talking to the moon

I would sure love to be able to talk to Mama right now. No, wait. I think i would rather talk to Grandmama right now. She would have the better perspective, i think.

About?

About my relationship to the ex. About my new friendship. About life and my head.

You DO realize that maybe your mom would be the better choice? Having been through a divorce and counseling and all that?

Honestly, that's why i first thought of her. But, as was recently pointed out to me, grandmas have a different perspective. Partly, i'm sure, this is due to the extra time invested on this planet, gathering knowledge and experiences. However, and this may be as important, my Grandmama would also have had the luxury of distance from the stage of life that i am in, having passed through that time four decades earlier. Yeah, come to think of it, that amount of time WOULD provide a nice buffer zone.

Really, g'friend, you should try to get out more. Not from your house, but from your head.

No, this is important. I'm trying to process my thoughts and getting them out of my head and into the air is beneficial for me. Leaving them inside just allows them to fester and foment and other terrible f-words. Of course, talking to someone in person is always best, but that is not presently available,
so i have come to the water's edge to toss my thoughts out to sea,
in hopes they will find a rhythm more appealing to me.

You are one strange bird sometimes, but you can have a nice path to follow on occasion. Lead on.

Okay. Here's my latest point of fluster. This morning, i had a long conversation, by phone, with my SAR best friend -

SAR?? Please, do us all a favor and step AWAY from the acronyms! I know you have a fondness for them, with your "wmla" and "bff" and "lifer" and "ykw" -

Excuse me, but "ykw" was not one of mine. That belonged to my mother.

Whatever.

Indeed.

(Sigh.)

Oh, alright. SAR is search and rescue. It's what he does on a volunteer basis, but he goes when called. It's very important to him. I was even fortunate enough, on one of my visits, to attend the annual awards banquet with him and his dear wife. Pretty cool for all of us, and you know how i enjoy pomp and circumstance events!

Yes, i certainly do. So, you were saying...?

I was having this long talk with him, and, somehow the conversation came around to the ex. Oh, wait, i recall now how it went. He had asked if i had heard anything from the ex and i had responded with "oh, yes, he's the one who picked me up at the school when i returned from Italy." I could have sworn there was almost a gasp on the other end of the line.

I can believe that!

Yeah, i know. I've gotten that same reaction from other family members when i've related this story. These are all people who know and love me and don't want me putting my heart out there in harm's way, and anything to do with the ex is still perceived in that regard. But, as i explained to my SAR bf, the encounter with the ex was not a planned event. He happened to be in town for his elder daughter's high school graduation. His call to me, to catch up with each other's lives and talk, coincided with my arrival at the Atlanta airport from Italy. As this particular day would be the only chance to meet, he agreed to pick me up once the bus had returned my group to town. He'd had a late lunch, so we agreed to a late supper at a nearby, and local, burger joint. You recall how opposed he is to eating at nationwide chain restaurants?

Oh, yes I do. That's why you had only been to them sparingly for so many years, but a bit more often lately.

Okay, so that's the scenario.

Wait a minute, here! I thought you already had arranged a ride home from the school?

Yes, i had, with my first niece, but the bus was going to be arriving later than originally planned, so i thought i would let her off the hook.

Uh huh. If that's what you want to tell yourself -

Listen. That's what i DID tell myself. But, also, i felt the need to talk to the ex about the visit to Rome. He and i had shared that experience almost ten years earlier -

Ding ding ding!!! Alarm bells!!!

Yeah, i hear you. And them. And i know those who know and love me hear them, too, any time i speak of the ex. But i'm much better these days, at least about him. Well, mostly, except when certain little things impinge on my memory lately. I do have July sixth coming up, so we'll see if i flat lose my mind then. Actually, i think i will PLAN to lose my mind and just get that five-year "anniversary" over and done. Yeah, that's a good idea. I need to line up a designated driver for that day. Oh, even better, it's a Friday this year, so that will make it perhaps easier to set that up... i wonder if he is also planning something for that day? Probably not, but who knows?

Train of thought derailed, dear. Back on the tracks, please? That way lies madness and the invisible forest, snakes hissing and writhing and lashing out...

You are correct. I don't know how i managed to stray so far off topic, being as one would think i would have fewer opportunities for such in this setting -

Ahem. (Right eyebrow slightly uplifted.) Shall we? Else you will need to finish this later...

Yes, you're so right, let's move along. So. As i was saying, he and i had been to Rome almost ten years ago, on the Mediterranean cruise of our tenth anniversary. Strange to think we would have had our twentieth in October this year... Damn it.
(cleansing breath out of my lungs, my body, my mind)
Anywho, i had thought it would be nice to talk to him about my trip to Rome, maybe do a little comparison and contrast, so to speak. After all, the guide i had for the tour of the Vatican and Sistine Chapel and St. Peter's Basilica was, surprisingly, the SAME ONE he and i had so many years ago! How cool is THAT? And she (Angela Raffaelli) was very good before and even better now and she had even fondly remembered being associated with Splendour of the Seas. And she was touched and thrilled that i remembered HER. Let me tell you, as a teacher, dealing with as many students as i have over the past nineteen or so years, being remembered fondly is a fabulous gift for the spirit!

And did he remember her?

Not so much, surprisingly to me. He tends to recall different details than i do and that is true in this case. He had sharper memories of the guide we had for the Forum and Colosseum, even recalling her name! Once he spoke the name, i remembered her, too, as she had a very unusual name (Flavia), like i do.

Yes, indeed!

And i have really enjoyed the use of my name this past year! My new friend uses it, as did the folks i traveled with on this latest trip abroad. Really nice!
So, as i was saying, the ex and i talked about Rome, past and present, over burgers with panache, and had good conversation. Then, about an hour and a half after picking me up at the school, he deposited me at home, helping me in with my bag.
We hugged goodbye, he gave me a kiss on the cheek, and he left.
End of visit. And i was glad he left, as i did not want him to stay.
I wanted to sleep.

That's good. Right?

Yes, it was. My body regards his as family now, not as a former lover, and THAT is very good.
Very good, indeed.
I can certainly understand how folks who get divorced or separated will sometimes still find theirselves in bed together, as the body has a tendency to lapse back into familiar actions. One thing leads to another, as The Fixx would put it.
But i have been careful to train my body against such tendencies. And i have trained my mind to regard him as family, meaning my First Law now pertains to him.
And that is good.
But a time-marker is approaching and i will still prepare for it accordingly. I intend this to be the LAST time i mark that day of betrayal. Five years is the time span required to be deemed cancer-free, right?
Not that I'm saying the marriage was a cancer or the ex is a cancer. Like i said, he's family now.
But the emotional turmoil associated with divorce, the extreme stress of spirit invoked by the death of a relationship that was to be forever, the physical reeality of being a part of the sadness of the world - those may surely be likened to a cancer, a malevolent presence that will consume your mind, body, and soul if not eradicated.
Five years of rooting out those brittle shards, thinking they were all gone, then getting a fresh cut by an overlooked, still sharp, edge, jutting up from an unexpected area, from a formerly smooth surface.
Enough.
After all, i prefer to think i am anticipating delight these days, don't you?
And, more and more often this year, I am.
And THAT is wonderful!

Yes, it is! (big smile!)