jokes and puns, jokes and puns!

From my friend, Pat Andres:
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The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management; I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press '1' for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad!!!

from my friend, Cedric Stratton:
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending coffee break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
{My stepdad would have agreed. He said he never got vacation anymore!}

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
(Mother Pat, my mom-in-law, always said this, too!)

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometimes 15%!

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


from my friend, Barbara Nixon:
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Why did the Chicken Cross the Road???

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our
side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


from my fsilm and friend, Bev Lockamy
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It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter - I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


from my Aunt Barbara Narcarti:
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Friends - this is almost too sad to forward but I felt I should. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday in Minneapolis of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not regarded as a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and served as a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 min.
If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

from my friend, Sandy Karlin:
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A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day -- 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...'

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after packing items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured that since the football and the horse-racing were on, setting the TV to a cookery program and coming out was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'