figures on a beach

This is going to be a little different today, so please keep your comments to yourself, i beg of you. Or at least wait patiently while I do my thing here. If you'd rather, you can go occupy yourself elsewhere and i can let you know when i'm done, okay? Just this one time?
Please?

(A glare and pursed lips, giving way to a soft smile and a lifted right eyebrow. Then the door closes quietly behind.)

I'm on a kick to review some of my old music, see how it might still fit into my life, test its ability to ward off new monsters. This particular album/ cassette/ WHATEVER came into my world in the summer - or possibly early fall- of 1991. But more on that in a few minutes. Here are the ones i always sang along with as i went rocketing around Florida and Georgia.

-accidentally 4th street (gloria) -

well we're looking at the cover,
we're spending all our time
just staring at the magazine

well, look who's on the cover,
wasting all our time...
some pseudo-fascist hero-machine

well, that's no space for a human being
that man is not a hero or a saint.
when somewhere in deepest America,
grown men weep at the sound of his name
so it goes and it goes...

all the girls named gloria
sing sweetly out of key.
the sun rose in the west today,
accidents in the land of the free...

well i grew up where they showed you the body count
in color on your dinner TV
and i've been numbed so insensitive
that all i can think about is you and me
you know children from the best homes
they all have guns and butter
they have their share of murder blue
well it's not such a wiggy awesome good time
when the shopping mall militia point their cannons at you..
so it goes..

all the girls named gloria
sing sweetly out of key
the sun rose in the west today
accidents in the land of the free
i love this world harder in my imagination
than my conscience should allow
but accidents do happen
accidents will happen
don't you dare to ask me how.

now everyone believed in the stories 'bout the cadillacs
everybody's got enough to eat
and people always keep their eyes glued to the ground
when a desparate man he's gotta cling to the streets
and i swear to myself i will help them
i will be an upstanding man
well when i walk by and i hear them cry
that money just sticks to my hands
what's wrong with me?

all the girls named gloria
sing sweetly out of key
the sun rose in the west today
accidents in the land of the free
i love this world harder in my imagination
than my conscience should allow
but accidents do happen, accidents will happen
don't you dare to ask me how

----------------------- ---------------------------------
- flex-
Yeah yeah wooooohhhh yeah yeah
yeah yeah
yeah yeah

last night i had myself a dream that i was talking to the president
he said i don't know what i did or where i went but it's all gone now
all the money's spent
i said now what's the matter with you boy
thats no way to make ends meet
where did everybody go?
they're all livin' out on the street
he said
i need your help and right away
you better come out for a drive to the capitol

i said
Well i could walk there in the rain
but it would take forever in the sun
now I've got sex in my pocket
but i flex so much easier with a gun
oh yeah yo

yeah yeah oooh baby ooh

last night i had myself a life and i was talking to the one i love
i said i don't know what i did or where i went
but it's all gone now we can't pay our rent
she said now what's the matter with you boy
can''t you hold a steady job
that's no way to make ends meet and now we're livin' out on the street
i said
i need some help and yesterday
i'm gonna take myself a drive to the capitol

Well i could walk there in the rain
but it would take forever in the sun
now I've got sex in my pocket
but i flex so much easier with a gun
oh yeah yo

-----------------------------------------------------------
-(don't make me) nervous-

new turnpike a blur through telegraph wires
i'm movin' as fast as i can
i'm hungry restless and tired
but i don't need no medicine man
because i don't drink and i don't smoke
i lift weights and i live on pink hope
to take the town and wrap it 'round our fingers
come away with me darlin'...

you look like a friend to me
i will keep you sworn to secrecy
I'm gonna be somebody by the middle of the night
you can check your papers
check your t.v.
'cause i swagger like brando
dance like james brown
talk like john wayne
drive like james dean
gonna be somebody
dontcha gimme no lip
you just keep me happy
and don't make me nervous

i once had a good companion
fleshpot vegas beauty queen
she could disappear for weeks at a time
if you know what i mean
but you, you might be a different story
I could really fall for you
and tie you down and drown you in flowers
oh come away with me from ohio

you look like a friend to me
i will keep you sworn to secrecy
I'm gonna be somebody by the middle of the night
you can check your papers
check your t.v.
'cause i swagger like brando
dance like james brown
talk like john wayne
drive like james dean
gonna be somebody
dontcha gimme no lip
you just keep me happy
and don't make me nervous

