more than just an ag-gra-VA-tion

Ronnie has been such an aggravation to me today.
Here's what I'm talking about.
I was trying to get my financial papers in order and had been steadily working on it all this morning. By early afternoon, I was beginning to see the light to the end of the tunnel...and I got a phone call. It was Randy, on Ronnie's phone, calling to tell me Ronnie was in the hospital, "throwing up blood and with blood in his stool and his pee" and Randy thought this was the end, that Ronnie was dying. Ronnie was "in the ER at Memorial" and they wouldn't let Randy there because he wasn't family and I needed to get there fast.
So I dropped everything and went there, with Randy calling me twice more along the way and even meeting me in the parking lot, each time rattling off the same spiel and looking like he was about to cry.
They let me into the ER holding area and directed me to the gurney pulled up against the wall.

There he was,
white blanket pulled up
past his head,
curled up on his side...
sleeping?
No blood anywhere.
At all.
Dirt, yes, but no blood.
I gently placed my hand
on his shoulder,
and told him I was there...
and he starts nattering away, like he was just fine, nattering away about being hungry and wanting a cigarette and being ready to leave.
He was drunk, of course.
I felt like I had been tricked.
I waited for a nurse to finally come by.
What was Ronnie's problem?
He had fallen, while drunk, and banged up his right ribcage, but the X-rays showed he had not broken anything, just bruised the area.
But I knew that was the SECOND time he had done that. The first time had been just a few days after my hand surgery. He had been complaining about the fall when his daughter (my first niece) had taken me and him to dinner that Monday, four days after my return from Charleston. (I had ended up paying for all three of us.)
I got so angry. So angry that Randy had lied to me, so angry that Ronnie was drunk again, so angry at feeling used and stuck.
We were able to leave by 4 PM.
Then we went to IHOP for a late lunch.
Usually, Ronnie picks at his food and talks about how much his stomach has shrunk, so he can't eat much.
Not this time.
He ate every last bite of a big bowl of grits, two pieces of French toast, two huge strips of bacon, two sausage links, two eggs, and two pancakes.
Every last bite.
I had texted Smitty, to get him to join us.
No response.
My anger continued to build, and Ronnie constantly nattered on.
We left for CVS so I could get his pain medication.
I tried Smitty's cell phone.
After ringing and ringing, the call was disconnected.
Did he hang up on me???
Truly ticked, I called his house.
Mary answered and I told her all about how awful an afternoon I was having and Ronnie's stuff and nonsense and Randy lying to me and Smitty blowing me off...
And she calmed me down. Smitty was home sick, on the couch. He had tried to get to his phone, but didn't reach it in time and he hasn't set up the voice mail. Everything would be okay. What could she do for me?
Just hen, a young man leaving the drugstore, seeing Ronnie, shook his hand, slipping him a folded five-dollar bill and wishing him a "Merry Christmas"... and then he did the same with me.
With ME.
I was so embarrassed.
I just broke down and cried.
Did I look as bad as Ronnie did? Did I look homeless and dirty?
Ronnie totally did not understand.
I paid for his prescription and then took him to Target to get a new phone card, since he still had his phone and it was about to run out of minutes. Thank God For the manager (Allan) of the electronics department at Target. He could see how distraught I was and he took charge and took care of us. He even loaded the minutes onto Ronnie's phone, so that is set for the next two months.
All the way out through the store, Ronnie kept saying, "I sure could use one of those" and "I sure would like to have that" and "Santa should bring me one of those".
I finally snapped out, "Well you better ask Santa Smitty for that because I am tapped out."

Ronnie then wanted me to
buy him some beer.
Seriously.
I had just dropped
close to
seventy dollars
on his behalf
and he wanted me
to buy him
two bottles of beer
at the Chevron,
since he has been banned from its premises.
Banned, from a gas station...
I told him I could not, in good conscience, buy him any alcohol.
I then dropped Ronnie off at his neck of the woods, literally.

And I went home
and sat on my bed
in my darkening
bedroom, under the
soft glow of
my special lamp,
hugging myself
and rocking
as I cried for the
next thirty minutes.

i thank You, God, for that helpful young man at Target (Allan) and that well-meaning young man outside the CVS and that sweet waitress (Cheena) at IHOP...
and i ask for you to be especially kind to them...

Now, I am joining Barbara and Sandy for our previously-scheduled outing tonight, with those improv folks.
I certainly need a good laugh...

with hopes for the best

Dear Tony,

Well, for better or worse, Ronnie has been released from the hospital. For now, he is staying with Michael. I told Ronnie, before he left my house yesterday afternoon, that he had been granted an amazing opportunity to get to know his son. He should make every moment count.

I also told Michael to call me or Smitty if things become overwhelming. His twin baby girls come first. Period.

How did all of this come to pass? We had a family meeting with Ronnie's doctor, Dwayne Gard, with his case manager, Amber Barnes, and with his nurse of the day, Liddy, at 2 PM yesterday. Smitty, Michael (with his babies), and I all tried to convince Ronnie to go to rehab, telling him he could have a place to live and a job if he's sober. The doctor and the case manager tried to convince him to go to rehab, pointing out that most alcoholics, by the time they have reached his age, have already run off everyone who cared for them.
All to no avail.
Grace House? Union Mission?
Nope, he was not interested.
Very frustrating.
Then Smitty had to go back to a job site. Michael had to take his girls home. The doctor and the case manager went back to their schedules.
I was left with the task of getting Ronnie out of the hospital and off to... somewhere.
I am so very burnt out from this.
Seriously.

