touch

I almost went barhopping last night, but realized that what I wanted I wouldn't really find. I wanted touch. That's all. Not sex, not wild thrusting, not a casual hook-up with a nameless face. I just wanted to have someone hold me through the night. But how do you ask for that and not have the person think they're gonna get some action?

I do understand that part of the reason folks go to bars is to get laid. Of course, if you have to get drunk to be able to get laid, then you're doing it wrong. And if you have to get someone else drunk in order to get laid, then you're doing it incredibly wrong. But getting drunk gives a person an out: oh, I would NEVER have done that if I wasn't drunk. Lemme tell you, you do the same things when drunk that your head thinks about when sober, but the alcohol just helps you give yourself permission to do something you know isn't good for you. Been there, got the T-shirt many years ago when I was young and could write it off as experience gained and lessons learned.

But this week has been hard on me and I was wanting companionship last night. So, off I went, to hang out with others and have a drink or two, sing a song or two. And, amazingly, I did have a good time and I did make connections with folks. Some of the other regulars there chatted with me, some new folks really liked my singing (go figure), and I even got to dance a nice slow one. That was a bonus and a big help - kudos to Ken for his kindness. But at the end of the night, I still felt I needed something more and very nearly went in search of it. Instead, I took my silly self home and turned on the mattress pad. Thank God my bestest best friend turned me on to that night-time aid in fall of 2007. Cold beds can chill the heart and the mind.

I know I'm not wired right. This is a topic that comes up repeatedly. I know I don't go for the usual girl songs when I sing, I know I don't go for the usual karaoke songs that anyone sings. That's okay: I sing the songs I choose because I want to hear them, even though I may not get them quite right. I don't know of a single radio station that plays songs by only women or only men, so why should my song list be artificially limited when my ears are not?

I know I'm not wired right. It bears repeating. I know I don't care for the usual girl stuff, like roses and diamonds and Valentine's day forced displays of love. I have never cared for those things: ask anyone who knows me. It probably has a lot to do with being a 1976 high school graduate, believing the sky was the limit and women had the same opportunities as men. It probably had a lot to do with being the only girl in a house full of boys. That doesn't mean that I can't be girly, that I don't want romance; romance is actually very important to a hopeful romantic like me. I just don't want THINGS that a commercial society pushes men to buy for women as expressions of love, THINGS that a woman is supposed to want in order to feel loved. What nonsense.

I know I'm not wired right. I want touch.