now she came east to spend her time just lyin' on her motel bed
now she spends her afternoons just givin' what she doesn't have
she says pretty is as pretty does
and pretty don;t get much these days
when she went down she lost her youth in one fell swoop
check it

you look like a friend to me
i will keep you sworn to secrecy
I'm gonna be somebody by the middle of the night
you can check your papers
check your t.v.
'cause i swagger like brando
dance like james brown
talk like john wayne
drive like james dean
gonna be somebody
dontcha gimme no lip
you just keep me happy
and don't make me nervous

nanana nana now

---------------------------------------------------------
-clam diggin'-

i'm sittin' and i just don't care
taking in the salt sea air
my ship came in and i'm a-wastin' time
in a better world i'd be on an unemployment line

i'm not the kind of man who gets things done
i lie like a tomato and i ripen in the sun
always late for the starting gun
but while you're running your errands
hey! i'm on the beach and clam diggin'

went to the hamptons been to cape cod too
shot a nine at augusta went to peru
i do the things that rich folk do
i got some beach front down in malibu

i'm not the kind of man who gets things done
i lie like a tomato i just ripen in the sun
always late for the starting gun
but while you're running your errands
hey! i'm on the beach and clam diggin'

i'm the kind of guy who likes his fun
i lie like a tomato i just ripen in the sun
always late for the starting gun
but while you're running your errands
hey! i'm on the beach and clam diggin'

dig

i'm not the kind of man who gets things done
i lie like a tomato i just ripen in the sun
always late for the starting gun
but while you're running your errands
i'm on the beach and clam diggin'

i'm the kind of guy who likes his fun
i lie like a tomato i just ripen in the sun
always late for the starting gun
but while you're running your errands
i'm on the beach and clam diggin'

---------------------------------------------------------
-independence day-

this is the cruelest summer
everybody crazy with the heat
and who can keep their anger inside

i really want to reach you
could i be your brother
could i be your friend
well you just keep on pushing me harder
and i ain't gonna go to the wall for you any more

cause we're on the road to independence day
when you talk too loud you give yourself away

some people want to fill your head
tell you all the stories that you want to hear
but you always hear the whispers when you leave the room
well i don't wanna listen to that kind of talk no more

cause we're on the road to independence day
when you walk too proud you give the game away
get along yeah
woo ooh

sometimes you gotta listen to what the world is tellling you
and sometimes it hurts too much
there's a milllion ways to die and none of them look pretty
well i ain't gonna kill myself for no one any more

cause we're on the road to independence day
when you talk too loud you give yourself away

cause we're on the road to independence day
when you walk too proud you give the game away
get along yeah
woo ooh

------------------------------------------
-mystified-

seems that others will remember
every time that i forget
well if it seems i've lost the art of conversation
well it seems you go right to my head
i fall over and over again

and when the world mistreats you
don't you feel so mystified

in the mediterranean sunset
speeding train through italy
i caught you sleeping like a baby
you look like paradise to me
i fall over and over again

and when the world mistreats us
don't you feel so mystified

i won't let he world mistreat you
don't you feel so mystified
i bless the day i met you
i will always stand right by your side
'cause i love you i love you i love you

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-get serious-

they're on my lawn
they're on my lawn
i got the pink flamingoes rockin' on my lawn
i'm goin' out of my mind in my mobile home
get serious
get serious

now i'm out on my own and i'm all alone
i'm watching reruns from the twilight zone
i got big floppy shoes and i need to roam
and get serious
get serious

so lets go throw 'em down and won't you pour me a round
bartender?
and deliver us from evil and give us our daily bread

well the news came down on my radio
we're gonna get attacked by a white tornado
time to hitch up the trailer and take ourselves a ride
and get serious
get serious

so come out of your closets
crawl off of your shelf
crawl under the table and express yourself
that twister's a-comin' down M-59
and it's time it's time to get serious

so let's throw 'em down and won't you pour me a round
bartender?
and deliver us from evil and give us our daily bread
well it's closing time and that's a time when a man should get serious
i get serious when i think i'm goin' out of my head

change!

i am a stranger here and
i want to go where the big boys go
won't you take me to a place where the man sings like the boy who came from tupelo
well it's the same old story
when my search for love and glory runs against the wall
well i will change that story
no more hope for love and glory
but when i pay my mastercard you will hear me squall
woooh!

