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Puns in the mroning, puns in the evening, puns for late night snacking!


Knock, knock!
Who's there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.

What do you say when you're comforting a grammar nazi?
There, their, they're...

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they alwasy take things literally.

Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Batman!

What is a physicist's favorite food?
Fission chips.

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What's another name for Santa's elves?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call two crows on a branch?
Attempted murder.

Your mother is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, "Name two pronouns."
I said, "Who, me?"

There's a band called 1032MB.
They haven't had any Gigs yet.

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.

The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.

Two kittens are on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right.
The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.
It's Einstein's turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides.
Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.
He sees Newton immediately and says, "Newton! I found you! You're It!"
Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

A mathematician and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.
They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.
The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician said, "This is pointless!" and stormed off.
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out, "Don't you see you'll never actually reach her?"
To which the engineer replied, "So what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently, "So, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician replies, "Yes."

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The waitress says, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

how can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here."
The Higgs Boson then replies, "But without me, how could you have mass?"

The programmer's wife tells him, "Run down to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.

Bonds: not just for molecules.

thirsty thursday

Weird science,
in the form of
puns and jokes,
sitting at a bar and
getting chummy.

Just ask my ex,
he will agree!

Here we go now,
as Ozzy would say.


Pavlov is sitting at a pub, enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up, saying "Oh, no! I forgot to feed the dog!"


A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
He doesn't react.

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

What do you get when you put root beer into a square glass?
Beer.

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke. but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we are inside the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny! You're just telling it wrong!"

Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please!"

C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry, no minors."

The Past, the Prest, and the Future walked into a bar.
It was tense.

Three logicians walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first one says, "I don;t know."
The second one says, "I don't know."
The third one says, "Yes!"

Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks if he wants a drink.
"I think not," Descartes says.
And then he disappears.

water hazards and golf

The joke:
God, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf one day.
Things are going well until they get to the hole with the water hazard blocking the green.
How to best proceed?
Moses is first to tee off. Before he strikes the ball, though, he stands tall, back straight, arms at his sides. Then, slowly, he raises his arms and moves them far apart. As he does this, the water parts down the middle, roiling and rolling, but leaving a clear, dry path straight to the green. Moses then takes his shot, easily landing the ball within an easy putt to the hole.
God and Jesus give polite golf claps to acknowledge his skill.
Then Jesus steps up for his turn. The ball lands squarely in the water. No worries! He walked over and onto the water, then took a second swing. The ball sailed out of the drink and up to the green, landing mere inches from the hole.
Nicely played, the others agreed.
God then approached the tee for his turn. As his ball is sailing toward the hole, it lands in the water, too. But not for long! A catfish swims to the surface and spits the ball into the air! Then a hawk swoops down and catches the ball, carrying it over the green and dropping it - but just short of the hole. Then a mole burrows up from under the ball, tilting it and causing it to roll right in for a hole in one!!!
Moses and Jesus just stood there and looked at the green and their two balls perched upon it.
Then they looked at God.
"Dad," Jesus said, "it's just a game!"

* * * * *

I have a problem with this joke.
You know, similar to the problem I had with the joke about the physics of hell.
On the surface or to someone uninformed, the above is funny.
However, the receiver of the joke is being asked to believe that Moses, by his own power, was able to control the movement of water.
Moses did not part the sea on his own, folks. Right?
Moses was just a man. He was only able to perform that feat because he was acting as the vessel for God's power.
God parted the sea.
The receiver of the joke is also asked to believe that Jesus had the power to bypass gravity and density in order to walk on water.
Jesus was not able to perform that feat on his own, folks. Right.
Jesus was just a man. He was able to walk on water because God circumvented physical laws and enabled his doing so.
God was there, holding Jesus up.
If that was all true in the ancient world, then it would certainly still hold water on a modern golf course.
Right?
Any incredible acts performed by either Moses or Jesus would be by the grace of God.
I really think I'm right on this one.
Please, do feel free to comment, though.

twice in a single summer!

