He had a trip out of town last weekend. Old habits die hard, as I said.) So, I figured the best way to keep myself in town was to overcommit my time for the entire weekend. That's exactly what I did, too.
Friday, I got off work, came home and ate, then headed to the Jepson Center for the first two films of the festival. "Boy Meets Boy" was a sweet short that took place in Korea and featured a fairy godmother that admonished her charges to "be careful who they met on the street." Adorably stuck in the '60's, as the culture over there is today. As I said, it was very cute and sweet. Then came the feature, the one I'd been looking forward to: "Fruit Fly", a musical (you recall how I just LOVE musicals!!!) starring a straight Phillipina actress who is in the States to put on her latest show. I just LOVED it!!! Honestly, I do think that would work for a mainstream audience, especially given the popularity of "Slumdog Millionaire" and "Fame". Very upbeat, catchy tunes, too. Then over to Club One for the reception and TWO shows, with one of the festival's guests serving as the intermission talent for both shows. You would have loved the old jazzy songs he had in his repertoire!
The next morning, I got up at weekday time (ugh) so I could make it out to visit Dood for his birthday. I had told him in a couple of letters that I would be coming out there, so that promise to him also locked me into staying in Savannah. Good! He and I had about a forty-minute visit (twice the allowed time!) that went very well and left both of us happy and reassured. Very good!
Then off to the festival's first matinee at 11am! The first was a kicky little all-girl rap video called "U-Haul Rap" and was a humorous take on the baggage, of all kinds, that we bring into new relationships. HAHAHA! The feature film, called "Drool", was a tale of old love gone bad and the healing power of new love. That was pretty good, but more of a dark comedy.
Then I was off! Back to midtown for the 1pm birthday party for my five-year-old "nephew" Aaron. Monkey Joe's is a BRIGHT place!!! I do believe those inflatables in that place glow in the dark! I wish I could have been there for the cake, made by his grandmom, but I had a 2pm matinee to get back to. Hmm, maybe I overbooked myself??
But back to the Little Theatre I flew on that drizzly afternoon, getting there just in time for the festival trailer. Close call! This was the part of the festival that was my favorite: shorts!!! The longest of the eight films was just over 20 minutes and there were TWO music videos, both of them featuring Joshua Kipp, the entertainer from the previous evening at the Club. Yes! Films from Iceland, Ireland, Canada, and even Australia, interspersed with festival winners from the USA. I tell you, Deb did amazingly well at selecting the films for this festival!
The Icelandic film, "Mother Knows Best", is quite entertaining, would work great at a P-FLAG film festival, and has a FINE ending! The Irish film, "James", charts a young man's journey toward adulthood; it was pretty good until the ending. Then again, the film had only 18 minutes to tell its tale, so perhaps I just needed to know a bit more than it offered. The two Canadian films, "Falling For Caroline" and "Tranzploitation", were quite humorous, with the former having several physical comedic touches (because "falling in love brings out the klutz in all of us" - I can SO relate!) and the latter including a hilarious lament about discrimination against trans(gendered) in the chip aisle of grocery stores. What a hoot!
The Australian film, "Evelyn Everyone", was a trip into the world of e-dating for a woman looking for change. The US short, "Kristy", on the other hand, is about a young girl NOT wanting change: her favorite shirt is being worn to tatters and so is her mom's patience. Both good, but I was waiting for the music videos, and at last they came! In "L1fe", pronounced One Life, the singer pledges "in your memory, I'll do the very best I can." Then, in "Tell Me", a jilted lover is trying to urge is estranged partner to say if they're "alive or dead, just tell me." On the surface, it's a classic boy-and-girl soul number, but there are fabulous undertones here! So, there you have it: eight films showcasing straights, gays, lesbians, trans, parents, kids. Something truly for everyone!
Whew! Not done just yet! The final films, which began at 5pm, were "Frequent Traveler", a fun Portuguese tale of a guy just craving touch and willing to go to extreme measures to attain his goal. The showcased feature film, "Watercolors", was a tale of first love and was a brilliantly told story. The only downside? Well, it was the night of October 24th and I was going home alone. I cried and ate sushi and felt better... but i sure wish I could have called you so you could tell me everything would be alright.
One last note about the LGBT Film Festival. I do wish someone had invited Robert Redford (in town, filming a movie about Abraham Lincoln) and Ron Howard (in town for the upcoming Savannah Film Festival) to attend these showings. For all I know, maybe the two gentlemen were invited and couldn't fit it into their schedules. These films should be playing to a much larger, and more diverse, audience than that held by the tiny Little Theatre space. Truly.
Well... (YAAAWWWNNN) I better get my silly self to bed. It's 2:16am on a Thursday morning and I have to get up at 7!
with much love forever!

anniverary

Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of the loss of my fifteen-year marriage. Rough day. I truly could have been happier freezing on the beach rather than being in a quasi-warm house, but I was so wrapped up in my pity party that the thought of going to my refuge didn't occur to me. Not that I stayed home all day. Oh, no, I did, indeed, venture out not once, but thrice yesterday.

I first went to the church I have been attending since April of 2004. Getting ready for church is when I first noticed the day's date: December 21. Last year, it was a Friday, so I wasn't truly prepared for it this year. I was running late, so I didn't dwell on the significance of the date, just wrote the check, grabbed the gifts for the designated Christmas charity, and sped off to church. I arrived just as the minister was beginning his sermon, so I gave the bags of gifts to the church rover and hurried in to find a seat. While listening to the sermon, I decided to step out after the offering, as I had several errands to run before a holiday open house that afternoon. And so I did, leaving and riding out to the cemetery (my Mama's grave). The weather had chilled greatly, so, instead of going to the grocery store (a task already put off all the previous week), I returned home and had a bowl of soup, then set about wrapping more presents for the family gathering to be held on Christmas Eve. Still okay, mostly.

My second outing was to my Weight Watchers meeting... and that's where things went seriously awry. The scale put me at +10.2 pounds. I was prepared for a gain, as I've been badly constipated for the past five days (same as last year AT THIS SAME TIME, as if my body was rerunning a particularly bad program for me). Even knowing that most of that weight would soon be flushed from my body did nothing to soothe me. Rattled, I went in to the meeting room and sat down, late again. The meeting was about food and emotion, of all things. I started to cry and just couldn't stop. Could NOT stop. Wanted to, but could not. So I excused myself and went out to my car, letting all the frustration rush out of me, so I could regain control and get back home. Total disaster.

My counselor last year had said that when feelings of grief wash over me, I should let the flood occur, just go ahead and get it out of my system. Keeping all that torrential energy pent up would be a danger to my health. What truth is in that simple advice.

And, following that prescription enabled me to have a good time at my third outing of the day: the church Christmas party. Of course, it helped that I was amongst folks I knew, all with hugs of greeting, most oblivious to the meaning the day held for me. What a relief to be able to be with people who did NOT know me so well, who did NOT ask me how the day had treated me. Sometimes, acquaintances can be more reassuring than friends, allowing you to be experiencing just another day, much like any other day.

Breathe, dear one, just breathe.