So, here's the situation.
I've set up Ronnie's new phone, the second one I have had to buy for him in less than two months.
Smitty has just picked him up to take him to Michael's house, as his fiancee (Melanie) has agreed to Michael's plan to have his papa stay there for a few days.
Smitty has a rental trailer which is currently unoccupied, but trashed. Smitty is going to get it cleaned up enough for Ronnie to stay there, then have Ronnie continue to fix it up.
Provided he stay sober and allow his liver to heal.

Me?
I'm off duty for the "Ronnie detail".
Christina and Jason and their foster son are joining me at the Gnats' game tonight, in about half an hour.
Tonight, it's my turn to recover and heal.

with my love

hat tricks and brothers

Dearest Tony,

That's funny that you wrote me about your money situation the day after I had put money in your account. Your prayers must have preceded that note!
[His letter was dated March 5th. I received it yesterday.]

I'm sorry to hear about your broken tooth, but I'm glad y'all have a dentist there. Hopefully, that situation will soon be resolved for you.
[That letter had been dated February 24th.]

My health is good, but my hands have been bothering me. Ever since December, I've had cramping and tingling and numbness in both hands, but mostly in my left hand. I had thought it was arthritis, but I now believe it's carpal tunnel syndrome. Remember when Mama had surgery for hers? I think she was about my age, maybe a few years younger.
I have an appointment in April with my doctor. Meanwhile, I have to avoid holding my hand in curled positions for long periods of time - like, anything more than a few minutes.
Yikes! That means any letters from me will have to be much shorter. Hahaha!

Actually, I'm most concerned about grading papers. I spend hours doing that. Maybe some can wait until the woman I'm teaching for comes to help me in April. We'll see.

Today, I'm going to visit Ronnie. He's been in jail since February 16. I had heard it was for hitchhiking, but maybe not. I hope to find out more when I see him.
Nice to know he's been getting fed regularly for a month now. Sad, too.

Okay, I guess that does it for now.

Love you, Dood!

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

True to my word to my youngest brother, I ventured out to the Chatham County Sheriffs Complex to see my middle brother. It's been a couple of years since I last went there, and the place has really changed.
The building for visitation, for example, is no longer where it used to be.
I eventually found it, though, and eventually found him, too.
We had a very nice twenty-minute visit, via videophone.
No more walking down seemingly endless halls and seeing each other through scratched and cross-hatched glass. We still talked on a handheld phone, but we had good views of each other.
He has been in jail since February 16th.
He looks good.
Color is back in his cheeks and his skin has shrugged off its yellow cast. Being sober for this past month has given his body a chance to heal. Having three meals a day has been very beneficial to that healing process, too.
Why was he picked up this last time?
Well, I had heard from his girlfriend that he had been soliciting rides.
That was incorrect.
He had been panhandling.
He was arrested for illegal collection of funds.
All he had garnered was four dollars.
Sigh.
He and I had a very nice chat, short though it was. You may recall that the last time he and I spent any time together was in September. I was able to spend part of two days with him then! I left him well-fed and with a phone again.
(Two weeks later, he had lost the phone. I then unsuccessfully played tag with him and his friends for three weeks, trying to get yet another phone to him. As luck would have it, my oldest younger brother saw him and contacted me. That led to Ronnie finally having a phone again by the end of October. He "lost" it right after Thanksgiving. I was too broke - and frustrated - to buy him another.)
As the allotted time ticked down on our visit, I asked if he knew the significance of today's date.
Yes, he did. "It's Christina's birthday," he said. "Tell her I said happy birthday."
I assured him I would.
I then told him his son would be getting married on April 2nd. Was he interested in going with me to the wedding?
Yes, he was. Providing, of course, that he is out by then.
I truly love him when he is sober and we can have lucid conversations. Why can't it always be that way???

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

When I returned home, I retrieved my phone and called Smitty.
I talked to him about my visit with Ronnie and told him all I know about that situation.
Like me, he was relieved to know Ronnie is safely sheltered, with easy access to food and showers.
Both of us prefer knowing that Ronnie is in jail than thinking of him living in the woods, scrounging for food and living for his next cold beer.
Tomorrow, Smitty and I will meet to take care of his monthly sales tax report and payment. That'll come due by the 20th, so it's good that we'll not be rushed with it this time.
Tomorrow, maybe I'll visit Ronnie again and put a few dollars more into his account at the jail.
Tomorrow, Smitty probably will, too.
And we'll both sleep a little easier knowing Ronnie is safe.

word up to my youngest bro

Dear Tony,

Well, I just heard from Ronnie. He decided to leave Michael & Melanie's and go back to the woods. Why? He cited the crying of the babies. I think it's because he had $20 from Michael, from helping with some car work, burning a hole in his pocket.
What an idiot.

Smitty is still working on getting the trailer ready for habitation. The flea infestation, both inside and out, has been ferocious. I was going to take Ronnie over there yesterday, to do some work in that yard while the inside was being bombed. Instead, when I called Ronnie to say I was on my way, he told me not to bother, as the bombing the day before had not killed the fleas. Smitty was getting the city to turn the water back on so the yard could be sprayed with insecticide.
Notice that Ronnie did not call me to tell me of the change in plans. He let me go ahead and start on my way out to Highway 17, rather than tell me so I could make other plans.
What an inconsiderate idiot.

I do hope Ronnie will stay sober. If he does not, Smitty will not let him move into that trailer.
It sure is hot to be choosing to live in a tent instead of a house.
What an idiot.

Still, I have to accept that this is not my problem. Ronnie is a grown man, entitled to make his own decisions. Or so the folks at Memorial Hospital repeatedly said.

I will continue to pray for him to make better decisions.
I will continue to pray for him to seek help for his alcoholism.
I will continue to pray.

The Serenity Prayer
O God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
The courage to change what can be changed,
and the wisdom to know the one from the other.
- by Reinhold Niebuhr, 1930's

with my love

a brother's plea

I received this letter to Ronnie in today's post. Tony had sent it earlier this month, while Ronnie was still in the hospital, but he sent it to the wrong address.
I delivered it to Ronnie this afternoon. I told him I will be glad to send his reply to Tony.
I hope he will read it.
I hope it will lead to a change in his life.
I hope.

***** ***** *****

May 13

Hello Ronnie.

I must say that I was shocked to read the words that Tina wrote to me on May 7. Wow. I hope that you are doing much better today. And of course i truly hope that you know this same type of incident will occur again if you continue to drink. Please stay alive. I really want to see you again. Not a tombstone or grave marker.

Ronnie, by God's grace i haven't had a drink, drug, or cigarette since June 29th, 2007. The day of my arrest. It's not because of a lack of availability either. In prison all of those things are being used everyday, everywhere, easily accessible.

The reason that i haven't used any of these things is because God (not me) has taken away the desire for them. He can & will do the same for you. Ask Him to.

I'm sure that you would call me a "Very Religious" man. The reality, though, is that i now desire to be obedient to the only One who is worthy to rule over me. The reason is because He has revealed Himself to me countless times. His mercy and His grace have absolutely no bounds, no limits. Jaw dropping, eyes popping, awe inspiring, greatness!

Even for a wretch like me.

I do not want to bore you. I love you. God is the only One who could ever save me from myself & He did.

Surely all i can give you is what has been given to me. My help, my peace, my health, my hope, and whatever else that i may think i have, have all come from outside of me. My inspiration and motivation, my strength and diligence all began with and remain in God's Word. He is awesome - we are not.

I'm sure you do not want to continue reading all religious stuff. It's all i have for you. Let me share something with you that happened while i was still in the Chatham County Detention Center. I was reading my bible, John, chapter 8. I will never forget how this upcoming verse gave me such revelation to how blind i had been to the truth of my real condition. The man who i thought i was, really was already in bondage.

John 8:34 'Jesus said "Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin."

This short little verse was an eyeopener. The word of God here teaches that a human who continually practices sinfulness does so because those sinful things rule over them.

When i saw that the drinking that i was doing everyday was my master, i hated it more.

When i saw that the cigarettes that i continually bought and smoked were my master, i just shook my head.

When i realized that i even let the Cash 3 lottery own me, i realized how simple i am and how easily controlled i am as well. Here i was a 39 year old man, working daily to spend that same money on things i thought i had to have when i did not need any of them. I had been completely fooled, and easily manipulated, by an enemy.

You may think "why would i include Cash 3"? Because i literally had to be at a lottery store before 6:45 to make sure that i played my evening numbers.

I'm sure that you can relate to counting up change, as in all the money you have, period, to afford either alcohol or cigarettes. If you've done that then you have let some thing worthless rule over you. If you've ever stolen anything for something else - that something else is your 'order giving master' and you have been an obedient 'servant'. If you've ever been hospitalized because of your inability to say no, well you finish the sentence yourself, in your heart, truthfully.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.
30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall.
31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Trust Him, brother. He's truly your only hope.

Romans 5:6
For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

Romans 5:7
For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die.
8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
9 Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.
10 For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.

And finally.

Romans 6:16
Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to dark, or of obedience leading to righteousness?

Ronnie, my prayers and thoughts are with you. Perhaps i'm wrong, but somehow i feel that you're punishing yourself for some part of your past. Whatever it is that's troubling you, or, if anything's even troubling you at all, know this. I love you and want the very best for you. Hospitals, institutions, and cemeteries, you do not belong in.

Peace be with you, God bless you, in Jesus' name.

your brother,
Tony

good news about Ronnie!

What a relief! We no longer have to worry about where he is.
I want to shout the news from the top of Lookout Mountain, but right here on my beach will do just fine.
Ronnie's in jail.
Seriously, what a relief!
Sue Crowe told me, after doing the calling around to find where he was.
Memorial Hospital? No.
St. Joseph's Hospital? No.
Candler Hospital? No.
Chatham County Sheriffs' Complex? Yep!
Ronnie will be there until at least August 11th. That's his court date for being drunk and disorderly and for loitering.
Not that any of that activity is new.
What is new is that someone actually called the police about him.

I've told my oldest brother.
I've told Ronnie's daughter.
I've told Ronnie's son.
We are all of the same opinion: Thank God!
He'll be in an air-conditioned cell, instead of a bug-infested, torn-door, ripped tent in the woods. (No, he has not yet set up the new tent I bought for him.)
He'll be getting food and water, at least two times a day.
He won't be existing on alcohol and someone else's cigarette butts.
He won't be hanging out with alcoholics and homeless folk at the Chevron.
He won't be panhandling around the Target or the Home Depot.
He won't be "falling asleep in a fire ant bed" anymore. (He did that last Thursday. Truth be told, he "passed out in a drunken stupor" in a fire ant bed and they ate up one of his arms. Memorial Hospital took care of it and sent him off, probably that same day.)
He'll have access to his blood pressure medication again. As far as I know, he has not arranged with anyone to take him to the clinic so he can have his prescription refilled. (That would be from his trip to the hospital with chest pains in the middle of June.)
He'll be able to shower and shave and wash his hair.

What a relief to know he is safe!
i thank You, God!

about one brother, to another

Dear Tony,

I have been at the hospital with Ronnie every day sine Saturday. Wait - I was not there on Monday, as I had school most of that day. I spent Tuesday grading Final Exams at Memorial.

He had almost drunk himself to death. He has alcoholic hepatitis, though, not cirrhosis, so his liver can recover, if he gives it a chance. I don't think he will, as he has no intention of going into rehab. I'm working on him abou that, though, and will hopefully get him to change his mind.

Yesterday, he was able to walk for the first time since he went in. Very shaky, and cannot stand long enough to even have a shower, but at least he can now move from the bed to the chair.

His color is slowly returning to normal. He had been very yellow. His speech has also improved, though he tends to mutter instead of speaking out loud.

Yesterday, I walked him through the Five Wishes paperwork. That seemed to make the gravity of his situation sink in for him. Five Wishes is a living will and specifies what is to be done in emergency situations and what is to be done in case of death.

Smitty had also been there earlier yesterday and brought Ronnie some clothes. I think being able to wear clean clothing helped improve Ronnie's mood, but it also made him want to leave the hospital. I'm glad he is not yet steady enough to be allowed to do so.

Today, I am going to try to get him to write to you. I want him to make that contact, as you are not able to come see him. I'm hoping that action will also encourage him to make a change and go to rehab. Maybe.

Okay, I better get a move on. I hope all is well with you. I'm tired, but I'm hanging in there.

At least Ronnie has finally met his twin granddaughters. Michael brought them by on Sunday. The visit was brief, as Ronnie was in very rough shape and the girls are only six months old, but it was so good that Michael did that.

I love you, Tony.

response from my youngest brother

Yesterday, I received word from Tony for me to tell to Ronnie. This was in response to the letter I wrote to Tony on Thursday, May 7th.
Tony's letter is dated Tuesday, May 12th, so he must have written to me immediately.
In this time of instant notification by email and phone, the response time of the US Post Office seems rather slow. However, having lived and traveled in other countries, I can assure you that a ten-day turnaround is actually pretty good.
Here's what he had to say from north Georgia.

Hi, Tina, hang in there girl!

Wow. What a contrast from your card before to the last one. I've asked for some reinforcement and empowering prayers from 2 men i know are my brothers.

I'm actually at a loss for words to describe my feelings about what you're dealing with there. And about the sad-ass condition of my brother who is trapped in his own alcoholism. It's just so so sad. Pitiful really.

And i am so very sorry that you are having to deal with it. I love you Tina. You really are tremendously strong.

I love Ronnie too. This makes me just wonder - what in the world would or could drive Ronnie to such complete contempt and hatred of his own health and life? And, what appears to be his complete blindness to what virtually the entire country calls normalcy? What happened?!!

As i write i hope he is alive. I hope he has a desire to stay that way and improve. I hope he has already seen and realized that if and when he drinks that next beer that the rollercoaster ride starts again. I hope he can see, and cares about, what he's putting you through - continually. I hope he knows that i know. And that i care. And that there is never going to be any change in his life unless he wants it and he truely surrenders to God.

Lord help, in Jesus' name.
Lord help.

I'll make sure Ronnie gets the message.
Hopefully, he will listen.
For now, he is still at his son's house.
Hopefully, that will continue a few more days.

fb flashback: 24 November 2011

Let me set the stage.

It's been two years since Daddy died, and this was my second year of going to my paternal cousin's home for Thanksgiving.

Amazingly, I'd managed to talk my middle brother into going with me.

Amazing!

We even made it a two-fer, visiting our maternal cousin while there.

What a trip that had been!

So, here's the slide show!

We began our visits in North Augusta, SC.

Here's Ronnie with our cousin, Sharon, younger daughter of Mama's brother, our Uncle Jimmy, and his first wife, Aunt Janet.

Ronnie had pose time with Susan, too, Sharon's not-yet-official wife.

They've been together since college, more than twenty years earlier.

Sharon's brother, Ricky, will be coming over later, as well as Ashley, daughter of her sister, Valerie.

Meanwhile, it was time to head south to Augusta, GA.

Our paternal cousin, Bev, was awaiting us and she'd made sure to have plenty of my favorite food: the cranberry-sauced oranges!

Math joke: I ate some pie! 

Another joke: the time of this post!

Here's Bev's mom, our Daddy's one-and-only sister, Aunt Barbara and her third husband, John.

Bev's dad was Aunt Barbara's first husband, Bill.

And just why was Aunt Barbara standing?

All that talk of pie had whetted Ronnie's appetite for some dessert!

Would he prefer pecan or pumpkin?

"Both, please!," was his reply.

Everyone got a kick out of that and followed his lead!

After, we all hung out and chatted.

Ronnie even let Lucas test drive his hat!

Lucas is the son of Tyson, son of Bev and Allen, and his wife, Jenny.

Bev and Allen's younger daughter, Terri, was there with her husband, Mike.

Bev and Allen's other two children, Robbie and Leeman were absent that day; she had to work and he lives (still) in Korea.

Our other two paternal cousins, Bonnie Clark and Becky Ferguson, were missing, too.

The first lived in Hawaii and the other resides (still) in Texas.

What a marvelous time we had with them!

I'm so grateful he chose to go with me that day.

i thank You, God. 

middle brother update

Dearest Tony,

Yesterday, while I was there with Ronnie, Michael came by. He had his fiancee, Melanie, and their two twin girls - Ronnie's granddaughters - with him. What a bright spot in the day! This is the third time Michael has come to visit his dad, each time with the 6-month-old girls. Ronnie will perk up for a while, but is usually only good for about fifteen minutes. After that, he's ready for a nap.

Usually when I visit, he is sleeping most of the time. He'll rouse up briefly when I arrive. He'll also rouse up for meals and struggle through them, then it's right back to nap time. On Sunday, when I came by before the memorial service for my friend Ann, he was actually sitting up in bed when I arrived, watching SyFy and eating lunch. I was only able to stay about an hour and he was back to napping by the time I left.

His case manager came by yesterday and spoke with us while Michael was there. Even though Ronnie is not yet walking and still runs a fever, they are hoping to release him this week. The case manager wanted to know where he would be going.

We had no answer for her. He still is quite adamant about refusing rehab for his alcoholism. The first thing he wants to do when he is released? To get a 40 and guzzle it down. Seriously. I have explained to him that his body no longer wants the alcohol, as it has been more than a week since he had any. Now, it is only his mind that wants to drink, so he should go to rehab to learn how to train his mind away from the drug. He does not want to talk about rehab, at all, not with anyone.

This is all so frustrating, to watch someone else in the family die of liver failure. If liver damage was painful, there would be no alcoholics. Right? But, as the nurse practitioner and the case manager and everyone else there say to us, "he is a grown man and is entitled to make his own decisions".

I am preparing myself for the death of a brother. You should do the same. And we can both pray he will want to change, but also pray for strength to accept his choices about his own life.

with my love

flowers for two brothers

I have two brothers with birthdays in July, though one has stopped aging.

Ronnie is forever 58 years old.

At the beginning of this year, when Asbury Memorial posted the Flower Calendar, I checked the dates to see if any might be important for me...

and there it was...

July 6th.

The exact day of Ronnie's birth.

I immediately wrote my name as the donor for that Sunday's sanctuary flowers.

The first thing I did with my tax refund check was pay that $70 fee.

By that time, I had decided that act would be a gift for Smitty, too, as his birthday would be on the 9th, the following Wednesday.

Perfect.

The wording on the program today was as I wanted it.

Reverend Billy Hester, there for his last sermon before his summer break, was the one who read those words during the 'Announcements', looking at me as he did so.

Very nice.

 

"The flowers for today's worship service are given by Faustina Smith

in memory of her brother, Ronald Allen Smith,

and in honor of her brother Harvey Goodwin Smith's birthday." 

 

Thanks, Randy, for making that happen.

 

After the sermon, we had communion, as this is the first Sunday of July.

That's me, in my purple "Cancer shirt" that I wore specifically for today.

Ronnie's name is on that ribbon, as are those of Daddy, Grandpa Lee, Great-Uncle Sam, stepbrother George, and mother-in-law Pat.  

That represents five decades of loss to lung and intestinal cancers.

 

Candace sent an email to me early this week to ask what was to become of the flowers after the service.

Did I want to have them?

I told her I would rather they be part of the Flower Ministry and given to people whose day needed brightening.

Here are some of them, waiting to be delivered to folks recovering from surgery or illness, to folks going through loss adjustment after the death of a loved one, or people with special birthdays.

I am so grateful to be part of that blessing to others.

i thank You, God.

denial is not just a river in eqypt

Seriously.
I know this to be a control issue.

I have no control over my middle brother's choices or actions, but everyone he knows seems to think i do. They want me to allow him to live in my house. That's right, they think i should welcome his alcoholism, smoking, and lewdness. As long as the house is in disarray, it looks like there is no room for anyone else.
God knows i can't afford to have him here.

Again, i have no control over Ronnie's choices or actions. He has "lost" his phone for the fourth time this year. I am expected to buy a new one for him, again. I will, but i grow increasingly frustrated over this extra drag on my limited funds and time.

Again, I have no control over Ronnie's choices and actions. I have fielded text messages and phone calls and messages on facebook for the past week from friends who are concerned about him. They all want to accuse me of being uncaring about him. They do accuse my older brother of being uncaring.
We have been helping to take care of him for the past twenty years, especially since Mama died in 2001. We cannot sacrifice our lives to his choices and actions.

I have no control over my finances, as i am still only teaching part-time. I had thought i had a good part-time job set up to supplement that < $10k/year situation, but i was mistaken. I have applied elsewhere, but no word yet.

I have no control over cheating students. This semester, i have one particular student who constantly cheats. At least her partner is now trying to fly right. Still, it is a very frustrating situation.

I have no control over the choices and actions of other drivers. My poor car is now banged up on one side from a driver who ran a red light. My poor car has wreck wrap on its rear end to hold the trunk closed after a hit-and-run driver slammed into it. My poor car has only recently regained clutch action, again after damage from that hit-and-run driver.
My beautiful car once looked so good for her age.
It hurts my heart to see her this way, but i have no funds for cosmetic repairs. She moves when i need her to move and stops when i need her to stop, and those are blessings.

never alone...

Not even when I am somewhere that wasn't frequented by them, someone I love is there.

This evening, it was Mama and Ronnie.

We had reached the time in the Taize service for "silence and reflection", and I paused briefly to glance over my left shoulder to catch the kiss of the sun...

having shared that poem moments earlier with Margaret Clay while taking a moment in the garden with the song of the birds...

but when I glanced at the photo and saw what I caught, I spent that time in tears, full of thoughts of Mama and of Ronnie.

Right place, right time.

I hadn't even remembered about 

this special service today.

The Wednesday Night Suppers have begun and my only reason for showing up at Asbury Memorial had been to allow someone else to cook dinner for me.

Chicken fricassee was the entree promised, and I could not recall what that might be.

Gravy-soaked, breaded, chicken, that's what, and I got a leg.

Very tasty, especially with the wild rice and the green beans, and that pumpernickel roll.

Plus, I made myself a nice salad on the side.

For dessert, I had one of the few slices of coconut custard pie!

I chose to sit with Charles and Bernie.

Before long, Bill Anderson joined us.

Within ten minutes, our table was full, with both Prestons,

Kaye Deffley, and Danny Lewis.

Very nice!

Then Reverend Billy came by and reminded all of the Taize service.

After I'd explained that it was a time of meditative reflection to several others, I found myself going toward the sanctuary, with just a pause in the garden to watch the dipping sun...

and found myself still in the company of those I love.

i thank You, God.

valentine winging northward!

Hey, Dood!

I'm doing much better now. My frame of mind has been restored to a cheerier tone, thanks to good hugs this weekend. From whom, you ask? Have I met the man of my dreams after all??

Well, no, that hasn't happened. (At least, not to my knowledge.) I still have hopes that it will, but that day has not yet arrived.

Maybe today is the day? Maybe!

Back to who was hugging me last weekend. First was Ronnie. Yep, our brother, Ronnie. I called him Saturday morning to see if he would join me at IHOP and he said yes! We had a good time there and he ate every bit of his sirloin tips with onions and mushrooms. Did you know he loves mushrooms?

Then, that afternoon, Christina and I went out for Mexican food. Always a favorite for me! Both her and that type of food! :-)

And on Sunday, I met Bonnie in Bluffton for lunch and a movie. She brought Merritt (9) and Conner (6) with her, too! Many hugs!!!

As the card says:

Valentine's Day
is a wonderful time
to think of the people we love,
So you can be sure
on this Valentine's Day
You're someone
that I'm thinking of.

(I added three exclamation points at the end.)

with much love!

hanging with the middle bro

Finally!
You may recall that the last time I saw my middle brother was in the spring.
Wait, let me take that back.
That was the last time I spent more than five minutes with him.
He had shown up on September 13th, moments before I was leaving for class. I had given him a few dollars and arranged to meet on the Friday for lunch at Zaxby's.
He had not shown up, though I had looked for almost two hours.
Flash forward to this morning!
I was grading lab papers when a knock comes on the door.
It was Ronnie!
I let him in and gave him a glass of milk while I finished grading the one question I had been working on for everyone.
Then we talked about Thanksgiving and other brothers and folks keeping in touch...
and I asked him if he was ready to have a new phone again...
and yes he was, was the grateful reply.
I made him promise to hold onto it for more than two weeks.
He did.
So, off we went to get a phone.
Then back we came to my house to get it activated.
Once the minutes were set, then it time to fill the phone book. I always do that for him, with every phone I've ever bought for him.
Then, I called his son.
"Make a note of this number. It's your Papa's new phone. Here he is," as I handed him the phone.
They talked for a little while, even arranging for Michael to pick him up later for a dinner of Thanksgiving leftovers with him and the family.
Nice!
Then, I called his daughter.
Repeating my earlier message, I then handed the phone to Ronnie again.
After a few minutes of conversation and words of love, he handed the phone back to me.
So I called our local brother, but his phone was tied up, so I left a message.
Major coolness!
By this time, it was approaching 2 PM.
Off to Popeye's to satisfy his craving for a fried chicken snack.
Then I gave him some money for cigarettes and off he went.
Mission accomplished!

i thank You, God, that I was home!
i thank You, God, that I was able to spend some quality time with him!

no coincidences, 2

I'm so glad I was home when my first niece came by in search of a hug.
A lot of things had to come into play for that to happen.

Last Thursday is when it all began for me.
I had gone down Skidaway Road yet again, trying to see if I could spot my middle brother around the Chevron gas station.
I did, wonder of wonders!
It was the first time I've seen Ronnie since June 2nd.
As Thursday was my oldest brother's birthday, I called him so he and Ronnie could exchange pleasantries.
Then, I sang "happy birthday" to Smitty and we made a "date" to take care of his business' quarterly and sales taxes.

Today, I first went to the credit union to deposit the check for the "loan" I've written to myself.
As I walked back to my car, there in the parking lot was...oh, my!... a penny!
Most excellent!
On the way to Smitty's store, I dropped off a huge bag of pillows and a big bag of shirts to Goodwill. (More such trips are definitely forthcoming.)
I was actually early for our "date" and managed to get the sales taxes done for last month on my own. Woohoo!
Then we finished off the quarterly set, getting him paid and the SIMPLE-IRA funded, too.
Only two hours to get all of that done - good!

I asked him about Christy and Daytona. She had contacted me while I was at the Polynesian Isles, asking about some vacation time. Miraculously, a place had opened up at the DBR! She told me she had to ask her hubby about the efficiency suite available, but I booked it right then. After all, I always LOVE going there!
Sure enough, she and John were not taking me up on that offer. He had family coming in that particular weekend.
Fine! Looks like I'm going there!

But first, to head home. Rains were on the way and the front yard still needed cutting.
I reached my destination just moments before the big heavy drops arrived.
Drats.
I ate lunch and stayed home.

Then came a knock on the door!
Christina and Chelsea were on my stoop.
Why? Christina needed a hug.
You know, one of those hugs that goes on and on, one of those hugs that reassures you that every little thing will eventually be alright again in the world.
She had just been told that she is losing her foster son.
The word was not official, as it came from one of the other foster moms, but the word said the four kids were going back to their birth mom after more than three years in state custody.
Heartbreaking.

My two nieces stayed with me until the first niece's husband got off work.
Then, all went home home, to await official word.
But I am invited to join Jason and the man with the voice for "Ant-Man" on Friday! Woohoo!
And I invited my niece and her husband to take the suite in Daytona, the place of their honeymoon, the place they love as much as I do.

Amazingly, the grass was not so wet from the slight rain.
I was able to mow the entire front yard before the battery gave out.
Mission accomplished!
And so much more.

being more social

Once upon a time, I made a new year's resolution to be more social.
That was in 2009.
As you can tell, sometimes I'm more social than others.
This time, I may have set a personal record!
I've been social for fourteen days in a row!
Starting with my trip to see Elvis on Thursday, March 10th, straight through to today, I've eaten with, gone to a movie with, or visited at least one person every day.
Every day.
So, let's review, shall we?
(My students love it when I use that phrase!)

March 10th, Thursday: Went to the Elvis karaoke and breakfast and actually spoke to several folks there... and a couple of ETAs, too!

March 11th, Friday: talked with the ladies in front of me at the competition, danced and sang with a couple of ETAs, made friends with a local restaranteur, and swooned over Ryan Pelton!

March 12th, Saturday: chatted more with the ladies from Alabama, got my photo with a Canadian ETA, danced in the squares, and dished with the ladies about the hunky Cody Ray Slaughter!

March 13th, Sunday: spoke - and posed with - Cody and the Brazilian hunk Sergio, chatted one last time with the Alabama ladies, and dined at Olive Garden with that first niece of mine!

March 14th, Monday: dinner with the Philo bunch at Chili's!

March 15th, Tuesday: visited Ronnie in jail, wrote to Tony, spoke with Smitty. All three brothers contacted!

March 16th, Wednesday:
worked with Smitty on his taxes and missing Mama (I blame "Kentucky Rain"),
visited with Nami while washing clothes,
ran into Damon and Krystal,
then finished the day by celebrating Christina's birthday!
She and I dined at Fiore, the first time there for both of us.
What did she get for her birthday?
You mean, besides being treated to a fine Italian meal?
(smile)

I gave her six pairs of earrings.
Yes, you heard correctly:
six pairs of earrings.
They had all been languishing in drawers, still in packages, never worn.
(I still have more, believe it or not.)
I gave her three pairs that were "grown-up" (for the 3 tens of her age) and three pairs that were "just fun"
(for the 3 ones of her age).
She loved them!
She also enjoyed my logic.


I gave her the little bear, too. The one in front of my limoncello? Pretty little guy, and stuffed full of wishing stars this time, instead of honey!

March 17th, Thursday: mowed my yard and hobnobbed on facebook. (Yeah, I know it doesn't sound especially social, but it was!)

March 18th, Friday: Chinese buffet for dinner and "Kung Fu Panda 3" for fun, both with Kevin the dancing Running Bear!

March 19th, Saturday: "Kapoor and Sons" with Barbara and Sandy, "London Has Fallen" with Laugh Out Loud! Both movies were in Pooler, but I had dinner with MENSA at The King & I in Savannah. Busy!!!

March 20th, Sunday: Cheeburger, Cheeburger, wherefore art thou, Bonnie? Right there in Bluffton with me! Then we saw an awesome movie about a woman reinventing herself, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot". Nice!

March 21st, Monday: dinner again with the Philo crowd, at Kevin's request! Hugs from Odd Lotters Soucyman, Thomas, Dorsey, and Megan!

March 22nd, Tuesday: attempt to visit Ronnie at the jail. (Yes, I'm counting this, as I drove all the way out there only to find they were not allowing visitors this week.)

March 23rd, Wednesday: dinner with Christina at La Parilla... and we closed the place down! Hahaha haha!

Tomorrow, my work as a volunteer with the Savannah Music Festival begins. That should give me a pretty full plate for the next two weeks.
See you around!

looking ahead

i thank you God for most this amazing day: for the leaping greenlyspirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes - e.e. cummings

I had sent the bfe a joke... I forget what it was... but I want to keep track of this conversation about our post-Spring semester travels. Up onto the sandy shore of my beach it goes!

***** ***** *****

Ha ha Faustina! That is very cute! You know I might be a bit pissed if I'd be expecting one chick and got another!

I hope your FL adventure went well. My Greek travels have been good so far! A few more days here in Ioannia (sp) and then to Italy for a while next week and ending in Athens at the end of next week! We will have to get together when I make my triumphant return to the 'vannah!

Stay safe and I hope all is well with you and your family (especially your brother),
Jeff

***** ***** *****

When you return next weekend, I will be in AL for my littlest niece's 3rd birthday.
Then I'll be visiting Tony that Sunday.
THEN I'll be in Sapphire, NC, at a place I've never been before. I had hoped Sam could join me, but she cannot get the time off work. So, I'll have the two-bedroom in the mountains all to myself. Hm... wonder what trouble I can get into???
LOL! You know me! The answer to that is NONE.
Florida was definitely the pause that refreshes. Baseball, my very own indie film fest, and a free concert from a Bruce Springsteen tribute band. The only way it would have been better is if the band had played more than two songs before the monsoon started!
Still, very nice to leave town and wake up somewhere else.
I'll be back from NC for just a couple of days before heading down to FL and Orlando with Christina and Jason, sans kids. THAT will be very nice!
Then I'll bop down to South Beach for a couple of days, come back via a couple more days in Orlando, then be here until that first weekend in July, when I'll be off to Augusta for the 30th anniversary celebration of my maternal cousin and her partner.
(Not the paternal cousin and her husband that I go to for Thanksgiving. jsyk)
Ronnie? He's back in his tent, back to drinking, but swears he's cut back.
He just doesn't get it.
But his Five Wishes living will is signed and witnessed, so he can live however he wants.
I refuse to take on any guilt for his choices.

Glad to know you're having fun times! Take plenty of pictures!

with my love,
Faustina the F-grrl

***** ***** *****

Faustina,

Wow....this is your Southeastern tour this summer! You should get a t-shirt made up of the dates and locations like a real concert t-shirt! Did I see that it was your birffday? If it is, happy birffday to ya! We will definitely need to celebrate when YOU make your triumphant return to the 'vannah!

Have fun and safe trips! And you be sure that you take some pictures and come back with some stories.

I am very sorry to hear about Ronnie, but you cannot control another human being :( I think you have been the best sister...the best human being anyone could be in that situation. Again, :(

Anyway, have fun and please do not burn up the southeast on your tour...you do not need to aspire to be Guns n' Roses or Motley Crüe on YOUR tour!

Jeff

***** ***** *****

Nice to have a physicist in your corner!

at the golden corral with Ronnie

There he is, with his goofy "I love you" face.
Every time I look at this photograph, I sob.
I do so wish he would opt to be sober.
I don't know how many more times together we will have.
I am about to leave for my GA-AL-NC adventures and will be gone for almost two weeks. Then, after a brief weekend return, I'll be off to my Kissimmee-S.Beach adventures and will be gone for two weeks. That means it will be nearly a month before I will see my middle brother again.
If he has not killed himself with alcohol by then.
With the hot summer weather and him living in a tent, the odds are not in my favor.
In my heart and mind, I am sorely afraid that this was the last time I will ever share his company.
I had invited him to join me today for my free birthday meal at Golden Corral. To my surprise, he had enthusiastically agreed! I picked him up and off we went.
As we're standing at the register, I see the penny. The bright copper gleam on the dark mat, there on the clerk's left, at her feet.
We were in the right place, at the right time.
I knew to capture the moment, to crystallize it in my memory.
This was a special day.
The clerk rang up my free lunch and free drink in return for the birthday coupon. I prepared to pay for Ronnie's meal.
With his gray beard and scraggy appearance, the clerk gave him the senior discount.
He's four years younger than me.
He's only 52, and, hopefully, will see his 53rd birthday next month.
Hopefully, but maybe not.
At one point when we dined, I talked to him about alcohol abuse treatment centers, of course. I've been singing that song to him for at least the last ten years.
No, he was still not interested.
As he put it, "I don't see that happening, sis."
Maybe, possibly, he would consider a totally secular approach?
Maybe, possibly, he agreed, saying what I wanted him to say.
Meanwhile, he filled up on two plates of food, including some of his favorites: deviled eggs and salad and fried shrimp.
And sweet tea.
The man drank six glasses of sweet tea! After his third glass arrived and he drained it, the waiter had filled the three glasses on the table. It was an incredible amount of tea!
As I told him I would, I've signed him up for their "Gold as Gold" Club, so we can come again for his birthday.
Hopefully.
I do so enjoy spending time with him when he's sober.
I do so enjoy having my brother back, the one I grew up with and love joking around with.
I do hope he will still be alive to enjoy his birthday.
But my tears tell me he may not.

prelude to bday42 for the first niece!

"You got plans tonight?" is how it all started.

I replied, "Just the usual Jalapenos with brothers and others."

Next thing I knew, she was coming to join us!!!

First, though, she had to meet her mom at 95 and 204, to drop off her daughters.

One of their cousins (Gabby) was having a birthday13 party and they were invited!

Hooray!

Plus, that meant Christina would wake up on her own time for her birthday.

Hooray!

 

So, first I went to Jalapenos of Sandfly for the Smiths & Kamerons Friday Fiesta!

That was my first time there in three weeks - que bueno to see everyone!

Well, all except Becca, who was off with other plans.

There's Smitty, Mark, Brian Schomburg - who just stopped by, knowing we'd be there - and Tony and Jimmy at the table's end.

Tony actually got to sit beside his wife tonight, due to the empty seat on the other side of the high top.

That meant an empty seat between me and Smitty - absolutely perfect!!!

 

By the time the food arrived, so had Christina -

absolutely perfect!

She told me she wanted the "chicken with mushrooms and onions and cheese" and Claudia knew exactly what they called it: "Cream Of Mushroom Chicken".

Hooray!

Then a curious thing happened: Betsy and Jimmy both started telling tales of her Papa as the hero who had saved them from big trouble.

Betsy spoke of a time at the pool, when a guy jumped off the diving board and was drowning; as the lifeguard, she went in after him, but he was so panicked he was drowning her, too; then Ronnie jumped in, pulling the guy off her and getting him safely out of the pool.

Wow.

I'd never heard any of the stories they told.

Those were from their teen years, and I had been away in the Navy, for boot camp, for training, and in Panama.

I hadn't realized that Christina would know the Kamerons, but she told me Betsy and Jimmy used to play cards frequently with her mom and Ronnie.  

I was away at grad school for most of that time.

 

So, as the storytelling came to a close, someone alerted the Jalapenos of Christina's birthday, and here they came, with the sombrero, with singing, and with tequila!

Hooray!

She took a moment to make a wish, shot glass in hand and eyes closed, then... 

uno, dos, tres!

Back that drink went in one smooth take!

Hooray!

Hugs of farewell all around!

Then she and I went to a movie, courtesy of an AMC special pass.

She opted for "Opus", the new psychodrama with John Malkovich as the religious leader of The Levelers.

I had been curious about it, but it turned out to be quite creepy, along the same lines of "Blink Twice" (but without all the sex).

Amazingly, she hadn't even heard of that Channing Tatum creeper, so now she has that to look forward to!

Oh, my, is it nearing midnight?

Time to wrap this up...

I'm calling to make sure she got home okay...

and to sing "Happy Birthday" to her!!!

What a lovely night this has been!!