To tell you the truth, I was trying to hold off until the weekend.
You see, at Dragon*Con, LifeSouth will give me a really cool T-shirt for donating blood and participating in the Robert A. Heinlein "Pay It Forward" blood drive.
Outstanding reason to donate! Right?
Then again, the American Red Cross will give me a really cool T-shirt at the end of the year, as they have for several years now.
Why?
I'm a VIP LifeSaver, Silver Level, which means I have pledged to donate whole blood at least three times per year.
This was my second donation this year. I had a fairly late start, as I was a bit under the weather in January and February. Then, when I showed up in early March to donate, I was hijacked by the folks in the plasmapheresis department. I did donate that day, but it was plasma, so that did not count toward my annual obligation.
Time progressed. I kept dodging the calls asking me to come back and donate again. I always had a ready excuse for why I could not make it there.
To donate plasma.
Finally, I worked up the nerve. No more Ms. Nice Girl! I explained how I had felt that one time I had been hooked up to the plasmapheresis machine and how exhausted I had been afterward. I explained that I actually enjoy giving whole blood and would prefer to only donate whole blood in the future.
By this time, a couple of months had passed.
My birthday arrived.
I always liked to give blood around the time of my birthday. Not only does my special day coincide with Memorial Day weekend, but I like to give back for all I have received.
Eventually, almost a month later and after two ill-timed visits to the donation center, I succeeded in my quest to give whole blood.
Woohoo!
My first VIP LifeSaver donation was completed!
Now, today, I donated the second pint toward that contract.
Only one more pint to go and I have plenty of time to do so. Every 56 days, I can donate whole blood. If I really try, I can make two donations before year's end.
Maybe LifeSouth will give me a T-shirt anyway this weekend...
Hey! A girl can dream!!!

five-day shirt

Hooray for laundry day!
This shirt is again clean and ready to wear!
I don't know if I'll wear it for five days again... but I might.
One of the benefits of living single is being able to wear the same clothes over and over and no one complains.
Well, as long as they smell okay.
I wore this shirt for five days, even with the weather being typical of Southern summers, and not one person ever noticed a smell of sweat or funk. Nice, right?
I wore it to birthday parties and to the bfe's house for dinner. I wore it to movies in Savannah and movies in Pooler. I wore it to "Chicago" as well as the 48-Hour Film Project.
I even wore it to Fall Convocation.
It really helped that I didn't wear it around any of the same people from one day to the next. Folks assume everyone has a washer and dryer at home, so even if they saw me twice during the five days, they most likely would have thought I had washed it in between those viewings.
How did I keep it nice and fresh in this heat?
I go around the house topless until it's time to go somewhere. Then, everywhere I went, there was air conditioning, so the shirt stayed nice. As soon as I got home, off it went!
I know, you're probably thinking "too much information"!
I'm just stating an observation I have made during my life AD.

I should also mention that I call this my "yes, I'm a wench" top. It's rather flattering for a big-busted gal like myself, if you catch my drift.
So, maybe, just maybe, it's the exposed cleavage that distracts folks from any possible funky smells.
(smile)

all of me, body and soul

The alliteration
certainly was
a drawing factor,
but I came
to hear
Lady Day sing the blues.

I hadn't realized
I would be transported
to a speakeasy
when I stepped through the church doors.
All that was needed
to make the transition complete
would have been
the clinking of glasses
and the billows
of cigar and cigarette smoke.

A little time travel is to be expected at a church built in 1848. The old-fashioned microphone stand contributed to the illusion, as did the onstage quartet accompanying the singer. Such a fabulous singer she was, too, capturing the heart and the ache of the songs written by, and for, the incredible Billie Holiday.
The Southern Holiday Jazz Band was formed by songstress Jane Ogle for the express purpose of performing Lady Day's songs. But that's not all there is to the show. The audience is treated to the story of Billie Holiday, warts and all, with her songs enhancing that tale and bringing the woman back to life before our eyes and ears.
If you get the opportunity, definitely go.
It'll be one of the best shows you'll ever see.

if i only had the nerve

Oh

my

sweet

God!!!

Is that not delicious???

The man from PA (no, not the same as "The Man From U.N.C.L.E."), had posted the picture on his fb page.
I immediately stole it!
I am quite taken with the haircut.
What an awesome way to have a pet! Though, of course, if the furry beast was on my head, it would certainly be multi-hued, with silver shining throughout.
That said, I might opt to not have a real type of creature as a head-pet.
No, I just might have to choose some type of monster.
You know... like Sulley.

I already have such a keen attraction to him and very nearly had him in my life a few years ago.
(smile)

My thanks to one of my favorite films, "The Wizard of Oz", for today's title. Specifically, my thanks to Bert Lahr's completely cuddly Cowardly Lion.