so let's throw 'em down and won't you pour me a round
bartender?
and deliver us from evil and give us our daily bread
well it's closing time and that's a time when a man should get serious
i get serious when i think i'm goin' out of my head

whose head what head my head
baby

--------------------------------------------------------
-green-

here's a lesson i have learned
play with matches and watch them burn
see the trouble darkened skies
close to my heart the things i hide
seems i've wrecked the honeymoon
found my chance but played too soon
which one? this one? that one? mine?
i can't tell the truth from lies

it started out green but it turned out blue
i can't do the things that love wants me to
i try my best to make it up to you
it started out green but it turned so
blue

and words that slither from the skies
have lost their power to mesmerize
well i was too on fire to know
did i strike some fatal blow
so this is how our story ends
well that's the way that you lose a friend
the room that spins when the loss sets in
what do i know? you gotta bite the hand that hits you every time

it started out green but then it turned out blue
i can't do the things that love wants me to
i try my best to make it up to you
it started out green but it turned so
blue

and broken hearts can mend
it's a long way back from no where
willows don't break they bend
and some dreams they never end

it started out green but then it turned out blue
i can't do the things that love wants me to
i try my best to make it up to you
it started out green but it turned so
blue
oh oh oh

-----------------------------------------------------------

Good tunes for fighting the demons which slither in and out of my psyche. My body needs something to groove on while my brain is trying to sort through the demons crouching in and around the invisible trees. I think i should just burn the damn forest down, get rid of those trees once and for all.. but that is not an option. First, there would be too much collateral damage, too much loss of that which i still love, too much. Second, the invisible forest is infinitely large, impossibly vast, too monumental to completely demolish. So it's track down the monsters, one by one, cut down the trees as they block my path, one by one, using music that isn't even mine, music i have only on a tape cassette.

Sigh. I had forgotten how much i enjoy this band.
As i said, I didn't ever hear of them until 1991, and by that time the figures had sought out different beaches and the band was defunct. The quintet was from Detroit and had a local following such that they put out two albums, but they only had one single that got any national airplay and the regional regional interest wasn't enough for a living. But the michigander i was dating introduced me to their music - as well as that of many others in the ensuing years - and i'm pretty sure he did so because he knew my musical tastes so well. Now, he has the album and i have the cassette and i'm sure i got the better deal, as neither of us have a turntable. Still, i would like to have it on cd, just for durability, you know?

(Door opens and a head peeks in.)
Ta da!!!

You've returned! Very good!

Even better! I come bearing you a gift. I have found a store that sells their tunes, both the album you know and the first album, of which you know naught.

Awesome! How very nice of you to do that for me!

(Holds up a hand.) And, for you, i have purchased the tunes from their self-titled second album, the one you have enjoyed so much over the years, the one which has "Accidentally 4th Street (Gloria)", their sole single.

Wow...thank you so very much....

Myself, i would have introduced them to the world with "Get Serious" or "(Don't Make Me) Nervous".
But, hey, no one asked and the point is fully moot.
Enjoy, dear. And time for some shut-eye.

