Sometimes, I need to reboot my consciousness.
After Mama died in 2001, I realized that I had been living my life with her at its center.
All I did, all I experienced, was with an eye toward sharing that aspect of my life with her, to make it real.
I had no idea that she was as much my heart as I was hers.
After she died, I was a zombie for a while, walking through the motions of my life, but rarely truly present.
My sincere apologies to my husband of those years for the many times when I was lost in grief.
My heartfelt thanks to him for the many special moments he gave me during those years.
I discovered that repeating things in the present which I had done, and shared with her in the past, allowed me to regain part of myself.
I made that discovery by a fortuitous event.
My dear friend Sue (the OriWhiGirl) was returning to Okinawa with her two small children and needed assistance for the flight back to her home. Her husband unexpectedly had to return there earlier, due to work requirements. She had asked her family for help, but there had been no takers.
Then she recalled how much I had enjoyed my time while stationed there. Would I consider making the trip with her? They would gladly cover the cost of my plane fare there and back.
All I needed to do was be there to help her with the children.
And so, I had gone with pregnant Sue and toddler Max and almost-toddler Steven.
Whilst there on The Rock, as I had known it, they took me to some of my old haunts. Hanza's elephant cage on the hill. The barracks, NCO club, and theater at Torii Station. Azul, the restaurant I had frequented. Kadena Circle. Okinawa Churaumi Aquarium and the Ocean Expo Park.
What an experience that had been! To go and experience those places again for just myself.
To not be trying to document the experiences for my mother to share with me, vicariously.
That was when I realized that I had just rebooted part of my psyche.
I had visited a place and time from my history and brought it into my present.
That was the summer of 2004.
After that experience, I set about making some other changes in my life.
After Mama's death, chocolate had completely lost its allure for me.
The love of that substance had been something she and I had so enjoyed together.
Chocolate became nearly tasteless, not signaling any pleasure sensors.
After the trip to Okinawa, and the realization of my new dawn, I discovered that custards were my new special treat.
Flans, egg custard pies, creme brulees, coconut custard, lemon custard - all of it!
In the next few years, I also discovered the joys of dark chocolate. Milk chocolate and white chocolate were still blah substances to my taste buds, but the dark chocolate - yeah, baby!
After my divorce in late 2007, I had to find myself again, as a newly-single woman after fifteen years of marriage.
The universe provided me with an opportunity to relive a particularly special time from that period.
One of the best vacations I had while married was to Italy, on an eight-day cruise. That had been my first trip to Rome and was a truly eye-opening experience.
That was when I had discovered how the name "Faustina" had come to exist for my mother (and later, for me). I realized that Grandpa had been the driving influence, with his love of Greek and Roman history.
How did I come to know that?
Jeff and I had been tromping around in the Forum, on our visit to Rome. I had wanted to do that since I was a girl, reading about Roman mythology. So, there we were, tromping around, and he spotted my name.
Carved into the marble mantel above six columns.
It was the Temple of Faustina, built in 141 AD.
Later, it had been renamed The Temple of Antoninus and Faustina, in honor of both her and her husband, Antoninus, Emperor of Rome. They had been very much in love, even after twenty years of marriage and four children. After her untimely death, he had her deified and built the temple, in the heart of Rome, to honor her.
(He also had her image, with her pearl-entwined hair piled high on her head, commemorated on the coins in use, way back then. So many of the commemorative coins were made, in different metals, too, that they are easily available today.)
So what had the universe done to help me regain my sense of self?
In 2012, my third year of teaching full-time, found me flush with funds when an opening arose in the upcoming Study Abroad trip, with nursing students, to Italy.
With three days to be spent in Rome.
Again, I was able to tromp around in the Forum.
Again, I was able to gaze upward at my name, carved into marble, withstanding the tests of more than two centuries of a changing world.
I was even able to share that experience with my ex, to better put it into perspective.
Such an amazing opportunity! Such an amazing experience!
And here we are now.
Ever since the wreck in August, I have been not quite myself. My car was nearly totaled. Although I came away with little physical damage to myself, my spirit suffered incredible bruising.
My friends and family came right to my emotional rescue, keeping me afloat in my sea of sadness, especially needed in that first week or so.
Of course, life then had to get back to normal, for all of us.
I find myself adrift once more.
In the New Hope brought forth by the latest Star Wars mythology, perhaps it is time for me to rescue myself.
I simply need to venture out there and do so.
And to remember that I am still loved by many.
That last bit is the most important.
It is also the easiest truth to lose sight of when living alone.
I am still loved.
By people in my past.
By people in my present.
By people in my future.
I am still loved.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Courageous is the soul, Faustina,
who adventures into time and space
to learn of their divinity.
For while they cannot lose,
they can think they have,
and the loss will seem intolerable.
And while they cannot fail,
they can think they have,
and the pain will seem unbearable.
And while they cannot ever be less than they truly are -
powerful, eternal, and loved -
they can think they are,
and all hope will seem lost.
And therein lies their test.
A test of perceptions:
of what to focus on,
of what to believe in,
in spite of appearances.
YOU, Faustina, are divine -
The Universe
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