all mine, my Precious

I hate feeling like I'm broke.
I most definitely AM broke. And I certainly dislike being broke.
But I truly hate feeling like I'm broke.
You get the distinction?
For the past few weeks, I find myself playing this little game. It's called "wanna go to a movie?" and it goes like this:
1) since I have a bit of time on my hands these days, I'll pull up the cinema schedules to see what's playing;
2) I select a movie with a near-future start time and allow myself to look forward to going to it;
3) I putz around on the computer or in the house until too late to actually GO to the movie (even taking into account the fifteen minutes of ads and previews beforehand);
4) I tell myself it's just as well that I missed it as I don't have the money anyway for such things;
5) depending on the time, wait a few hours or a day and play again.
It gets to be quite frustrating, as I know before I look at the schedules that I'm most likely NOT going to the movie.
It all ties in too nicely with this new pity party I've been having.

I've been working hard on this pity party for weeks. I really have.
Today, I decided to toss an invite to my bff and see if she would rsvp.
She did, of course.
That's what bffs do.
Especially since I'm the 'glass half-full' gal most of the time.

Here's my invite to her, just after eleven o'clock this morning:
me: Life is hard. really sux right now.

bff: For you? What's up?

me: My stepbrother is dying, the peace Guy is gone, the first niece lives across town, no one to hug, no health insurance, no money coming in, the bfe busy with tenure stuff. I could go on.

bff: ugh. Sounds like you need beach and tequila.

me: I think I need more than that. At least the folks in the Student Success Committee were glad to have me yesterday, even tho i wasn't allowed to Chair it anymore.

me: The faculty Senate made me vacate the position when they found i was part-time status. Ditched me by unsigned email. Bass turds.

bff: yeah, that was wrong. They don't know what they are missing.

me: That is EXACTLY what the folks on the StuSucCom said! too many people do committee work just to pad their resumes. that's bullshit to do that.

bff: You have just got a big heart...

bff: maybe it's time for you to start sleeping your way to the top... haha.

me: yeah. not gonna happen. Cannot even picture that act with the dean or dept head.

bff: Maybe you and I should move to Montana and become old-lady pole dancers!!!

me: that could definitely be fun. :-)

bff: Well sweetheart, hang in there. Life really sux sometimes.

me: Heard.

No, I didn;t tell her about my middle brother living in the woods in a tent and dining on goodies from grocery store dumpsters.
He actually dines better than I do much of the time, having fresh meat a-plenty versus the canned meat I usually buy.
Plus, she is already aware of that.

No, I didn't whine about the lethargy and ennui fogging my path daily. After all, I can usually fight my way clear when I have papers to grade.
Because she is aware of that, too.

No, I didn't harp on the mess my house is most of the time, piles of unfiled papers, dust on nearly every ledge, dead palmetto bugs upside-down on the sunroom floor.
She's seen it and she is not fazed. She has seen how quickly I can whip it into shape when given the incentive.

No, i didn't add that my car has extra shakes or my air conditionling has an intermittent problem or I still have a critter traipsing around in my attic.
She would just look at me and ask why I hadn't already taken care of these bits and pieces?
After all, she has heard of some of the issues for months and months...

And how would my rising debt be any news to her? Heck, I've always had credit card fever and lately I've let it ride. She's been down that road, too, and we both know how to deal with it. Mine is starting to feel a little out of control, hence the "wanna go to a movie?" game.

Tonight, I started playing the game again. And, as usual, I putzed around until almost too late to catch the movie. Almost, but not quite.
The ticket didn't cost me anything, either. I had a free pass for that cinema, a free pass that the peace Guy had laft for me to use when he moved to Jet City.
So, in a way, he paid for me to go see the movie. What a treat!
So I treated myself to popcorn and a soda.
And this particular movie was just what my doctor would have ordered for me, if she had been aware that I was feeling so overwhelmed by life in general and everything in particular.
Watching demons and evil vampires get returned to the dust from which they rose is pretty damn satisfying.
Almost as relaxing as killing zombies.
Now, I'm not quite right as rain, but I'm getting there.
And tomorrow my car has an appointment for a remedy.