happy birthday flag

I had known something was wrong with me from the moment i woke up today, but i couldn't put my finger on it.
I hadn't looked at a calendar.
The social network had reminded me late last night of Sam J's upcoming birthday, and I had posted celebratory greetings on his wall. I had even commented on how he was missed.
Then i went to sleep and woke up this morning down, down, down.
I started my day texting a new friend, with an apology for not asking him about a line of thought interrupted by the film last night. Before coffee, i was texting, seeking to lend solace. Before coffee.
As we sent our words through the morning air, i brought up blogging as therapy and mentioned how i had been on my beach a lot these past days. He suggested a meeting tonight to cage my demons and i agreed.
Then i had coffee and pasta for breakfast. And i thought i would go through my blogs, maybe pull up a few that help give my new friend a crash course in me. Not that i really think he needs it much, as he's been to my AD house and even seen part of my AD photo album. Still, i thought he might be interested in some of my blogs.
So, there i was, still in my nightgown, perusing my beach for scattered treasures. Posts like rain and "touch" and "irony". And let's not forget about "music festival" and "impact" and "invisible trees". All good ones for anyone trying to get a true feel for who i am or at least the machinations of my mind.
Then i found myself reading all the posts about Daddy and his impending death. And i sat here and sobbed. Father's Day is this weekend and the commercials just keep comin', just as they did for Mother's Day, reminding me that i have no parents now. Friends talk to me of the health and mental issues mounting for their parents and i cannot even begin to know what anguish they are bearing. For both of my parents, it was a matter of months between knowing of their ill health and mourning their death. At least i was better prepared for Daddy's death, having already watched Mama and Mother Pat waste away into the darkness. I was even able to help Daddy continue to BE himself for those last months, as i concentrated on treating him as my Daddy and not talking of his disease.
Then I came across "18 years" and my heart broke. I read it all again, through my streaming eyes, though i do believe i could have recited it by heart. I read the comments again, missing the man and missing our friendship and missing his strength during my first AD years.
Thanks to Sam, i have friends here, and elsewhere, now, who know me and know my story but don't know the ex. Believe me, that is a wonderful situation - they never ask about the ex and i don't bring him up, allowing a bit of breathing space in my new life.
I knew i was off today, but i didn't quite understand how far i had strayed.
I knew it was the 14th of June, but i had muted my actions of the night before, allowing me to temporarily derail my sorrow.
I knew i was missing a piece of my heart.
I didn't realize it was more than one.

morphine therapy

I hadn't ever considered it before, but "Cure For Pain" is definitely a concept album.

You're back? And STILL listening to that same cd?

Yep and yep. I should have noticed before - and maybe i did on some subliminal level - but the music tells a story, if you listen to it as a whole and not piecemeal. As i generally listen from first to last tune, i can pick up on a theme, if the artist had meant there to be one. Or maybe even if they had not.

And the theme of "Cure For Pain"? The message locked in the lyrics?

You're making fun of me, but that's okay. Sometimes you can be a bit obtuse. The theme, dear, is dealing with relationships and lovers.

Let me set you straight, buttercup. Almost EVERY song IN THE WORLD is about dealing with relationships and lovers. And you know why? Well, do you? I'll tell you. That theme is everywhere because people everywhere have that same issue, unless they live out in the woods or in a cave, alone. Oh, and let's not forget that guys in rock bands want to get laid and singing about lovers and relationships tends to be instrumental in accomplishing that. And, yeah, that double entendre was deliberate.

Really. (Sigh.) As i was saying before your rant, i hold that the songs in this compilation were not randomly placed, but are deliberately loaded in the order given. Taken in sequence, one sees a relationship begin between the singer and a dark-haired beauty in the audience.

No, no, no, let me stop you right there! Nowhere in "Buena" does he speak of the girl's hair color!

I didn't say he did, either, did i? No. We don't find out that particular fact until two songs later. So, in "Buena", he meets her and asks her to "come on a little closer to the front of the stage, come on a little closer i got something to say". Then they have a helluva good time, with him calling her a devil called "buena buena".

You're inferring quite a lot from that short little song.

(Sigh.) May i continue? Thank you.
In the next song, "I'm Free Now," he's "free now to direct a movie sing a song or write a book about yours truly" and why is he suddenly free? he's screwed up the relationship somehow, causing her to not even talk to him for about a week. He pleads with her, crying " the last thing i want to do is ever cause you pain." Then his lament continues in "All Wrong," missing her "black hair like ravens," her "smile that swerved all over the road," her laugh that makes him "travel back in time" and "collapse inside." It's rather touching, those lyrics, while the music wails and rocks behind him.

Niiice.

Stay with me now! Okay? Okay. In the next song, "Candy" has moved on, but is unhappy and wants him with her "down in candyland," but he's not going. She even talks about what if she were to die and he tells her "no you can't do that to me because you love me way too much for you to ever leave." But he stays put, findng he has "A Head With Wings" during a drug overdose. He even thinks he can "see the shadows fall" across her face.

Drug overdose? Where does it say THAT? No drugs are mentioned in those lyrics, or in any of the others on that cd, for that matter.

Oh, yes they are! Well, maybe not specifically in THAT song, though they do show up in a later tune. Let's continue, shall we?

Hey, it's your party. Carry on.

And so i shall. "In Spite Of Me" bemoans the fact that she succeeded in her suicide attempt, when he had thought she would be coming back to him. Now, all he has is the video of her and he watches it late at night in his living room.

