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Puns in the mroning, puns in the evening, puns for late night snacking!


Knock, knock!
Who's there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.

What do you say when you're comforting a grammar nazi?
There, their, they're...

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they alwasy take things literally.

Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Batman!

What is a physicist's favorite food?
Fission chips.

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What's another name for Santa's elves?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call two crows on a branch?
Attempted murder.

Your mother is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, "Name two pronouns."
I said, "Who, me?"

There's a band called 1032MB.
They haven't had any Gigs yet.

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.

The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.

Two kittens are on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right.
The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.
It's Einstein's turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides.
Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.
He sees Newton immediately and says, "Newton! I found you! You're It!"
Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

A mathematician and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.
They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.
The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician said, "This is pointless!" and stormed off.
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out, "Don't you see you'll never actually reach her?"
To which the engineer replied, "So what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently, "So, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician replies, "Yes."

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The waitress says, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

how can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here."
The Higgs Boson then replies, "But without me, how could you have mass?"

The programmer's wife tells him, "Run down to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.

Bonds: not just for molecules.