His cousin's death has hit him the hardest of any of the others (his mom, our friend Jim Adams, our friend Sam Johnson, my stepbrother, and David's sweetheart) over the past decade.
I'm sure that is due to time and circumstances being different now. After all, he will be 49 years old next month.
He grew up in a small family.
He was raised as an only child by his divorced mom. She eventually had remarried, for a few years, adding two stepsisters to his life. He didn't know them well, as they were a bit older than him.
His dad went on to remarry and have several children, but my ex never knew them, never even knew of their existence until I had tracked down his dad almost ten years ago. (That was after my ex - still husband at the time - had the first two stents placed into his heart. I had wanted to get a more complete medical picture.)
I think his dad had two sisters, maybe three. I don't recall any brothers. At any rate, the ex did not grow up with them in his life, nor any children they may have had.
His mom only had one living sister. Through her, the ex grew up with two male cousins and one female cousin. Those were the only cousins he ever knew.
As I said, he had a small family.
I don't know if that increased the perceived impact of each death. I don't think so, but I don't know. Perhaps some studies have been done on the subject?
But he and David were close and had grown closer over the past six years. When the ex would come to Georgia to visit his elder daughter, he would also swing up to Tennessee on his return trip and spend some time with his cousin. It allowed him some time with family, with people who knew and loved him.
The other cousins and his aunt live in Minnesota and Virginia. Not exactly "on his way" for his travels from Michigan southward.
The loss of David is a huge hole in his heart.
The ex and I have remained close, as I've mentioned a time or two. That's a good thing for both of us. After all, we are still family, we still know and love each other.
So, the following are transcriptions of our conversations since Monday evening.
No, wait.
I'll include the one from last Thursday, too, when I'd lunched with his aunt and uncle here in town.
Thursday, Nov 7, 2013
(About 3:30 PM, after sending him two pictures taken during the lunch with his Aunt and Uncle.)
me: At Huey's on River Street.
ex: I didn't realize they were in Savannah!
me: Are in Hilton Head. Got there on Monday. We had a very nice lunch!
ex: I'm guessing they needed a break after Tennessee.
me: Yes. Very sad about David. {Auntie} Arlene is exhausted.
me: We talked very briefly about David and Chris {David's son}. Then we dropped the topic. Did you know that David was going to have to move out of the house?
me: I can understand why he may have felt there was no other option for him. Very sad.
ex: I didn't know that. Was that what the fight between him and Gwen's family was about?
me: Yes. There may have been other issues that I don't know. Arlene made it seem to have been a longer running thing. Could have just been since Gwen got cancer.
me: The question of what to do with the house would have been raised then.
me: The house was Gwen's and the land had been her mom's. Her mom wanted it back and wanted David out. Arlene was there cleaning it out for the bank to take it.
ex: What a mess. I've been saying that if something was enough to break even the devil-may-care David down, who are we to say that it wouldn't have done the same to us...
me: You are absolutely right. But you have to remember he was a sentimental man. The timing was all too hard.
me: David had arranged for a friend to come over at a specific time. Instead Chris came there unexpectedly and found him. Very sad.
ex: I'm betting I know which friend. They told me about him while I was there.
me: Arlene mentioned his name but I don't recall. She said David had evidently given it all some thought and wanted to not have family find him.
me: Instead Chris came home and found him. Then he ran down the street to the bank where Stephanie {David's daughter} was working and said "I think Dad has hurt himself."
ex: Already in shock. He couldn't bring himself to say what ultimately had happened. The best laid plans.
me: I know. One never knows what will happen. Neither of the kids wanted to go into the house so Arlene took care of cleaning it out.
me: Stephanie and Daniel had her over for dinner every night.
ex: I'm sure they did. Daniel's a nice guy.
me: That's what Auntie said. She really likes him.
ex: Even Goldie, the rescue dog they had, knew something bad was going on. She came and sat next to me on the couch straight away. Years of visits and I couldn't get her to do that.
me: Jeff I am so very sorry about David. I always liked him and I know he meant a lot to you.
ex: Thank you honey.
That was one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had. Oddly, texting the news instead of speaking it somehow made it more real, more solid. The power of the printed word, perhaps.
Now on to this week's word exchanges.
Monday, 11 Nov 2013
(The ex had contacted me earlier, texting about Earl Grey tea and tomato soup, then I had to go to work. This is the resumption of the talk, about 9 PM.)
me: Okay all done with lab. Yeah!
ex: We had our first snow today. As you may guess, I'm not very happy.
ex: it was 41 this morning and the temperature slowly dropped all day. We bottom out at 26 tonight.
me: Much
me: Ouch
me: Damn phone.
me: Has been very cold at night here too. Will be in thirties on Wednesday.
ex: Hot tea and extra blankets tonight.
me: Yeah me too. At least you are not living in a tent in the woods. That is what Ronnie is doing.
me: My heat is not working so I have a space heater in the living room. Blocked off the sunroom and guest room so that helped. I hope next week is warm.
me: I am glad that I have a heated mattress pad. Could not live without it.
ex: He's still doing that?
me: Oh yeah. No rules but his.
ex: I have no idea what to say to that. But you're right.
me: I know. I called him today to check in and he complained about the cold but didn't say he needed anything. So I didn't offer.
ex: I think that was the correct card to play.
me: I knew it was. If I offer but he didn't ask then he regards it as free.