Oh, brother.

Then, he has an affair with a married woman, an affair on "Thursday" afternoons, meeting "for a couple of drinks and a game of pool." But he had to give that up because her husband was a "very violent and jealous man," leading to his leaving town to avoid a beat down. Then back to the drugs as a "Cure For Pain," the pain of losing at love again, the pain of having his self control "crawling helpless on the floor."

How very maudlin. Truly.

Ignoring the peanut gallery, yes, i am. The next song, he's back to questioning the reason why "there's no map and there's no clue" to let a man know "who to dog and who to ride and who to hold forever by your side." "Mary Won't You Call My Name?" Still trying to find the right woman, he suggests "Let's Take A Trip Together", though he may well mean that figuratively rather than literally as he speaks of "breathing the cold black space with the glistening edges." Then again, he may just want to get her away from all the "anxious questions" and the "nervous wrecks." Quite possible!

Are you done yet? Time is tick, tick, ticking away here...

Almost!!! Oh, ye of little patience. We were almost done, and you had to go and interrupt! Such a bad habit, you really MUST work on that.

Later. Which it is now. So?

Fine. So, here we are at the last song, a mellow number about yet another woman. Her name is "Sheila" and this seems to be a languid, post-coital poem about her and her cat. But is it the cat under her spell or is it him? Hmm? My money says he has found another woman to bemuse him for a while.
Ta da! All done!

(Yawn.) Time for bed, now that your little fairy tale has come to a close. Say good night now.

Good night now!
hahaha!

cure for pain

I love Morphine. Once, i had quite a few of their compact discs, but now i only have the one. The last time the ex was in town for the holidays, i gave him all save one: Cure For Pain. That one has some lyrics i can really get behind, lyrics that let me know that not only am i not alone in my madness but that others have trod this path. Actually, i've just realized as i was typing that madness is not IN my head so much as a state of being, another space in time which anyone may occupy on occasion, but hopefully not forever. Right?

Girl, you're NOT quite right, are you?

No, but i'm getting better, i swear i am. And we all know how well i can swear! :)

:)

The music on this album - as is my default designation for solid matter on which music is deposited (and that's as far as THIs digression into the woods is allowed) - really speaks my language. Lots of brass, lots of dirty guitar, a drumline built for my hips! "Scuse me while I dance to Thursday.

Say what? Today just happens to be Tuesday, or did your lack of work cause you to forget days of the week?

Ha ha. You are sooo funny. No, the song is titled "Thursday" and talks about the weekly trysts between a guy and a married chick. Yes, it does violate my Second Law, but those Laws cannot be applied to others, only myself. Clearly. Else i would not even be writing this as i would not be living in my AD, i would most likely never have started this blog, and would not know all these new folks in my life. Yeah. But i digress yet again, as so often is the case of late...

Hello? Are you there? You seem to have drifted away?

Yeah, maybe a little. The lyrics on this particular song are all over me. "Let's take a trip together, headlong into the irresistible orbit." I so need to wake up somewhere different.

Well, hang in there, sunshine. You do have that trip coming up at the end of the month.

Yeah, you're right, i do, but you know very well that's a business trip and not the same thing as what i mean.

Well, it won't be all business, all the time. There will be plenty of time for play, too, in the evening.

If i say "sure" will you just drop it?

I don't know. If i drop it, will you kindly step out of your head and back into the real world? Off the nebulous turf of Madness and onto the solid surface of Reality?

"Solid surface of Reality"? Do you jest?? You, off all people, speaking of Reality as some fixed concept, state of being, frame of reference, when it is at least as ethereal as Madness? You, who have ranted time and time again about perspective and its effect on personal Reality? Spare me your inference that Reality is a firmer "place" to be than is the other.

Okay, i can see i've hit a sore spot, so allow me to rephrase and reiterate. While the weather is clear, perhaps you should get outside, do something constructive. Perhaps, just perhaps, you should take a step back from your emotional and mental states and concentrate on something in the physical world, something your hands can touch? Better?

My hands ARE touching something physical. Or at least my fingers are. My white-tipped fingers.
And thanks to high school, i'm actually typing this with my figners over the keyboard in the proper location, rather than hunt and peck, as was my Grandpa's style. You'd think that with his constant writing, he would have found it helpful to have learned typing strategy, so as to minimize his time spent with the typewriter, but he was pretty quick, probably quicker than i am. Hell's belles, THAT is probably true!
Yes, i do feel better. Thanks for asking.
And out i go! But next time, i AM going to finish this topic of me and my relationship with music. Oh, yes, i am.

i just can't wear dresses any more

I used to very much enjoy wearing dresses and looking like a girl. I don't believe I can handle it these days.

Oh, my, YOU again? First it was the fingernails, now this oh-so-not problem!

Understood. Folks who are not privy to the workings of my mind may well scoff when I state my newly-minted problem. Said problem is specifically this: When I wear a dress, I see myself as very "girlie" and I tend to act accordingly. I become overly flirty and somehow believe myself to be irresistible to the opposite sex.

Oh? You find men drawn to you in droves when you are dressed as a woman?

No, at least I hope not. If I were to have men "in droves" putting the moves on me, I just might have to gain weight to recover my defensive wall against such action. Once upon a time, I would have been just fine with heavy flirting with strangers, but those days are separated from these by sixteen years with one man. I am very much out of practice with flirtation and I'm convinced lately that I'm doing it wrong. Or, rather, I'm flirting with serious aim and that isn't the spirit of flirting.
Besides which, I wasn't speaking of me dressing like a woman. Women ARE allowed to wear pants and suits and pretty well whatever. No, that was not my point at all. My problem arises from my image of myself when I wear a dress, and only of late do I have this image in the forefront of my mind. It's starting to make me feel a bit out of control.

Maybe you just need to avoid mirrors. Perhaps if you didn't know how you looked, you might behave differently.

I don't know if that would work. Besides, the problem isn't particularly every time I wear a dress, but just sometimes. When I wore a dress to class during the last week of school, I didn't see myself as "girlie" in front of the students. However, I did find myself getting girlie and shy at times when there...

Ah, now we're getting somewhere! Why ever must you talk in circles instead of straight out? Never mind, give discourse further of thy plight!

I have found myself drawn to a new ocean, an ocean I had not noticed before, as its waves were below the surface, not cresting, much like a lake, still and unruffled. Some few months back, the surface broke and I have not been quite the same since. It may have been early November, maybe shortly after, that I first felt... a kinship stirring the air. I had been strolling in the arboretum, as was my wont, taking a break from the chill of my office on a fine afternoon, a little indulgence in the depths of the natural world prior to my evening class. As a rule, I wander along the inner paths, alone, rarely seeing anyone else. But not this afternoon. He was also strolling, taking a break from I know not what, and we happened to talk. Not simply exchanging pleasantries with each other; we talked. And, as I recall, we talked long enough that I had to break away to make my appointment with twenty-nine students. I chalked that up to a nice encounter, but didn't allow myself to dwell on it too much. Well, not too much, but I did send him an email about the roses on campus and the way they smelled in the sun, and he did reply.

And then?

And then pretty well nothing until February. I must admit that he was on my mind at times, but as a person of interest in the department, a person I didn't really know much about, but he was vocal during meetings and had well-thought-out statements and questions. Even so, we might smile at each other, but we didn't pursue anthing more until after the second quiz bowl at the school. We had both volunteered to work with the kids that Saturday, just as we had both been volunteers on the last Saturday of the previous month. This time, I had made sure I could stay for the entire session, rather than leaving at lunch as I had in January. We somehow ended up together for the final round, with me reading questions and him standing beside me as the judge. He hadn't started out standing beside me, but he was by the end of the session. I thought it was pretty nice that Kat was there taking pictures of us, especially when she and another woman remarked on how good I looked in the fuchsia tones I was wearing that day. (They had previously seen me in blue when I dedicated the two seats in the Jenkins Theatre.) I don't know if that remark was overheard, but perhaps it was.

Wait a minute... So you're saying you and he weren't really hanging out yet, conversing in the halls or such?

No, no, that didn't begin until just after, starting slowly and building over the next few mnnths. I had "friended" him on a social website and he had accepted. Made daring by knowledge gleaned from a comment he had made to another, about the women here not giving him a chance or something like that, I invited him to an event with the kidless group that I've belonged to for the past five years. My intent was honorable: introduce him to some of the lovely and smart women I knew, broaden his horizons, so to speak. I knew he was younger than me, though I did not yet know his age, and harbored no thoughts that he might have an interest in me, but I thought he might well like a couple of the others in the group.
And he did attend that gathering in March, dining at a downtown locale with a long-standing reputation for burgers and beer. And he did enjoy himself and had good conversation with all. And shortly after, he did start coming around my office for more conversation with me - and I loved the attention from him. I still very much love the attention from him.
And that is the source of my concern now. We have great conversations, talks which diverge from topic to topic, sometimes never returning to finish a tale begun because another has branched and consumed the path. We have conversations which continue for hours, closing down theatres, bars, and restaurants. Incredible explorations of each other's past and present are undertaken, learning likes and dislikes, myths and theories, loves and loves lost.
And I find myself unwilling to part from his company. And I find myself stealing touches. And I find myself wearing dresses and being girlie and flirting seriously.
And I need to stop that behavior, because I don't want him to leave. I need to stop that behavior because I want the conversations to continue, I want to learn if he is a new best friend or ... But slower is such a difficult pace for me, as I more often run full tilt boogie or not at all... but I will try. I will, for this new friendship is very important to me.
I just can't wear dresses any more.

you must be dreamin'

Here I go again!
I'm taking on the Southern Cross Novel Writing Challenge, or rather, half of it. I doubt I can write more than 2000 words a day for the next three weeks, as I will be excluding weekends and restricting my endeavors to the day time hours, as if I were actually working for a living this summer. 25,000 words. That's the goal.
I'll keep you apprised of my progress, but please forgive me if I don't share the details. The last - and only other - time I engaged in this competition, my characters ran completely amok almost immediately, carrying on as if they were straight out of a Harold Robbins novel. If you don't know what I mean, then you might want to stray over to that portion in your nearest library for a little while. If you do know what I mean, then you KNOW what I mean!
I'm going to give this puzzle over to my brain for a while, let it develop something to get started, then who knows? I may wake in the morning rarin' to set fingers to keypad or the impetus to write may take a couple of days to fully develop - but it WILL be entertaining!

i must go down to the sea again

I have fingernails.

Oh, really? How very nice for you. Next!

No, you don't understand, clearly. There are white-tipped nails at the ends of my fingers. There are white-tipped nails at the ends of ALL of my fingers. This is unusual. You're talking to someone who doesn't remember having to ever clip her fingernails.

What?! Everyone clips their nails! Oh, you mean a manicurist takes care of the nails.

No. No, that is not it at all. I've had the habit of biting my fingernails ever since I was young. On rare occasions, I'd take a break for a few days, throw some polish on them, make them look nice for some special event. Then, as soon as the event was done, the nails went, too. Not that I consciously bit my nails; if I was sitting still for any length of time, the nails were between my teeth, nibble, nibble.

Well, if you could stop for a special event, then you could have stopped any time. Why didn't you try some of those nasty tasting lotions to get you to stop for good?

Oh, I did try those "end nail biting forever" remedies, but you know what? They didn't work. I was never that serious about ending the habit, I would seek out the remedy to try to please someone else and end the nagging. Biting my nails was natural for me; stopping seemed perverse.

So, what's the deal now? Why have you stopped?

I don't know.

No, there must be some reason why you have deliberately stopped the habit after all these years. How long has it been now?

That's just it: I don't truly know. I recall noticing before my vacation that I had fingernails. Ever since - hm, March? April? - I had been applying some clear nail polish that I really liked. It's very shiny and looks perpetually wet and made me feel more "girly", even though I doubt anyone else took note. I even stopped picking on my cuticles so much, because I liked the way the polish looked and didn't want to detract from that shine at the ends of my fingers. Every couple of weeks, I'd notice a dull area between the base of the nails and the cuticles and would take a few minutes to remove the old polish and apply a fresh coat. I guess I didn't pay attention to what that gap in the shine meant.
I don't recall making a conscious decision to stop my nail biting. But perhaps my subconscious had made the decision for me and it simply has taken this long for me to stop and wonder about it.
Maybe the decision is a result of a new wave rising from the depths, a blip on my inner radar which could not be ignored, an image rousing me to take notice.
This change is good. Maybe a bit scary, too, but I'm going to see where this next adventure will take me.
After all, I have white-tipped fingernails now at the end of each of my fingers so a sea change has already begun...