Tuesday, 12 Nov 2013
(The next morning, the conversation resumed about 8:30 AM and went for an hour.)
ex: I didn't see that your heat wasn't working because I was still incredulous over your running comment. How have you blocked off the sunroom since it's open space? Is John not there, that you were able to block off the guest room?
me: Joe (the peace Guy) moved to Atlanta in early August. As for the sunroom, I hung a sheet between it and the kitchen. Seems to work well.
ex: If it works, it works. By the way, your low last night will be our high today.
me: That sucks. Our high tomorrow is in the fifties. That really sucks.
ex: Here, that would be pleasant. Hell, more than pleasant. Unseasonably warm.
me: And THAT is why I don't ever want to live at that latitude.
ex: I'm sure my blood is getting thicker. I just won't ever get it used to the idea.
me: That makes it a matter over mind thing. Lol.
ex: Lottery hasn't been any kinder to me in Michigan that it was in Georgia. At least I'm no longer throwing away hundreds of dollars at a time (casino).
me: I keep trying with Publishers Clearing House. No luck so far. :)
ex: Oh how priorities change. I used to want to make great spots. Now I just walk on eggshells, capitulating to every whim (however stupid) of the sales people, just so I can crawl to my 5 year mark. The last time I had three weeks vacation per year, I was in the service.
me: Five year mark?
ex: The dream is in sight. Rather than take a week at a time, I'll just dot the calendar with the three- and four-day weekends all year.
me: Nice. That tends to be what I do.
ex: Yes, I've been at MacDonald Broadcasting for 3 years now. September.
ex: And why not? There are so many things to see and do in Michigan and the Great Lakes region. Grand Rapids. Toledo. Indianapolis. Chicago. Cinci. Cleveland. And now that Bob's in Des Moines, I foresee a long drunk weekend in the immediate future.
me: Not what I meant. Do you get tenure or something at five years?
ex: I don't think it's thought of as a tenure thing in our business; it's more just a perk and thank you for helping keep the company stable.
ex: It's never been something I thought of because I never came close to five years at a radio station before.
me: So what do you get at five years? Just more vacation?
ex: Probably. It would be nice if I got a raise. Honestly, though, I make enough. I'd rather have more time than more money. Very soon D {his younger daughter} turns 18 and that will be an extra knot in my pocket every month.
ex: Although my BlueCross just jumped up...so not as big a knot as I had hoped.
me: Yeah that will be February. You won't need to pay for medical insurance on her either.
ex: Au contraire! Obamacare will make me carry her until age 26. And I want to. She's going to need every bit of help she can get...and that help will be expensive.
me: Heard. Good of you to take care of her like that.
ex: That's another reason I keep my head down, keep my mouth shut and do my work.
me: You keep trying. That is good.
ex: I'm trying to straighten things out. The boulder is at the bottom of the hill every day.
me: Think of those hills as in succession, not the SAME hill.
ex: I could have it worse. I could be living in a tent, freezing my ass off in a sleeping bag. And not by choice.
me: He has been like this for years now. He counts on the holiday spirit to make folks more generous toward him. It is very tiring.
ex: How serendipitous that the holidays come at a time when the weather turns bad and someone like him needs help the most.
me: Thanks! Sam does that at her house to block off the upstairs. She only heats the downstairs. Has heated mattress pads on all beds.
me: As for Ronnie, yes. He may not believe in Christmas but he knows the rest of us do.
ex: I didn't word that well. I didn't mean to imply that he works that happenstance...even though, deep down, we know he does.
me: Oh yes. He most certainly does. He times it on purpose. He gets tired of working and this is his way of getting others to take care of him.
me: I have confronted him about it and he doesn't deny it.
me: I pay for him to have a phone every month. Just as I have ever since his TIA. That way he can call for help if he needs it.
ex: Well, I admire the fact that he admits it. That means he's true to his belief. However, it's not very smart. Knowing he's an unrepentant freeloader gives me all the reason I need to not enable him.
me: Smitty is of that mind. Throws him some work from time to time but gives him nothing.
Wednesday, 13 Nov 2013
(Out of the blue, after 10 PM.)
ex: The picture of David and Gwen...where is that from, again?
ex: ...and when?
me: 5 July, 2009, at Nags Head. It was the K&k family reunion.
ex: I'm kicking myself for not having gotten photos with them in 2010, when they visited Mary and me in Birmingham. We were at this cute little place caleed the Bottle Tree Cafe but the lighting indoors was too low for pictures.
me: Didn't you send me a photo of that place? By email. I may still have it.
ex: I still have all the photos I took of the decor and the sign with the actual sculpture. Not one of me or my family.
me: Auntie said they took video at the reunion in Minnesota this summer.
ex: Yeah, they talked about that last month.
me: Maybe they will post it online.
ex: I'm taking old photos on my phone and cataloguing them on the computer.
ex: I don't know how much more I can take this.
me: Pardon? Want to talk?
ex: It's alright, but thank you...it's late. I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed.
me: Love you, Jeff. I am here if you want to talk.
ex: Thank you. I love you too.
me: I took a lot of photos. Will send you the links. I even have a few from that trip to Virginia Beach. That was definitely a fun day.
ex: That trip where we were putting out so much radiation that we could bake a potato in our hands?
me: Yes that's the one!
ex: F&k. It hurt to sit it hurt to stand it hurt to move...It hurt to BE.
me: :-)
me: Just sent the link for the VA Beach pics.
me: Be sure to wear your sunglasses!
ex: I didn't mention that last Thursday, Living Colour was in Flint on a tour celebrating the 25th anniversary of their first album. They played it in its entirety.
me: TOTALLY awesome!
Then, on that up-note, we signed off. I bounced over to facebook, to raid my albums there for signs of life.
I found them.
I had five albums with David in them.
I sat there and cried, remembering how much fun he was to be around, feeling the void in the world.
Very sad.
I sent links to the albums to the ex, to the cousins, to the daughter.
And I went to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment